u/GloomyVampire202

Okay I need honest opinions but please don't be dicks. (warning - i apologize if this is lengthy) TW: mentions of trauma like SA, self exit, mental illness, etc. but no details, just the mention of having them. maybe a little emotional abuse TW as well if that's whats happening??

CONTEXT I THINK IS IMPORTANT : I (20F) am in an exclusive relationship, but no labels, with a guy (24M). He has way way wayyy more dating and sexual experience than me. Now, this is going to sound corny of me, but I'm quite known for being kind of pathetic in relationships and possibly naive due to my inexperience and being overly understanding. He has a very avoidant relationship style so, he cannot communicate literally at all, is very hot and cold/inconsistent, and does that thing where he'll randomly tell me things to try and make me jealous almost like to make me feel like I have competition.

Now, besides romance, I'm surrounded by amazing people. I keep my circle small, I am a deep lover in all types of relationships so for most my life I've been the type to maybe, kind of, allow people to take advantage of me. I often am un-trustful of people who treat me too good. Once I love someone I'll do just about anything for them, despite what they give me back. Unless it goes too far but I typically still stay. I am the type of person to bring issues up, I think communication is extremely important. I would say I'm quite kind and healthy about it too (well until I'm pushed too far...)

I've struggled my whole life with childhood trauma and processing big grief at a young age. As an adult I've found out I have a lot of issues haha, but the biggest being BPD. I know there is many prejudices about this, and I certainly used to be all the negative stereotypes and honestly sometimes even worse than that. As an adult though I have worked on myself so much. 

----- U DO NOT NEED TO READ THIS FOR THE ACTUAL ISSUE AT HAND ---- (But if anyone is curious, struggles with BPD, depression, or PTSD, it's the small things that really changed my life: Journaling!! Specifically when over-thinking or overwhelmed with literally any emotion or person. Put your phone down. Do not text them back, and trust me I know it's hard, just trust me for a moment. Pick up a pen. A pencil, in my opinion, encourages erasing and gives opportunity to erase things when maybe overthinking. Pen is permanent. Write everything, you feel, read it once, pause, and read it again. It will help be a bit more clear headed about your emotions. Get out of bed!! I know it's so hard, but even if it seems impossible, suck it up and do it. Fake it, it does in fact help. Force yourself to do literally anything to get some sunlight, even if it's just opening a window in the kitchen while you drink some water. STOP. And i really mean stop!! indulging in sad media, music, movies, shows, books, any of it. Stop. It really does make a difference. Lastly, if nothing else has worked, distract yourself by being productive.))-----

Moving on though, as I said, I've truly turned a corner in life the past year, and worked hard on myself. I have done the work to reverse many past toxic habits which were indirectly harming the people I love. So, because I've had these issues in the past, I am very hyper-aware of how trauma can blind people to make harmful choices, often without realizing. I got more into spirituality and finally learned how to quiet my mind. I no longer take things so personal and realized i just can't control everything, and that's okay❤️

Unfortunately though, sometimes this causes me to maybe have a few habits that if over-indulged, push into self-neglect, and as you probably guessed, I will now list them, likely in an annoying, over explained, and seemingly self important manner. I can already picture those reading, if anyone even is, groaning in annoyance at my ranting, "god, when will she get to the point, a loyalty test hasn't even mentioned. She really typing up a novel abt some BS, like we gaf..", (At least im self aware??). To those people, sorry 🤷‍♀️. I'll be continuing anyways, because I want to, and I have free will.

Anyways, as I was saying, the list now ; We'll start with my favorite😍

---1.) My seemingly endless forgiveness and grace for those I love. Life is hard, for most, and myself included, having gone through pretty intense trauma, and losing a parent to suicide young, I know all too well living with trauma. When I love someone and I know of the things they've went through, I can't help but be endlessly empathetic. I forgive continued cycles and habits, a hundred times over. I want to clarify, I am not a people-pleaser or anything even close to one, nor would anyone else call me one. I have no issue calling people out when I don't like something they've done, or if a boundary is crossed.

