u/Goochiegoogoo

Sometimes I just sit here and talk to God or anyone who can hear me but I never hear anything back. Sometimes it gets really lonely and scary. Life is hard. With good moments too of course. I don't want to be in this world anymore I just want to be with God

Ex and I stuck living together for the time being. Trying to keep my distance but at times we do talk a little. Mostly I try to keep it "strictly business". 

My reasons for not wanting to be together (however I've been OPEN to the idea of working on things IF he actually wanted to) 

-Can't talk about my feelings. Can't share my feelings. No matter how calmy I express them. Once in a while he does listen and those times I appreciate. But more often than not he will get irritated. I will be calm as a cucumber trying to talk to him. If it's something I am saying hurt my feelings, he is offended. I am met with stonewalling or "'can you leave me alone? can you go away?" 

For example a little over a month ago we were talking a bit more which was proven to be a mistake. I was feeling hurt with how he was treating me. I came to him and calmly expressed that how he's treating me lately is hurtful. It makes me feel like an annoyance and a burden and it's really getting to me mentally and affecting my day. His response? "Can you go away? I don't care about this right now." Followed by stonewalling. At first I asked if he's really just going to ignore me. It really started to get to me and I kept talking and he suddenly had a smirk on his face as if he was getting a kick out of it all. I walked away and went to my room. 

Also before I left his precense I even explained I understand we aren't together but we can still treat each other kindly. (For example I might be talking, about anything, and he will suddenly seemed annoyed, and act like he is superior to me. Sighing, monotone voice, looking at phone while I'm talking, or plainly telling me to leave even if I'm just talking about regular things. "because he's tired". Or wants to be on his phone." Very much giving the vibe of "you're below me". 

He will go out of his way to engage with me. Seemingly being nice or funny. I engage back? At times he will act totally uninterested, annoyed, like he doesn't care I am speaking. Which is weird because he's the one trying to talk to me. A week ago he has the actual audacity to ask me "if I want to be together" because he thought maybe I do and he "felt bad." 

Why he doesn't want to be together and what he thinks needs to happen in order for it to "work". 

-Dont bitch/nag at him, let him be himself, and he doesn't say this but essentially it's that he doesn't ever want wanna talk about anything I feel. He doesn't understand how to repair conflict. Every attempt to communicate is seen as a fight. 

But is sad because even if I pushed my feelings aside and never said I word, I would basically just be someone's emotional punching bag. 

Yesterday I walked by and said to him "I'm just curious have you won more fights than solved problems?" This was after I tried to talk to him about something and he started being really cruel. I didn't have a bad reaction I just walked away. 

He thinks I am "sabotaging" the relationship. Well that's funny. That's exactly what I think he is doing. Except the difference is that I know I have flaws and make mistakes. I'm always willing to have a conversation and talk about anything. Admit my flaws. Reflect on stuff. Him? Not so much. I rarely ever get an apology. 

It's just funny to me that he seems to think I am so sad and want to be together. I said that's not the case. I said don't get me wrong it is sad because I think we could have worked on things together but I have no choice but to move on. He doesn't know how much I've cried. 

And honestly he doesn't care all too much when I do cry. The last time I cried because of how he was speaking to me it ended up really getting to me because I was already stressed and yeah it was just a really bad crying moment and he didn't care and said I was being too sensitive. He can easily sleep when I cry as if it's a lullaby. 

A couple months ago I went into his room when he wasn't home. I laid in his bed and I cried. I went to his clothes and I smelled them. I hugged them and I cried. I cried for a man who I cannot be with. because he doesn't exist. not in the way I need. 

I cried for the ways in which I do love him. that are irrelevant considering it's hurting me to love him. I cried so much. I masturbate and I cry because I immediately think of him afterwards. even though I wasn't thinking of anything while masturbating. it's painful. 

I wish it could be like it was in the beginning. It seemed so perfect. But I ignored red flags and stayed for too long. Some things he's said to me that replayed in my head so many times "I can't come home everyday and pick you up off the miserable ground, you have too many problems, idiot, retard, bitch, built like a line backer, cunt, dumb retard, broken, annoying, nag". 

It really started to break me down. I have been going to the gym and working on getting my self esteem back. I feel more confident than I have in a long time. I can tell it's scaring him. I know when I am able to leave he will try to get me back. It's already happened once. But now I've finally learned my lesson. 

I know deep down it's bothering him that I might just actually be detaching. But I know I am reaching new points of view. Yesterday after I was trying to communicate and he started saying rudely that I was bitching and "bothering him" I remained calm.

 I stepped away for a moment and then I came back and I said I didn't need his validation or reassurance. And sure it would be nice. But I don't need it. I didn't say it rudely I just said it as a matter of fact and politely. (And I meant it. I didn't have anger. I didn't have resentment. It just felt firm, and true, and without attachment. At first I was deeply sad, and then resentful. But now I notice I am starting to just feel indifferent.)

He took a deep breath as if what I just said bothered him in an uncomfortable way. Not an annoyed way. Almost fearful? I'm not even sure how to describe it. Like he was shocked I wouldn't need his validation. Sounds weird but that's how it came across. Like he was wondering "where did this confidence suddenly come from?" 

Moral of the story if you and someone are in a toxic relationship and break up and they come back months later, after you moved on, wanting to "go on a date" but not wanting to talk and reflect about the previous relationship issues you had, they do not love you. They are probably just wanting to use you. 

The only reason we talked about any of that stuff was because I brought it up. Bane of his fucking existence. It was like pulling teeth. I wanted to make sure we learned from past mistakes. He just wanted someone to fill the hole in his heart with admiration, someone to support the fantasy of who he thinks he is. He can't see the truth and I'm just a terrible mirror of it. 

