Guilt/Confusion
Im 36M and I have been the primary caregiver for my mother who has kidney failure dyalisis 3 days/week. In the past year she has suffered 2 minor strokes,covid,pneumonia and 2 fractured ribs. I stayed everyday for the 2 weeks she was in the hospital plus appointments and monthly checkups and procedures. I learned how to give her the dyalisis at home and it was a nightmare so she switched to going to the clinic to have it done. I am going through a breakup bcuz of it. Im limited on my income bcuz I lost my job unexpectedly before my mom got sick. 2 of my siblings dont help at all. I feel like I let this take a toll on my relationship bcuz I cant show up for her like I was doing before and its not by choice I was trying to balance everything revolving around the caretaking but it hasn't worked out. She just lost her dad a month ago and I understand that changes you bcuz he was like a dad to me (stroke patient). She tells me that I can't show up for her or take her anywhere bcuz im miserable and my mind is everywhere and im in constant worry for my mother. I just want everyone to be good and in good spirits and I feel like having a good heart tends to bite me in the ass sometimes but its all I know and thats how I was raised. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks I feel like we got close bcuz we were dealing with similar situations prior to the breakup. All of this has taken a toll on my mental health bcuz I feel like a shitty son for wanting more for myself but right now its not possible for me. I am the type of person to give someone the shirt off my back if that makes sense. Today I was helping my mother into the house and my sweet elderly neighbor asked me if I was ok at least I think she was asking that shes Polish so kind of a language barrier but I just found that odd but in a good way. I just feel so guilty and confused about everything.