In fact, I maybe sometimes take it too far when not feeling secure. I hope this sentiment will show my authenticity and honesty, in the sense of story telling. I am not one to victimize myself, so in my personal belief I really do think my story telling is decently unbiased and truthful. I will be sharing my part in the issues of our relationship as well. I am extremely flawed as everyone is, and I try my absolute best to see myself, good and bad. I have no issue holding myself accountable, I always want to be the very best version of myself, which fuels my drive for communication. I always want to be told if anything I'm doing or did negatively affects someone I love.

The world lacks so much compassion I feel like. I will always and forever live by the belief that if you truly love someone, their well-being is at the upmost importance to you. When someone brings up something that hurt them in fault of me, there will always be times that I just don't understand why and maybe even think they're being way too sensitive. But it doesn't matter, none of that does, because something I did still hurt them. So, even if maybe I don't understand, I will change it, because I love them and their well-being is more important than my lack of understanding.

I expect the same though, so because of this one habit/trait of mine, that I personally would believe is maybe uhhh- not quite toxic, but just sometimes unhealthy when I just can't stop. I will always communicate and bring up hard convos. Now in the beginning I'm very nice about it, no insulting, no attacking, and no accusing. I really take the time and work hard to make sure my way of wording things allows for both parties to feel safe to be honest and vulnerable in the conversation. Where things shift is when I bring the same thing up over, and over, and over again and nothing actually changes. Once I start to feel played with, I often become very emotionally detached and much more blunt. This turns to me over thinking every shift of energy, words, etc. because I lack a sense of security.

---2.) Watering down my boundaries and standards. I've noticed that as I beg over and over and over again to be treated well, slowly but eventually, I just start to take what I can get. 

---3.) And lastly, I think I can save them, fix them, whatever you want to call it. So, I just never leave. Nothing worth having is easy, right? I know he loves me, truly, and because of this I continue to forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, over and over. So, I stay, help him work through it, continue to communicate, and take the short end of the stick between us. Because, eventually it has to work, right?? Eventually, he will learn to love me in the capacity I need right??? 

 SOME THINGS ABOUT ME: You can 100% skip this part since this is technically not apart of the issue at all. It's very possible I'm being egotistical and I know many will think this part was un needed. I'm including it anyways though, mainly for myself to be honest to remind myself of my worth.

 I grew up quite poor and chubby so I'm pretty hard on myself to be honest, not that anyone irl would know that unless close to me. But here are some things about me cuz I think I'm quite the catch. Now I am a lesbian and have only been with women (and not many at that). I've only had one prior relationship to this, and it was short-lived at 6 months. It ended somewhat due to distance but mostly due to one reason. I struggle a lot to ask for things I need because I don't want to be annoying or exhaust anyone. I've noticed because of that I often attract people that will over time just stop putting effort into me since for a period of time I will allow it.

I'm quite the giver (eldest daughter with a single mother complex lol) so I'm typically if not always the one who pays for everyone, drives, comforts, cleans, makes the plans, etc. I love doing this, I just need a little back or I feel used naturally. My ex got so bad that when I stopped and thought about, she had NEVER once planned a date literally EVER. So I broke up with my ex-girlfriend in a non-fight in what I feel was a quite healthy way. I know this info seems useless but I'm including it to try and maybe give you all some insight on me as a person as I will the guy as well. 

Now, I know you are all probably confused about me being a lesbian but speaking about a man so I will explain now. HE is trans, F to M. Now at first I didn't know this, and once I found out I already liked him. Now I know many will think this is controversial and if homophobic maybe angry lol. But at the end of the day if I'm honest I am very attracted to masculinity. But due to sexual trauma as a child I actually cannot sleep with someone who has an actual,,,you guys know👀(male genital). If fact when trying I literally threw up due to anxiety, so I am still attracted to him. If anyone is upset or annoyed w/ me calling myself a lesbian I understand and partially agree lol. There's just not any term I think is accurate for me, but irl I honestly just say I'm gay if asked.

AND!!! if anyone is homophobic or transphobic reading this, please just be kind for today. I will not try to change anyones mind and you are entitled to your beliefs. All I ask is for you to please, either scroll or ignore the LGBTQ+ factor of the story if you really feel the need to make a negative comment about it. I am really in need of kindness in the replies of this post as I am already feeling quite low in life due to this man and am in need of guidance from some people with maybe more life experience or just experience in relationships. I mention him being trans though because despite being a bio woman, he genuinely (in my opinion at least) acts and thinks how a man would, in both toxic & healthy ways. Since gay I have no experience romantically w/ this at all!!

