u/Grand_Sea_9159

i read something here that i could swear was you. i need to clarify something: i am a person who has experienced breaks with reality. i am constantly in a state of questioning if my perception of events is even real. i think that might be paramount to keep in mind when trying to make sense of my behavior. without hearing it directly from you, i will assume i’m being delusional. i can be paranoid and obsessive, and this situation has hurt me a lot, so i have to err on the side of caution for my own sanity. i mean that very literally. i don’t know how much you pick up on, though i try to be as forthcoming as i can.

i know i can be harsh and mean at times, and i'm sure it's confusing from your perspective. i struggle with anger a lot, not just with this situation. there's a lot more to be said about that, but not here.

and even writing this, i feel ridiculous, because yeah, you’ve given me no indication of your interest other than what i was assuming based on your behavior. and that assumption ended up hurting me a lot last year. of course, there were some other factors involved which made it worse for me personally back then, but i’m cautious of repeating past mistakes.

i need you to know that i forgive you for any and all of it, but i’m also not going to reach out. if and when you’re ready to talk to me, i want you to do that. i want to figure this out together if that’s also what you want. and there's pretty much no world where being just friends wouldn’t hurt me (or make me act insane) at this point, and that’ll be true for a long time. that’s why i need it to come from you.

i’ve made it really clear to you how important you are to me, and how important our friendship has always been long before things got complicated. and i’d love to gush about it, honestly. if that really was you, which i’m cautiously hopeful (for now) that it was, take your time working through things. i’m not going anywhere. i’m sorry if i made you question that.

also, if you need a friend, just to talk, i’m still here for you. just want to make sure you know that. my feelings won’t ever prevent me from being there for you in times of crisis.

i’ll inevitably delete this post in a couple days. i miss you terribly.

i really hesitate to say anything with finality regarding us because my feelings shift almost on the daily. but i think i’m accepting that the friendship is over. we will never get back to the way things used to be.

maybe i sort of set myself up to get hurt. still, i don’t regret it. i learned a lot and it was good life experience for me. i’m frustrated with myself because i know if you came back wanting to give it a genuine shot, i’d probably say yes. more like definitely lol. not because you deserve another chance with me, but because i deserve to experience love. and if it’s not you, i don’t know. not a heartfelt way to put it, but the rejection has killed any interest i had in further dissecting my devotion to you.

i’d apologize for my feelings ruining our friendship but. it just is what it is. to me, romantic feelings were always inevitable, even when i was in serious denial about it. i thought if we ever went there, it would mean something to both of us. idk, i thought a lot of things. all i can do is hope that if you want to talk, about anything at all, you’ll tell me. because i’m not going to be reaching out to you again for a very long time. if ever.

ps. you probably know but i love you. unconditionally