u/Glittering_Ad5497

How are you doing my love?
I hope you're eating well and taking care of yourself. I know how stressful it is for you trying to balance everything at once, you got school, work, and friends. I miss being apart of your routine, but I'm also so proud of you.

Are you taking any breaks? I know you tend to overwork yourself to get your mind off things, I used to listen to you rant every night about your daily work drama about customers, or helping you put with class work, but now there's a deafening silence where you used to fill the void.

I started writing again, who would've thought? Past hobbies and habits that you brought back to me from your absence. I wrote to you before in panic, anxiety, and fear. Trying to fix things that you've already decided didn't need fixing anymore, and it ended up breaking me down more than I thought.
I started noticing a huge disconnect now that I've started healing, what my brain knows and what my heart wants is completely different. I used to try and rationalize every situation and ended up causing more anxiety because I was scared of the unknown, and here I am now only left with the unknown.

But that's okay now, because my fears and anxiety stemmed from a deeper part of myself that was long before the relationship. A child who wasn't held long enough, so he held tighter when space was present. A child who filled the void of space with thoughts of "what ifs" because being prepared for heartache before the heartache was easier.

I held that child in my arms tonight, telling him that space and distance doesn't mean abandonment. I held him and embraced him just like you once did, and he cried his heart out because finally he finally felt the tension ease. Breathing finally felt lighter, his chest finally let go of the balloon that was about to burst.

You brought more to me than you'll ever know, even through your absence you ended up bettering me.

I'll love you always, my sweet girl.

It's been a couple weeks now since my 4 year LDR ended.

Oh man, when I tell you I was an absolute wreck the first week, I was the dumpee.

Didn't eat for 2 weeks, couldn't sleep without waking up every 4 hours shaking, the panic attacks were a nightmare too.
It was genuine withdrawals.

Social media was the worst. The false hope and tarot card folks, going down the rabbit hole of my attachment style, checking her socials every 10 minutes, counting the following / seeing if she blocked me on certain platforms.

Spoiler>!: removed on nearly everything, didn't even know you could be blocked on spotify LMAO!<

I reached out a couple times out of fear and anxiety. Don't do this.
It's made me done some questionable things, deleting the messages, texting more, all of the works.

I had to put my phone down.

At one point I just realized that I kept reopening the wound and didn't allow myself to heal. That I was quite literally self destructing.

My anxiety? My fear of abandonment?
It was bad, really bad. I didn't know how bad it was until I realized all I was doing was panicking, picturing the worst, thinking about situations that were out of character.

And then it just clicked.

"The way I respond to pain, shapes the person I become."

I didn't need to heal everything at once, I just only needed to keep walking. A wave will hit, and it'll be a step back from healing, but guess what? I was still moving.

I'm not giving up on love, pain shouldn't turn me cold. How can I ever be cold, and learn to love myself?
So many things just starting clicking in place, my anxiety? It was from not being present, I wasn't living.. I was surviving.

I didn't realize how long I was in survival mode for, this went way before the breakup. Constantly imagining the worst, clinging onto someone because I was afraid of being left alone, constantly fearing and getting triggered from any space.

Distance and space isn't abandonment, and I had to recognize that I can be afraid of distance and space without feeling like I was being abandoned. A big one I needed to learn is that emotional discomfort doesn't require immediate action, I needed to be patient with myself and let things sit before I reacted.

I know it's a lot and I'm just rambling on now, but truly do not give up on love.
Love yourself, your friends, family, cat, dog, fish, life, just love. Be present, listen to the birds chirp, hear the rain, feel the sun.

Love is kind and patient, so be patient and kind to yourselves.

I love you. ❤️