Back to me now...I would consider myself quite humble, but I think to ignore the affect that physical looks have on things, especially in romance, would be quite ignorant. From what people tell me I'm considered to be more on the attractive side and I'm in good shape since I workout and take good care of myself. I'm in school for a high earning job with good grades, I'm no genius or A student in college but I'm a solid B student. More importantly than school smarts, I am very emotionally intelligent (so I'm told) I also work full time outside of that, have good style, would consider myself quite headstrong, and decently funny. I'm a yapper but a deep conversationalist. Basically, I'm a catch and I know it. Whether that seems egotistical or not, I honestly don't care. At the end of the day, I'm continuously hit on and pursued, so clearly I'm attractive. 

Now, I'll preface, this is going to sound bad. Just trust the process for a second and read the whole paragraph. I do not date for looks, at all. I am attracted to masculine women through and through, and in this case a trans man. I'm very feminine in a more alternative, megan fox,  femme fatale vibes way, if that makes sense. He is shorter than me, and on the chubbier side seeing as he's an alcoholic, he def has a beer belly. He doesn't really have a style? He's a plain color hoodie/tee with shorts type of guy. To put it bluntly everyone constantly tells me I'm way out of his league or makes the typical comments of like, "he must be good in bed." or "he must be really funny". 

I don't care though. I really do love him, just because he's himself. I don't know how to explain it. It just is, whether i want to or not, i do. 

He's not in school, he does blue collar stuff for work. He doesn't have his own place, neither do I. I wouldn't say he's like overtly funny and he's certainly not an abundantly nice person. My point is objectively speaking the average person would probably say I'm out of his league. I mention this because of the following. 

He has always been kind of shady. In the sense that he has joked about banging my friends (apologized but nonetheless) and things similar. He loves to tell me things he doesn't need to, and I lowkey don't believe. He is alwaysss telling me about all the girls who want him, flirt with him in person, yadadada, nonchalantly but still. It's become so frequent that it leads me to wonder, is he making things up to make me jealous? It feels as if he's trying to make me feel like I'm competing for him, like he's a prize to be won. It's very strange to me. Sometimes it feels like he's trying to thumb me down because he's insecure. Almost like he wants to lower my self worth so he feels more secure.

I know many are going to tell me to leave, but I currently cannot seem to force myself to. I need a real push, and end all, be all. 

Now, over time, he has began to -- hmm, i don't know exactly what, but it feels as if I've been conditioned in a sense. When I confront him on crossing my boundaries, he shuts down. He self destructs, typically always saying some sort of combination, or all, of the following. 

"You deserve better than me." 

"If I'm such a piece of shit why do you even want to be with me." (which i never said, and will always correct that i don't feel that way about him and never have). 

When questioned on his feelings towards me, "if i didnt like/love you why would i be here??" 

"I don't know what to say"

"i can't give you what you deserve"

"nothing i do is enough for you"

That all being said, eventually he used to somewhat open up and genuinely apologize for his actions after a little bit of persistence. Then we'd have a solid good week where he's so loving. But in these fights, he leaves, and I don't chase. He says he's done, I try talking, he says he's really done, I fight a bit more, nothing. So I say okay, block him on imessage so I don't beg, and unfollow on socials. Then a day or two passes, he blows up my phone, he misses me, needs me, loves me, can't stop thinking about me, he's so sorry, etc. I stand my ground, I make him work for it for a good hour, apologize, explain, etc. Then I take him back. This happens weekly. But everytime we come back together he's abundantly loving.

Timeline - met on tindr, was supposed to be a casual hookup, he made in uncasual, i confess, he rejects me. we dont talk for a week. he comes back, confesses, wants to see how things go. time passes, he wants to be exclusive, atp we're abt a month in. i agree. he still doesnt want labels. tells me he loves me, calls me his girl, baby, etc. Still doesn't want labels. Another month passes. Now we're here. He's probably left and come back at least 10 times now. A week ago there's a shift though. He just starts to be very disrespectful and kind of degrading. I detach at that point and really put my foot down, he's unresponsive, and we leave the convo on vague terms. Next day the energy is certainly off. And I'll be honest, I was certainly being stand offish in the sense of tone.

