I'm currently doing laser, so the beard shadow will hopefully gone soon, but apart from that, i feel like there is something lacking. What should i improve? 2 years on a too low dose on HRT that has been fixed a month ago (hopefully)
I'm a trans woman, but i always have a certain hostility towards women, especially women who cheat and it is really messing with my relationships.
After a long time of reflection, i felt that this all goes back to a horrible experience in my youth, when i lived as a boy. My first gf raped me (basically forced sexual interactions on my over two hours and since i was inexperienced and she wasn't, i just froze). After that she was dissatisfied with my performance, started immediately to cheat and dumped me two weeks later.
The worst thing about this experience was that i couldn't talk about it. I wasn't raped, it was expected that i as a boy would be completely into it and some people made fun of me for not "performing." Being cheated on was what made it even more funny for those people, basically since being male and being cheated on for my lack of performance made me a weak man. What she did showed them that i was a loser rather than a victim. There was no sympathy and her friends all supported her and pulled some strings which lead to intense bullying. My obvious queerness was already showing as well and and that was just the last nail in the coffin.
My fear of women is linked to this. I'm attracted to them, but it feels like being completely powerless when it comes to cis women. I feel like they can just destroy me, without any consequences. Men on the other hand don't make me afraid. I was raped by men later in life as well, especially after my transition, but at least then i got sympathy, support and people around me banding together to protect me. My experience with women was the complete opposite.
How do i get out of this spiral? It makes me paranoid. Even in my relationship with my asexual gf, i fear often that she could do the same to me or cheat, not because she would be into it, but only to humiliate me. My actions are controlled. I don't lash out or anything. But there are days were i'm genuinely afraid of her, especially since she also told me that she doesn't believe women can rape men and doesn't mind cheaters in general (we are both sex workers, cheaters are basically our daily business and she has stopped caring, since she is in this industry for 14 years).