My BF(M27) and I (F28) had a huge fight during our vacation
i just feel so lost and i hope that somebody would help me. Basically, I've been unemployed for I guess 8 months now, had some major life changes (basically my grad school fucked me over) and moved back to my home country. My bf and I have been rocky, really, for a bit, because of my situations (precarious visa situation, poor ass grad student stipend, long distance for a while). He also had some abusive behaviors like he would berate me, call me stupid and that I make stupid decisions. I always just stonewall whenever he gets on these moods and I know that's also my fault but I just can't always be 100% emotionally available especially when he's already irate or annoyed at me. So I just kinda shut down emotionally. I have tried my best to put up boundaries, telling him to stop or to cool off, which he doesn't really do. He got better for a while with therapy but he always slips up with these behaviors. I've called it what it is before, and his exes have too. But yeah, I kinda just stuck with him because I do love him still. Anyway, he moved with me and we're now living with my parents in my home country where they mostly let us do our own thing.
For the times that I've been with him the last few months, he's been really helping me financially. Like whenever we'd go out and do stuff, he foots the bill. He has a constant check from being a veteran and so he's mostly always covered and I know it's not enough to live in America (thats why we moved), but he makes it work. I really am grateful for all of that. I had hoped that by going home I'd get a job and help him out, but the job market's terrible now and I've been having a really hard time landing a job. My parents help out and don't ask us for anything tbh, so we're just really spending on leisure or whatever he wants to spend on here.
Anyway, we went on vacation this week and it was fine until it wasn't. On our first night, I suggested we'd buy a Day Pass for our 4-day trip so that our transit will be covered for a day at least. He said ok bc it was his money, until when I checked the confirmation email, we had to get it in person, which sucked because it didn't say on the website that that was the case. It was also 11PM when we arrived so there was no one to help us really. He was annoyed then but let it go. I thought we could still use it in our trip. On our third day, he snapped after we had lunch. We were supposed to pick up the day passes but I told him it was at a different transit point, not the one we were at. I tried explaining the differences but he wasn't really having it. Then, while walking, he asked about how my job search was going, which triggered the alarm bells for me, bc it means he's anxious about money and that it's my fault. I told him the truth, I still haven't gotten an interview despite having a masters degree and he just implied that I wasn't trying hard enough. This upset me of course, and im trying not to cry in the middle of a busy city in a foreign country but I couldn't help it. He kept walking ahead of me and I decided to just hang back because he obviously didn't care if I was still keeping up. I cried there. He thought I was embarrassing him and that I'm being uncooperative but I was trying to explain my side, and I cry a lot about these things. He kept saying I make stupid decisions and can't stand for that anymore.
He has a lot of trauma stemming from being taken advantage of, which I get. But I really am trying to land a job. I offered to show him my application tracker and how many jobs never got back to me, or just never reach back after sending an application, but he said that's not what he needed from me. And then he spent an hour or so berating me, again, for being in this position, which I never thought I would be. I'm trying v hard to be kind to myself bc everything he has said to me are things that I have told myself already. I struggle with a lot of confidence issues and it's just so bad when he gets riled up. After a moment of silence, he asked if I wanted to get dinner and I said no, bc i didn't want to burden him of paying for me when he has done so the last three days and have made it clear that he didn't want to anymore. And he said that's not what he meant and that he's not evil and won't leave me stranded like that. I stood my ground, but he also brought me food after he had gone in alone. Which I said thank you for and ate.
Anyway, we're back home now and I still dont know how to deal with all this. I just dont really want to have this conversation with him right now, knowing that I just didn't want him to talk to me that way ever again. I've made it clear before, and he's just acquiescing that this is just the way he is. He said he doesn't want me to slave over him just bc he's paying but it seems to me that that's what he wants. But i really don't know, I just don't know if it's still worth it. After everything we've been through. After we've tried so hard to be better to each other.
TL;DR: Bf financially supports me (food and leisure), we're living with MY parents without rent, had a huge fight about my contributions in the relationship with him verbally abusing me. idk what to do, need anyone's advice or clarity or something. I know its not as serious as other peoples here but i just want to talk to someone about this 😞
I would appreciate someone's experience on the matter! Is this relationship worth saving? ;