We're on facetime and talking about megan fox. He starts the most random argument, calling an opinion of his a fact, yadada. I tell him he's wrong and he really escalates, raising his voice and I am not participating. I just sit silent till he stops. I make a passive agressive comment along the lines of "didn't realize megan fox was such a sensitive topic, my bad."

We sit for a moment in silence. I had been doing my makeup for the past 10 minutes. He breaks the silence by asking what im doing, i answer with the obvious. He tries asking about my plans, I'm upset though so I'm very passive aggressive. He starts saying he's gonna leave since he's bothering me. I tell him I never said that. He starts going on about how I don't want to have a conversation. I say something like "I mean I just tried to have a conversation and look where that got me". So, he starts yelling, "I guess we just won't ever have another conversation again. Since all I do is argue". He will not stop either, I talk over him telling him I never said that, he's making this way bigger than it needs to be etc. Eventually I get tired of him and quite literally raise my voice and tell him to stop talking. He hangs up on me, blocks me on EVERYTHING. 

Despite his many leavings, he's never blocked me. He of course comes back 2 days later at 2am and does the same thing per usual. That was the 16th at like 2am. But this time it hasn't shifted back. He takes hours to respond, doesn't tell me good morning, doesn't call, compliment or anything. Apparently he's suddenly so busy, and is going out drinking every night, and hasn't been sexual in any way, which has never happened. 

I've never accused anyone of cheating, I don't tend to be insecure in that way. But I just have this feeling something is going on. He's in a different state rn so i cant see whats going on, check his phone, nothing.

Which is what has led me to this. Loyalty testing. Something I've literally never even thought about, let alone really considered. I know it won't answer if he's done something or not. I just want to see. If he responded in a way I felt was not acceptable, i know 100%% i would be done. forever. that's something I have no tolerance in at all. Maybe I'm looking for a final push to say enough is enough. I dont know.

I guess that's all, if anyone genuinely read all of this, let me know what you think. and if not then thankyou even for reading. 

Okay I need honest opinions but please don't be dicks. (warning - i apologize if this is lengthy) TW: mentions of trauma like SA, self exit, mental illness, etc. but no details, just the mention of having them. maybe a little emotional abuse TW as well if that's whats happening??

CONTEXT I THINK IS IMPORTANT : I (20F) am in an exclusive relationship, but no labels, with a guy (24M). He has way way wayyy more dating and sexual experience than me. Now, this is going to sound corny of me, but I'm quite known for being kind of pathetic in relationships and possibly naive due to my inexperience and being overly understanding. He has a very avoidant relationship style so, he cannot communicate literally at all, is very hot and cold/inconsistent, and does that thing where he'll randomly tell me things to try and make me jealous almost like to make me feel like I have competition.

Now, besides romance, I'm surrounded by amazing people. I keep my circle small, I am a deep lover in all types of relationships so for most my life I've been the type to maybe, kind of, allow people to take advantage of me. I often am un-trustful of people who treat me too good. Once I love someone I'll do just about anything for them, despite what they give me back. Unless it goes too far but I typically still stay. I am the type of person to bring issues up, I think communication is extremely important. I would say I'm quite kind and healthy about it too (well until I'm pushed too far...)

I've struggled my whole life with childhood trauma and processing big grief at a young age. As an adult I've found out I have a lot of issues haha, but the biggest being BPD. I know there is many prejudices about this, and I certainly used to be all the negative stereotypes and honestly sometimes even worse than that. As an adult though I have worked on myself so much. 

