“People have asked what's it like to live life with a deceased child because they "just can't fathom"... Well let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood.
It's being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.
It's like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate and regret.
It's like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, but it's not a dream it's a nightmare...
It's like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return.
It's like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don't know what to say to you ...
It's standing in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can't see anything through the tears...
Some days it's falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don't stop screaming until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.
It's a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if you’re strong enough to survive this.
It's like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel out of place...
Honestly. It's like knowing that you're going to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long lost friend.
It's like this your holding on with everything you have and it all melts away and there is nothing you can do to make it right...
No it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live, to survive."
I might not of birthed you and carried you for 9 months but you were my child and you will always be in my heart and soul.