u/Glittering_Pin_1062

I know that I'm super late to this conversation, but I just finished reading The Handmaid's Tale for a class, and it resonated with me, especially because I've been following the repression of women's rights in Afghanistan, as well as the controversy around women's reproductive rights in the United States. I'm not posting about those events, though. I just mean that it has truly disappointed me to learn that the woman they casted for June is a scientologist.

I don't see how it's not disrespectful to her character and women throughout history who have lived, or are currently living through extremely oppressive theocratic regimes. I know that Scientology isn't known for being super patriarchal, as far as I know, but it is a "religion" that abuses, manipulates, lies to, and cheats out its members for profit. I find what they do honestly disgusting, and it makes me uncomfortable watching the show.

Another part of me feels bad for Elisabeth Moss, though. Like, I can't imagine being born into that and having all of your closest family/friends be there. Not only that, Scientology, like most cults, makes it incredibly difficult to leave. Sometimes I wonder if her participation in the show is some kind of silent protest to what she was forced into and what she cannot escape. I don't want to get too parasocial about it, but I just don't understand how you could be involved in a cult and then play the role of a woman being oppressed by a cult. Her PR answers anytime someone asks her about it make it very hard to pin down exactly what she feels, too. This is either the most disappointing blunder a casting directer has ever made, or a very poetic and fitting pair between actress and character.

I'm looking to build a writerdeck with things I have lying around (still trying to find a good "brain" for it), but I was wondering if anyone had any app/text editor suggestions. I'm just starting out and getting overwhelmed with the nuances of writerdecks, but I adore writing and want to build something that keeps me from getting distracted and that I could use without WiFi. Any recommendations/advice are welcome, thank you!!

TLDR: My boyfriend and I (19M & 18F) got into an argument which escalated because he needed space, but I needed reassurance. Neither of us were getting that, and we both did wrong during the conflict. I asked if he wanted a break, searching for reassurance, and he answered "yes" before taking it back, and later explained that he didn't mean it and that it was just a threat to get me to leave him alone. That little threat hurt me deeply and now I am walking on eggshells and insecure in our relationship. He has asked for space while he's taking finals, which will take ~1.5-2 weeks. Until then, I feel that I shouldn't bring this up, and I'm currently just stewing in these feelings of insecurity and hurt while he has returned to his normal loving, joking self.

Longer explanation: Hello, my boyfriend and I recently got into an argument and it has kind of changed my perspective, but I'm nervous to open up to him about this. Also, we've tabled the conversation for later and I don't think we'll get to it for another two weeks while he studies and works on finals, and I'm wondering if that's why I'm feeling differently while he has returned to normal.

For context, this is both of our first relationships (19M & 18F), and we've been dating for about a year pretty smoothly with very few bumps aside from minor miscommunications and small spats that were resolved within less than a day, if not within a few hours. Nothing has cut deep yet. But a couple of nights ago, we got into another small scuffle that was blown out of proportion. He needed space while I needed reassurance, and as of now we haven't yet come up with a system in which we both get what we need without hurting the other person. So, he was pulling away, saying some hurtful things to get me to leave him alone, while I was pressing for some kind of affection, reconciliation, etc., which further escalated the situation, making us both more upset and less receptive to each other's needs. At some point towards the end I asked him, "Do you want a break?" I've never asked him this, but he seemed so upset and detached that I was looking for any sign that things would be okay again. I should not have asked this, I should have just left him alone, but obviously it has already happened. He answered, "I don't know. Maybe." I became very upset and frantic, and I started pressing with further questions, searching for a sign that it wasn't true and we'd be alright. He then changed his answer to "Yes, I do." I asked him a few times if that was truly what he wanted, and he finally changed his answer to "No," but by that point, a lot of damage was done to my end of the relationship.

While he fell asleep, I stayed up crying with a weird, tight feeling in my chest. Other parts of my life are looking pretty bad right now, so I started to spiral into this mess of how everything including my relationship was falling apart. In the morning, I had a severe migraine, was vomiting, and my parents nearly took me to the ER. When he woke up, he told me that he was still unhappy with things and that he wanted to talk to me, just not about the argument. I said that was alright, but asked for verification if he truly meant it about the break. He told me that he didn't, and that he had just used it as a threat to get me to leave him alone. He acknowledged that it was wrong, but he didn't apologize.

As of now, he has not apologized for anything while I have apologized for everything. I am giving him the space that he has asked for while he's studying for and taking finals, and on the surface things seem fine. We say "I love you," call when we have time, joke, laugh, etc. But there is this underlying feeling that I've been having that my trust and security has been shaken. The "break" wasn't the only hurtful thing he said that night, there were others too, but I'm choosing to not bring those up to him because I know that a lot of my behavior escalated things far more than it should have. He has returned to normal, being loving and kind, and I have been playing along, trying to feel normal again. I feel okay, but things do seem weird and off. I just don't feel like we're in the same place we were in before. Things seem rocky and unstable. This no longer feels like this unbreakable thing that it's felt like for so long. I am worried that my feelings have been altered permanently, or if I'm still just feeling weird because we haven't truly reconciled, and I haven't heard an apology or observed any remorse for his end of things. I think that comment hurt me way more than he realizes, but there's no way for me to bring it up without disrespecting the boundaries that I agreed to maintain.

I am coming here for advice on how to communicate that the comment really, truly hurt me and affected my view of things on a deeper level. Before this, some hurtful comments have been unpleasant, but have not permanently skewed my opinion on him or on our relationship. This is different. Now, I'm walking on eggshells to not upset him because I'm scared he's going to threaten to go on a break again. I am also here to ask if this is normal, or if I need to be worried. I know that my behavior caused part of this, which is why I'm going to do better in the future. But also, I don't agree with many things that he did either, and the "break" comment hurt me badly, and there has not since been an apology, even a quick one, so I'm worried that things in my relationship are going to go downhill because of this.

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!!