----- U DO NOT NEED TO READ THIS FOR THE ACTUAL ISSUE AT HAND ---- (But if anyone is curious, struggles with BPD, depression, or PTSD, it's the small things that really changed my life: Journaling!! Specifically when over-thinking or overwhelmed with literally any emotion or person. Put your phone down. Do not text them back, and trust me I know it's hard, just trust me for a moment. Pick up a pen. A pencil, in my opinion, encourages erasing and gives opportunity to erase things when maybe overthinking. Pen is permanent. Write everything, you feel, read it once, pause, and read it again. It will help be a bit more clear headed about your emotions. Get out of bed!! I know it's so hard, but even if it seems impossible, suck it up and do it. Fake it, it does in fact help. Force yourself to do literally anything to get some sunlight, even if it's just opening a window in the kitchen while you drink some water. STOP. And i really mean stop!! indulging in sad media, music, movies, shows, books, any of it. Stop. It really does make a difference. Lastly, if nothing else has worked, distract yourself by being productive.))-----

Moving on though, as I said, I've truly turned a corner in life the past year, and worked hard on myself. I have done the work to reverse many past toxic habits which were indirectly harming the people I love. So, because I've had these issues in the past, I am very hyper-aware of how trauma can blind people to make harmful choices, often without realizing. I got more into spirituality and finally learned how to quiet my mind. I no longer take things so personal and realized i just can't control everything, and that's okay❤️

Unfortunately though, sometimes this causes me to maybe have a few habits that if over-indulged, push into self-neglect, and as you probably guessed, I will now list them, likely in an annoying, over explained, and seemingly self important manner. I can already picture those reading, if anyone even is, groaning in annoyance at my ranting, "god, when will she get to the point, a loyalty test hasn't even mentioned. She really typing up a novel abt some BS, like we gaf..", (At least im self aware??). To those people, sorry 🤷‍♀️. I'll be continuing anyways, because I want to, and I have free will.

Anyways, as I was saying, the list now ; We'll start with my favorite😍

---1.) My seemingly endless forgiveness and grace for those I love. Life is hard, for most, and myself included, having gone through pretty intense trauma, and losing a parent to suicide young, I know all too well living with trauma. When I love someone and I know of the things they've went through, I can't help but be endlessly empathetic. I forgive continued cycles and habits, a hundred times over. I want to clarify, I am not a people-pleaser or anything even close to one, nor would anyone else call me one. I have no issue calling people out when I don't like something they've done, or if a boundary is crossed.

In fact, I maybe sometimes take it too far when not feeling secure. I hope this sentiment will show my authenticity and honesty, in the sense of story telling. I am not one to victimize myself, so in my personal belief I really do think my story telling is decently unbiased and truthful. I will be sharing my part in the issues of our relationship as well. I am extremely flawed as everyone is, and I try my absolute best to see myself, good and bad. I have no issue holding myself accountable, I always want to be the very best version of myself, which fuels my drive for communication. I always want to be told if anything I'm doing or did negatively affects someone I love.

The world lacks so much compassion I feel like. I will always and forever live by the belief that if you truly love someone, their well-being is at the upmost importance to you. When someone brings up something that hurt them in fault of me, there will always be times that I just don't understand why and maybe even think they're being way too sensitive. But it doesn't matter, none of that does, because something I did still hurt them. So, even if maybe I don't understand, I will change it, because I love them and their well-being is more important than my lack of understanding.

I expect the same though, so because of this one habit/trait of mine, that I personally would believe is maybe uhhh- not quite toxic, but just sometimes unhealthy when I just can't stop. I will always communicate and bring up hard convos. Now in the beginning I'm very nice about it, no insulting, no attacking, and no accusing. I really take the time and work hard to make sure my way of wording things allows for both parties to feel safe to be honest and vulnerable in the conversation. Where things shift is when I bring the same thing up over, and over, and over again and nothing actually changes. Once I start to feel played with, I often become very emotionally detached and much more blunt. This turns to me over thinking every shift of energy, words, etc. because I lack a sense of security.

---2.) Watering down my boundaries and standards. I've noticed that as I beg over and over and over again to be treated well, slowly but eventually, I just start to take what I can get. 

---3.) And lastly, I think I can save them, fix them, whatever you want to call it. So, I just never leave. Nothing worth having is easy, right? I know he loves me, truly, and because of this I continue to forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, over and over. So, I stay, help him work through it, continue to communicate, and take the short end of the stick between us. Because, eventually it has to work, right?? Eventually, he will learn to love me in the capacity I need right??? 

 SOME THINGS ABOUT ME: You can 100% skip this part since this is technically not apart of the issue at all. It's very possible I'm being egotistical and I know many will think this part was un needed. I'm including it anyways though, mainly for myself to be honest to remind myself of my worth.

