When does accomadating for one child turn into the detriment of others
The events leading up to this post started in April so it’s been a long time coming. I also don’t really know if I’m looking for advice, solidarity, or just to vent but I know hearing others viewpoints often help.
Back in April, I picked my son up at daycare and signed an incident report that my child had been bitten. Obviously not unheard off, but reading the incident report concerned me as it stated that Child A had stolen a toy my son was playing with, my son told Child A “stop” and Child A responded by biting him. I’m certainly not a early childhood expert but I feel like generally when I’ve heard about reactionary biting its in reaction to an escalating behavior (ie: pushing, taking a toy, etc) and please correct me if I’m wrong on that. The mark that this bite left also struck me because it was a full dental impression on my child’s arm. Child A had my sons whole arm in his mouth.
At that time I spoke to the director about my concern and asked what the plan was moving forward and the director shared with me that the child was new and had struggled at a prior daycare ( I strongly got the impression that he was asked to leave but not confirmed) and they were working with the parents to see if they could accommodate him because all kids deserve a chance.
As time went by my child was bit again, by the same child. I also heard about multiple other children being bit (likely by the same child but I can only speak for my son since he told me who bit him). I’ve had my concerns but trying to trust that the daycare is following a process and also extend understanding and empathy towards this boys family. I’ve picked up at the same time as the mother many times and from what I can tell she is actively implementing things to help support him.
This was all kind of occurring peripherally until the new school year started a last week and it all came to a head. I do think the timing is important in all this because while I don’t know, I strongly suspect Child A may have a developmental disorder which could be why the behavior seems to be escalating now.
In the first week of school he bit the same child three days in a row (that I know of), I’ve seen them have to call in other teachers and lock all the doors (which I assume is a fire hazard) to keep Child A from eloping (I saw it 3 different times in the 5 minutes I was dropping off one time). In addition to several other aggressive behaviors - one time he had my son in a headlock, another day I watched him push my son out of no where my son stumbled but caught his balance, so he pushed him again harder so he’d fall to the ground. I’ve also seen him tell the teacher my son pushed him when my son had been clinging on to me at drop off. He can also be extremely desctructive, throwing furniture and toys when he gets upset. None of these things alone are abnormal but I guess just to give an idea of the kind of disruptions.
Today I was looped in that some of the other moms are fed up, blaming child A for their child’s bad behavior (I could write a whole book on that topic but I’ll spare everyone) and some moms even discussing looking at different daycares because of it.
My sons class has 12 children and one teacher, although they’re actively hiring a second to split the class, but the teacher has to spend most of her time chasing around this one child. I’ve heard a couple parents say their children have started saying they’re scared to go to school. My own son has started saying that when he’s always loved school - but he hasn’t gone as far as to say child A is the reason so he could just be copying what he hears. The teacher is unable to appropriatelysupervise the rest of the class because her attention is constantly on child A. It seems obvious that Child A really needs one on one attention and it’s getting to the point where it feels like the other children are getting slighted to accommodate this one child.
I have a good relationship with the director and so I’m thinking of going to speak to her when I pick up this afternoon. I know I can’t protect my child from everything and I don’t want to. He needs to learn how to handle problems, but where is the line between teaching your children to handle life and advocating for what’s best for them?
If you took the time to read all this I would love to hear your thoughts, advice, or experiences.