u/Glum-Tax7659

I (41F) been in a relationship with my (37M) boyfriend for 11months.

I have noticed in this time a different relationship with his mum than I am used to seeing with men with their mothers. (I have a brother, cousins, father).

Him and his mother live in different countries, they don’t talk daily or text a lot but she does rely on him for advice, she also tells him things that she asks him not to tell his other siblings. Like the father cheated and she was upset and she put that on him.

The father was/is abusive. He watched his mum be abused as a kid and also struggle financially as the father would not give her enough money. The father still puts pressure on them and he steps in so his mother and sister don’t cop it from the father (Indian family background).

She makes him pray when he is at her home. He doesn’t do it normally at his home. She knows he doesn’t like it but pressures him to do it anyway.

He said he is just doing these things to respect his mum and once his parents are gone he won’t do it as he doesn’t like the culture.

She tried to manipulate me when he wasn’t around, telling me that he is getting better at praying and that he needs to do it more. I knew he didn’t do it so I could hear her manipulation in her words. I told him and he was annoyed what his mother said to me. I can no longer trust what she says to me now, and am very brief with her in conversation.

She ordered us around to go visit people when we visited her in her country. Telling us what time to be home etc. I complained to my boyfriend about it and we arrived late one night and his mother glared at me, lol. I glared back.

She does visit and stay with him but she also stays with other family members.

One night I was at his house when she was there and he hadn’t gotten home from his client yet. I asked if she wanted to do anything that night she said I’ll ask what Paul* is doing, I said he’s finishing later tonight he’ll be home about 730pm. Like I’m here too lady. She didn’t ask what are you two doing - thought that was a bit weird.

She wanted him to buy a house so she could have her own room when she visits. He bought an investment property instead, rented it out and rented another place and there are no spare rooms for her. So he did have a spine to do his own thing there.

He follows what she says/asks a lot of the time to make her happy.
She took something of mine from his room (not sure if an accident) but she didn’t apologise, not sure if he told her it was mine and I had to ask 3 x for him to replace it.

Is this enmeshment? Or is it cultural or something else?

My (41) boyfriend (37) have been seeing each other for 11months, we don’t live together yet.

There’s a few issues and I’m not sure what to do - whenever I try to bring something up that bothers me, and I bring it up nicely, he will mostly do one of 2 things - either get defensive, annoyed and not actually address what I’ve just said, not even take it seriously. Or he will just look at me and smile back at me if I’ve said it with a smile, trying to say it nicely to him, but again he doesn’t take it seriously. I end up getting really frustrated with him and eventually get mad at him then he says I always get angry/annoyed . I’m at my wits end as I feel like he doesn’t consider me and how I feel, or want to listen.

Then there’s his relationship with his family, he’s close to his mum but he watched his father abuse her as a kid. He never really speaks up to her when she interferes in our day (asks him to suddenly do something last minute when we already have plans), or tells her no to things. He wants to make her happy and it’s partially to do with the abuse - he is in therapy to help him deal with this but he also said he is trying to give his mum a better life so he financially prioritises her and sometimes emotionally puts her first. She also took something of mine, I think by accident or she thought it was his, he thought nothing of it, and I had to ask him 3 times to replace it. I had tried talking to him about the lack of boundaries but he just defaults to ‘you don’t know what it’s like to see your mum go through that.’ I had basically said if we move in or get married I would need healthier boundaries with his mum and would want him to prioritise building a life with me. But I need to see it before we move in, which at the moment I don’t. I don’t have anything against his mum or him Spending time with her etc. I just see a lot of trauma on both sides of them.

He does spend a lot of time with me, we go on dates etc, carve out time together, go away together, enjoy similar things, but I have healthy boundaries with my family (who I am close to) where we do not have expectations to just drop what we are doing for each others requests or to pay for each others big purchases.

There’s clearly 2 issues here, they are big issues for me and I’m at the point where im about to break it off (don’t think he even realises this) because of long term happiness and im exhausted from trying to explain what to me is basics in a relationship.