 I grew up quite poor and chubby so I'm pretty hard on myself to be honest, not that anyone irl would know that unless close to me. But here are some things about me cuz I think I'm quite the catch. Now I am a lesbian and have only been with women (and not many at that). I've only had one prior relationship to this, and it was short-lived at 6 months. It ended somewhat due to distance but mostly due to one reason. I struggle a lot to ask for things I need because I don't want to be annoying or exhaust anyone. I've noticed because of that I often attract people that will over time just stop putting effort into me since for a period of time I will allow it.

I'm quite the giver (eldest daughter with a single mother complex lol) so I'm typically if not always the one who pays for everyone, drives, comforts, cleans, makes the plans, etc. I love doing this, I just need a little back or I feel used naturally. My ex got so bad that when I stopped and thought about, she had NEVER once planned a date literally EVER. So I broke up with my ex-girlfriend in a non-fight in what I feel was a quite healthy way. I know this info seems useless but I'm including it to try and maybe give you all some insight on me as a person as I will the guy as well. 

Now, I know you are all probably confused about me being a lesbian but speaking about a man so I will explain now. HE is trans, F to M. Now at first I didn't know this, and once I found out I already liked him. Now I know many will think this is controversial and if homophobic maybe angry lol. But at the end of the day if I'm honest I am very attracted to masculinity. But due to sexual trauma as a child I actually cannot sleep with someone who has an actual,,,you guys know👀(male genital). If fact when trying I literally threw up due to anxiety, so I am still attracted to him. If anyone is upset or annoyed w/ me calling myself a lesbian I understand and partially agree lol. There's just not any term I think is accurate for me, but irl I honestly just say I'm gay if asked.

AND!!! if anyone is homophobic or transphobic reading this, please just be kind for today. I will not try to change anyones mind and you are entitled to your beliefs. All I ask is for you to please, either scroll or ignore the LGBTQ+ factor of the story if you really feel the need to make a negative comment about it. I am really in need of kindness in the replies of this post as I am already feeling quite low in life due to this man and am in need of guidance from some people with maybe more life experience or just experience in relationships. I mention him being trans though because despite being a bio woman, he genuinely (in my opinion at least) acts and thinks how a man would, in both toxic & healthy ways. Since gay I have no experience romantically w/ this at all!!

Back to me now...I would consider myself quite humble, but I think to ignore the affect that physical looks have on things, especially in romance, would be quite ignorant. From what people tell me I'm considered to be more on the attractive side and I'm in good shape since I workout and take good care of myself. I'm in school for a high earning job with good grades, I'm no genius or A student in college but I'm a solid B student. More importantly than school smarts, I am very emotionally intelligent (so I'm told) I also work full time outside of that, have good style, would consider myself quite headstrong, and decently funny. I'm a yapper but a deep conversationalist. Basically, I'm a catch and I know it. Whether that seems egotistical or not, I honestly don't care. At the end of the day, I'm continuously hit on and pursued, so clearly I'm attractive. 

Now, I'll preface, this is going to sound bad. Just trust the process for a second and read the whole paragraph. I do not date for looks, at all. I am attracted to masculine women through and through, and in this case a trans man. I'm very feminine in a more alternative, megan fox,  femme fatale vibes way, if that makes sense. He is shorter than me, and on the chubbier side seeing as he's an alcoholic, he def has a beer belly. He doesn't really have a style? He's a plain color hoodie/tee with shorts type of guy. To put it bluntly everyone constantly tells me I'm way out of his league or makes the typical comments of like, "he must be good in bed." or "he must be really funny". 

I don't care though. I really do love him, just because he's himself. I don't know how to explain it. It just is, whether i want to or not, i do. 

He's not in school, he does blue collar stuff for work. He doesn't have his own place, neither do I. I wouldn't say he's like overtly funny and he's certainly not an abundantly nice person. My point is objectively speaking the average person would probably say I'm out of his league. I mention this because of the following. 

