u/Good-Position8914

On March 31st i smoked more weed than i am used to (i am not a frequent smoker at all and i can count on two hands how many times i have done it). For whatever reason, i have not been able to snap back into reality. I dont feel real, almost like i am too aware of everything. Sometimes i will go through phases where i still feel high (the paranoid, slow pace feeling). Now i have realized that i dont really think about the things i do, i just constantly daydream instead of being locked in on what i am doing. I feel like i rely on my memories to distract me. This makes me very afraid, i want to feel normal again. I haven't smoked since but i can't find a way to feel real. Can i be fixed? Please help me if you are able. Thank you for reading:)

I can't talk to people normally anymore. I overthink what i am going to say, and end up just choking up on my words an ddont say anything at all. I feel awkward and not like myself. I never used to be this way, i used to be carefree but now i overthink everything so much. This makes me end up staying home when i should be experiencing things. I don't have any friends because i can't talk to anyone. I harp on embarrassing moment until im sick to my stomach, and lose sleep at night from stressing myself out so much. Anxiety has me on a very tight leash and no one understands, if there is any advice that would be helpful, it is very welcome here:)

For some context, I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, starting somehwere around 13 years old. I was officially diagnosed at 14 years old. In highschool i was liked by many, i had a big group of friends and conversations would flow naturally for me. When i was a senior in highschool, things began to change. I started dating a boy at the end of my junior year and it was at that point i started to stop knowing how to talk to people. He would have parties at his house and i would have to hang out with his guy friends and girl friends, who i have had converations with before. For whatever reason, i found it impossible to talk to them normally or find the right words to say, i would end up choking up with my words and not saying anything at all. I would just stand there awkwardly while they all talked. My mind will go blank every single time. There is nothing wrong with his friends, they all like me and think im very nice, and they are equally as nice people. I just can never finds the words to strike up a conversation with them even though i want to be closer friends with them.

I have always hated that i couldn't be normal around his friends and that would make me too nervous to hang out with anyone so i isolated myself my senior year. I would just hang out with my boyfriend. It bothered me even more because previous to this, i never had an issue talking to people. Now i overthink my responses, how others would react to what i say, and overthinking about pretty much everything.

I swore it would be better in college, but i am facing the same issue. But this time instead of people including me, they dont bother to anymore. And honestly, how could i blame them? I was close with my roommate before going into college and we both joined the same sorority. We created a group of friends where we all hung out. Within two or three weeks it was over. She and the rest of our friends all went to the lake for the long weekend and i was the only one not invited. I was heartbroken because i thought i did everything right, so i couldnt understand how this was happening again. I was actually trying way harder to talk and i thought i was doing well.

A couple of months later, i find a new group of friends. Everything was going very well for a few months. To keep a long story short, i was very close with one of the girls in the group. She ended up becoming a person that the other girls weren't very fond of and so they grew distant of her. I chose not to because i thought of myself and i didn't want her to be alone. I had this in mind thinking that the other girls in our group would stay close with me. Of course, this didn't end up happening. And the cycle repeats itself, i slowly start to not be included, and then we are barely friends at all, and again i can't find the words to say to them because i am overhtinking about it too hard.

Anxiety keeps me on a very short leash. I lose sleep at night thinking of all the embarassing things ive done in the past. If i have done something embarassing recently, i will dwell on it for weeks and feel like i cant breathe. I pick at my fingers and bite the inside of my cheeks. My heart races if i think of anything bad. My stomach hurts terribly when i get too nervous. I overthink absolutely everything. I try to adapt my personaility into someone i think others would like, and i don't even know who i am anymore. I hate feeling this way, i dont know who i am or how to undo this kind of damage. I wasn't always this way. I was carefree my freshman, sophomore, and junior year.

I dont have any friends except for my boyfriend. I have never felt so alone and lost in my life before. I look around and all my friends from highschool are thriving. I dont know why i cant do the same. I am not unlikeable either (i dont mean to sound conceited) but i try to be pleasant in any way i can, i try to be the best friend i can to people, i will listen and be there for you, i am funny, and genunely love people. I dont know whats wrong with me or what i can do to make people want to be around me.

Side note: i have never tried medication to manage this because i dont want to feel numb, i was numb when i was depressed and i hated it. Thank you for reading:)