u/Gobsmacked117

Hi everyone. Without getting too much into detail regarding our history, because I could overcomplicate it and get lost it in, let me at least offer a short summary for context how I feel right now.

• I met my gf 3 years ago and we immediately felt very compatible with each other regarding our values, intellect, etc.
• I found her attractive from the beginning, but I still wasn't over my ex. I didn't feel much passion between the two of us. She knew about the ex. We break up a few times, which I would always initiate, because I didn't feel happy or fulfilled or that I didn’t feel enough chemistry between the two of us.
• I finally get over my ex last summer at the end of August. I just felt it. I thought I could finally open up for love and "fall in love" with my current girlfriend. That didn't happen. She breaks up with me for the first time out of frustration and our separation lasts for about 3 weeks until Christmas.

 

I would probably add that she always came back to me, but she never begged, but I could tell that she was sad and missed me, so I agreed to get back together. To be honest, during our last break up I was sad too, but I didn’t reach out to her.

That brings me to the last 4 months. I am comfortable with my GF and I feel like she has become a part of my life. I got used to her, but that’s not love, right? I would miss her if we broke up for real. I actually think she is really awesome and caring and she has many other great qualities, even if she irritates the hell out of me sometimes but she probably feels the same way about me in this regard, lol

However, I just don’t feel “IT” as much as I would like I guess. Our sex life for the past 4 months has pretty much sucked compared to how it was before. Like I said, it was never passionate between the two of us, so even the sex itself wasn’t, apart from a few times, but now it is even worse. It is absolutely boring and she says that it somehow hurts her if we do it for longer than 10 or 15 minutes. I asked her if there is perhaps as psychological barrier that causes her to not open up physically that makes it hurt her, and she said that it’s probably the case, which I believe. 

I don’t want to cheat on her. I can still be attracted to other women and sometimes I wish I was single again so I was free to do whatever I want, but I don’t want to do anything stupid like I have in the past. It would be better to break it clean.

Here a couple of extra facts that can influence whether we can/can’t or should/shouldn’t be together.

She has become really integrated in my social circle and my family. Everybody likes or even loves her and I am not surprised. She’s truly great. She had a minor falling out with my sister 6 months ago (which was also a partial reason for our breakup) Apart from that, people around me approve of her and like spending time with her. They make plans long into the future and that makes regretful and prevents me from breaking up with her. This is in stark contrast compared to my previous GF, where people didn’t like her at all and told me several times to get rid of her (I didn’t listen). 

So, I thought, “maybe I don’t love my GF as much as I did my ex, but maybe that’s a good thing?” Because with my Ex, it was perhaps a lot of passion but at the same time it was a lot of drama and it was toxic. With my current gf I thought that passion and love is not important to build a strong and lasting relationship and maybe it’s even for the better, but I sure do miss it.

On the other hand, and this could be a dealbreaker, she recently told me that she isn’t sure if the wants to have children of our own and would perhaps rather adopt. She told me this a few times, but I always played it down, but this time she seemed serious. She also said that this was one of the reasons she broke up with her ex-fiancee of 11 years. I want children of my own one day. I still have time

To be honest, after reading this back, if somebody else had posted it, I’d probably be telling them to stop dragging it out and admit that something clearly isn’t working. The fact I’m thinking that about my own situation probably isn’t nothing...

Well, anyway, thank you for taking your time to read this :) Thank you for any insight and advice how to navigate this.

TL;DR: I (34M) have been with my girlfriend (33F) for 3 years. She’s kind, loyal, my friend and family love her and we are quite compatible, but I’ve never felt “in love” or strongly passionate about her, and we’ve broken up a few times because of it. Recently, our intimacy has faded, we might want different things about children and I’m struggling to tell whether I’m staying out comfort and because I don’t want to lose someone who is awesome even if I don’t romantically “love” her but I might ultimately hurt us both if I keep this going.