He has always been kind of shady. In the sense that he has joked about banging my friends (apologized but nonetheless) and things similar. He loves to tell me things he doesn't need to, and I lowkey don't believe. He is alwaysss telling me about all the girls who want him, flirt with him in person, yadadada, nonchalantly but still. It's become so frequent that it leads me to wonder, is he making things up to make me jealous? It feels as if he's trying to make me feel like I'm competing for him, like he's a prize to be won. It's very strange to me. Sometimes it feels like he's trying to thumb me down because he's insecure. Almost like he wants to lower my self worth so he feels more secure.

I know many are going to tell me to leave, but I currently cannot seem to force myself to. I need a real push, and end all, be all. 

Now, over time, he has began to -- hmm, i don't know exactly what, but it feels as if I've been conditioned in a sense. When I confront him on crossing my boundaries, he shuts down. He self destructs, typically always saying some sort of combination, or all, of the following. 

"You deserve better than me." 

"If I'm such a piece of shit why do you even want to be with me." (which i never said, and will always correct that i don't feel that way about him and never have). 

When questioned on his feelings towards me, "if i didnt like/love you why would i be here??" 

"I don't know what to say"

"i can't give you what you deserve"

"nothing i do is enough for you"

That all being said, eventually he used to somewhat open up and genuinely apologize for his actions after a little bit of persistence. Then we'd have a solid good week where he's so loving. But in these fights, he leaves, and I don't chase. He says he's done, I try talking, he says he's really done, I fight a bit more, nothing. So I say okay, block him on imessage so I don't beg, and unfollow on socials. Then a day or two passes, he blows up my phone, he misses me, needs me, loves me, can't stop thinking about me, he's so sorry, etc. I stand my ground, I make him work for it for a good hour, apologize, explain, etc. Then I take him back. This happens weekly. But everytime we come back together he's abundantly loving.

Timeline - met on tindr, was supposed to be a casual hookup, he made in uncasual, i confess, he rejects me. we dont talk for a week. he comes back, confesses, wants to see how things go. time passes, he wants to be exclusive, atp we're abt a month in. i agree. he still doesnt want labels. tells me he loves me, calls me his girl, baby, etc. Still doesn't want labels. Another month passes. Now we're here. He's probably left and come back at least 10 times now. A week ago there's a shift though. He just starts to be very disrespectful and kind of degrading. I detach at that point and really put my foot down, he's unresponsive, and we leave the convo on vague terms. Next day the energy is certainly off. And I'll be honest, I was certainly being stand offish in the sense of tone.

We're on facetime and talking about megan fox. He starts the most random argument, calling an opinion of his a fact, yadada. I tell him he's wrong and he really escalates, raising his voice and I am not participating. I just sit silent till he stops. I make a passive agressive comment along the lines of "didn't realize megan fox was such a sensitive topic, my bad."

We sit for a moment in silence. I had been doing my makeup for the past 10 minutes. He breaks the silence by asking what im doing, i answer with the obvious. He tries asking about my plans, I'm upset though so I'm very passive aggressive. He starts saying he's gonna leave since he's bothering me. I tell him I never said that. He starts going on about how I don't want to have a conversation. I say something like "I mean I just tried to have a conversation and look where that got me". So, he starts yelling, "I guess we just won't ever have another conversation again. Since all I do is argue". He will not stop either, I talk over him telling him I never said that, he's making this way bigger than it needs to be etc. Eventually I get tired of him and quite literally raise my voice and tell him to stop talking. He hangs up on me, blocks me on EVERYTHING. 

Despite his many leavings, he's never blocked me. He of course comes back 2 days later at 2am and does the same thing per usual. That was the 16th at like 2am. But this time it hasn't shifted back. He takes hours to respond, doesn't tell me good morning, doesn't call, compliment or anything. Apparently he's suddenly so busy, and is going out drinking every night, and hasn't been sexual in any way, which has never happened. 

I've never accused anyone of cheating, I don't tend to be insecure in that way. But I just have this feeling something is going on. He's in a different state rn so i cant see whats going on, check his phone, nothing.

Which is what has led me to this. Loyalty testing. Something I've literally never even thought about, let alone really considered. I know it won't answer if he's done something or not. I just want to see. If he responded in a way I felt was not acceptable, i know 100%% i would be done. forever. that's something I have no tolerance in at all. Maybe I'm looking for a final push to say enough is enough. I dont know.

I guess that's all, if anyone genuinely read all of this, let me know what you think. and if not then thankyou even for reading.