ETA: I see how some of you got confused. We ARE eloping. A week later, we planned to invite our immediate families to celebrate at a bbq. Less than 20 people. It's not a wedding. I will not be in a wedding dress. It's a bbq that both our families are invited to.
Let me start by saying, holy crap, there was a post in here just yesterday that sounded so similar to my situation. I wondered if I should even post. But I think I will even just to vent, and because I'd love to get feedback and this particular brand of abuse? Gaslighting? I don't even know.
For some context: my mom is bipolar. Growing up it was unmanaged, she's medicated now and mostly a different person. But she still is emotional, manipulative, and emotionally immature.
I've been engaged almost two years. My partner and I both have ADHD and can't plan for shit. My sister got engaged last year. We're both getting married this summer. I'm eloping, she's having a wedding. With my elopement, all I requested was an intimate bbq with immediate family (16 people) and asked my mom for help. Even planning an elopement is enough on my ADHD plate. I guess I mention this piece cause maybe it feels like a lot to my family? I really was trying to make it as low stress as possible (and I don't mind, never dreamed of a big wedding or anything ).
So, the drama. I was panicking about my dress because I had another fitting scheduled today and hadn't yet made a decision about some alterations. I asked my mom (a few days ago) if she could help me mock up some images so I could see (she was a graphic designer, and I was having the most ridiculous results with chat gpt).
Her images were better but still not right, I thanked her numerous times and just said give it a rest (last night). This morning, she's still sending pictures.
So today (day of appointment) she asks if I want her to come. No.. I don't, because I know how she gets. But she said she wouldn't give her opinion unless I asked. So I thought on it for a a bit then said "if you want to come you can."
To which she says "on my way"...
I don't have to leave for the appointment for an hour and I literally am naked, fresh out of the shower when she said this. So I told her exactly that. She said "I thought you wanted to get on the same page," which yes, is something I had said earlier in this drama when she started talking about coming to my appointment. At this point, I'd given up on the whole thing. We never made any plans to get together. She just... Decided it was time and that was the plan I guess.
My response was "you coming over unannounced is the opposite of getting on the same page." She went quiet.
I got dressed, fed myself, and called her. I can tell she's on edge. She goes on and on trying to explain to me how these things go wrong (dress alterations) because of communication break down. Mind you, she wasn't at the first appointment to see the seamstress and I communicate and actually hasn't talked to me about any of this at all so I'm not sure where all this concern is coming from. I told her more or less that there's no point in stressing about it now, I'll talk to the seamstress at the appointment. She tells me this is a red flag. (?) I question this and things start to escalate. At some point she said "sounds like you don't need me there".
I literally never asked her to be there. I invited her the first time out of courtesy, which I was clear about ("I don't care if you come but if it would mean something to you, feel free"). And she couldn't make it. This time I said she can come if she wants. I never indicated that I need her there. I wanted her Photoshop skills to help visualize ideas the seamstress and I already discussed. That's it.
So she's escalated and I say "I don't think you're in the headspace to come today." Now she loses it and switches topics (?) to the bbq, demanding I pick the food (she asked me a couple of days ago). I said, admittedly, more escalated "I'm not doing that right now because I'm going to a dress appointment!?" (As she knows!) She hung up.
Then she texted me to tell me that she's not taking this disrespect from me anymore. That I'm condescending and I've crossed her boundary. I'm fired up at this point so I say "oh please. Take some responsibility for how you show up"
She goes on to say all she's ever done is try to help with my wedding so sorry for showing up that way, and "here we go again with the condescending tone"
Here's the kicker. She said "with as much therapy as you do, you should know how to treat people better." I'm stunned silent at this point. I'd love to say I can't believe my own mother would say something like that to me... But this has been my whole life. I have been seeing therapists pretty regularly for the last 7-8 years. And I'm in a behavioral addiction program because guess what, having a mentally ill mother results in some unhealthy coping mechanisms. But she doesn't know that last part, only that I go to therapy. Which, btw, she has asked me on multiple occasions if I just talk about her the whole time.
I haven't said anything since telling her to take responsibility. An hour or so later, she tells me she is no longer working on the barbeque and she can no longer help me out with something else that's totally unrelated, but was an hour a week. I didn't ask, she offered, and I was super grateful. But she's now recinded it because "we can't work together well or communicate and she's uncomfortable". And she "needs to take space".
I'm just... At a loss. I don't have therapy till next week so I'm venting here. Listen, I know I pushed back some... But I just feel like I'm being completely gaslit? And made out to be the unhinged person? And have therapy thrown in my face ... I just...WTF?
At this point, if we even have a bbq, I don't even want her there.
I'll obviously have to see her at my sister's wedding. I was planning to go early (she's out of state) to help alongside my mom but... I can't even fathom that right now.
I just.. don't know..what the f*ck just happened...