u/Grand-Net-5294

I recently (well, if you call october recently) started scratching and cutting myself. It stopped for a while, but now i started again and i really need to vent anonymously.

I had some time to think, and tbh, i think i started way earlier than this autumn. I have always picked at my nails and around them, (maybe even before kindergarten) but I wanted to stop last year bc i saw a lot of girls my age or even younger with beautiful nails and hands and I really wanted to have that. On the course of a year or two i started gradually minimizing the amount of time i was picking at them, and i was really proud.

I think i have some form of anxiety. It's not diagnosed, but I have never ever had a friend, and every time im put in a social situation i just black out. This year i started high school, and the whole summer i mentally prepared myself to be more social. I was so sure this will be my year and well, i did met a girl that i though may be my first bsf. I wont get into too much detail bc it's pretty humiliating, and in the end the only thing that really matters is the fact that she was the type to act nice to my face, ask some personal questions, and then go and gossip behind my back.

So as i said, i stopped picking at my nails, but instead i started scratching my forearm. It calmed me down whenever that girl disappointed me. And everything was going good. I wore long sleeve most of the time and even when i didn't nobody in class asked me any questions. As the months went by, i started going deeper. Without realizing, ofc, bc this was more of a habit i developed to keep my hands busy, i didn't actually enjoy the pain that much. And i also stopped being so careful. Enough so that my parents saw my scratches, and they did asked me questions. I dont think it went through their head that i could do those to myself, but they were pretty worried nonetheless.

I really, really , hated their attention so I stopped doing it.

And, again, it was going sooo good. I stopped talking with that girl and pretty much with everybody in that classroom. I started learning for a biology competiotion (im still pretty proud of that, i was no 4 in my county, even though i started studying really late and completely on my own). I'll admit that i was pretty lonely, but it was a loneliness i was familliar with and it was actually peaceful for the first time this year.

That is, until a few days ago, when i got into an argument with my parents. I was crying uncontrollably and went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing myself so so much. Without really thinking, i took my razor and made 2 cuts on my thigh while mentally yelling at myself "you arent normal" "why cant you be normal" "what is wrong with your head" "there is spmething seriously wrong with you" "is there anybody that actually cares about you?"

I watched my blood pour down my thigh and that somehow calmed me down. I put the razor down and showered as if nothing happned. At the moment i didn't even feel a thing, even when i came into contact with water. Later that night i promised myself that this is going to be the last time i ever do something like that. The cuts weren't deep but i still felt as if i crossed the line.

Yesterday i cut myself again. I was a bit spiraling the whole morning bc of some staff happening at school. It wasn’t even something major, just some decisions i had to make at the time, but im really bad at making those, so I took the razor and cut my thigh again, 3 times this time and a lot deeper.

It hurt so bad this time, i have no idea how nobody saw i was limping. I didn't really feel anything (emotionally) yesterday. I was a bit fascinated with my cuts actually. I kept staring at them and at the napkin i puted so my blood didn't transfer to my pants.

But this morning i woke up with blood soaked pajamas and i was hit with regret amd embarrassment and most importantly, disgust.

I went on this sub for the first time today. I thought i might get some helpful tips at how to stop or cope with sh. I was a bit weirded out when i found ppl saying they are doing it proudly when i cant even look at myself in the mirror without tears forming in the corner of my eyes. Each to their own ig.

Can somebody tell me some horror stories about personal experiences or something? I saw some photos of scars ppl have after cutting themselves for mutiple years and those scared the living shit out of me, so much so that I dont want to see something like that ever again.

I really, never ever, want to cut myself ever again.

So i just started this book and i just entered the 2nd half, and even though kayde and gaz are a little cringe from time to time, they are mad cute and i would even say perfect for each other.

But the thing i still do not get is how they got together, because when they met, from kayde perspective, gaz was literally going to commit sexual assault and then a few days later he entered his place with a freaking rape drug, so from his pov gaz is a rapist in the most literally sense. And it just seems weird bc not even until now, where they already are in an established relationship, they didn't really talked about it. Gaz still didn't told him that he wanted to take a stupid picture of yulian and then get the fuck out of there

And also, what's up with everybody having aspd disorder? Like i really like gareths narcissism, it's funny and gives him a lot of deph, but i really dont see him on the spectrum or being incapable of having emotions. My boy seemed to have too many, even if he was lacking at the ability to express them.

So after i read god of malice i realized that some characters in this series just piss me off, so i decided not to read their books. Recently i finished god of fury and i didn't only fall in love with bran and nikos relationship, but also bran and lans.

Now im thinking about reading his book just to get some more info about their dynamics, but i wonder if it's worth it, considering that it's going to be more about lan and mia, 2 characters that i dont really care about that much.