Ex and I stuck living together for the time being. Trying to keep my distance but at times we do talk a little. Mostly I try to keep it "strictly business". 

My reasons for not wanting to be together (however I've been OPEN to the idea of working on things IF he actually wanted to) 

-Can't talk about my feelings. Can't share my feelings. No matter how calmy I express them. Once in a while he does listen and those times I appreciate. But more often than not he will get irritated. I will be calm as a cucumber trying to talk to him. If it's something I am saying hurt my feelings, he is offended. I am met with stonewalling or "'can you leave me alone? can you go away?" 

For example a little over a month ago we were talking a bit more which was proven to be a mistake. I was feeling hurt with how he was treating me. I came to him and calmly expressed that how he's treating me lately is hurtful. It makes me feel like an annoyance and a burden and it's really getting to me mentally and affecting my day. His response? "Can you go away? I don't care about this right now." Followed by stonewalling. At first I asked if he's really just going to ignore me. It really started to get to me and I kept talking and he suddenly had a smirk on his face as if he was getting a kick out of it all. I walked away and went to my room. 

Also before I left his precense I even explained I understand we aren't together but we can still treat each other kindly. (For example I might be talking, about anything, and he will suddenly seemed annoyed, and act like he is superior to me. Sighing, monotone voice, looking at phone while I'm talking, or plainly telling me to leave even if I'm just talking about regular things. "because he's tired". Or wants to be on his phone." Very much giving the vibe of "you're below me". 

He will go out of his way to engage with me. Seemingly being nice or funny. I engage back? At times he will act totally uninterested, annoyed, like he doesn't care I am speaking. Which is weird because he's the one trying to talk to me. A week ago he has the actual audacity to ask me "if I want to be together" because he thought maybe I do and he "felt bad." 

Why he doesn't want to be together and what he thinks needs to happen in order for it to "work". 

-Dont bitch/nag at him, let him be himself, and he doesn't say this but essentially it's that he doesn't ever want wanna talk about anything I feel. He doesn't understand how to repair conflict. Every attempt to communicate is seen as a fight. 

But is sad because even if I pushed my feelings aside and never said I word, I would basically just be someone's emotional punching bag. 

Yesterday I walked by and said to him "I'm just curious have you won more fights than solved problems?" This was after I tried to talk to him about something and he started being really cruel. I didn't have a bad reaction I just walked away. 

He thinks I am "sabotaging" the relationship. Well that's funny. That's exactly what I think he is doing. Except the difference is that I know I have flaws and make mistakes. I'm always willing to have a conversation and talk about anything. Admit my flaws. Reflect on stuff. Him? Not so much. I rarely ever get an apology. 

It's just funny to me that he seems to think I am so sad and want to be together. I said that's not the case. I said don't get me wrong it is sad because I think we could have worked on things together but I have no choice but to move on. He doesn't know how much I've cried. 

And honestly he doesn't care all too much when I do cry. The last time I cried because of how he was speaking to me it ended up really getting to me because I was already stressed and yeah it was just a really bad crying moment and he didn't care and said I was being too sensitive. He can easily sleep when I cry as if it's a lullaby. 

A couple months ago I went into his room when he wasn't home. I laid in his bed and I cried. I went to his clothes and I smelled them. I hugged them and I cried. I cried for a man who I cannot be with. because he doesn't exist. not in the way I need. 

I cried for the ways in which I do love him. that are irrelevant considering it's hurting me to love him. I cried so much. I masturbate and I cry because I immediately think of him afterwards. even though I wasn't thinking of anything while masturbating. it's painful. 

I wish it could be like it was in the beginning. It seemed so perfect. But I ignored red flags and stayed for too long. Some things he's said to me that replayed in my head so many times "I can't come home everyday and pick you up off the miserable ground, you have too many problems, idiot, retard, bitch, built like a line backer, cunt, dumb retard, broken, annoying, nag". 

It really started to break me down. I have been going to the gym and working on getting my self esteem back. I feel more confident than I have in a long time. I can tell it's scaring him. I know when I am able to leave he will try to get me back. It's already happened once. But now I've finally learned my lesson. 

I know deep down it's bothering him that I might just actually be detaching. But I know I am reaching new points of view. Yesterday after I was trying to communicate and he started saying rudely that I was bitching and "bothering him" I remained calm.

 I stepped away for a moment and then I came back and I said I didn't need his validation or reassurance. And sure it would be nice. But I don't need it. I didn't say it rudely I just said it as a matter of fact and politely. (And I meant it. I didn't have anger. I didn't have resentment. It just felt firm, and true, and without attachment. At first I was deeply sad, and then resentful. But now I notice I am starting to just feel indifferent.)

He took a deep breath as if what I just said bothered him in an uncomfortable way. Not an annoyed way. Almost fearful? I'm not even sure how to describe it. Like he was shocked I wouldn't need his validation. Sounds weird but that's how it came across. Like he was wondering "where did this confidence suddenly come from?" 

Moral of the story if you and someone are in a toxic relationship and break up and they come back months later, after you moved on, wanting to "go on a date" but not wanting to talk and reflect about the previous relationship issues you had, they do not love you. They are probably just wanting to use you. 

The only reason we talked about any of that stuff was because I brought it up. Bane of his fucking existence. It was like pulling teeth. I wanted to make sure we learned from past mistakes. He just wanted someone to fill the hole in his heart with admiration, someone to support the fantasy of who he thinks he is. He can't see the truth and I'm just a terrible mirror of it.