u/Grand_Solution4814

I am 20F turning 21 this November, my mom is 40. Meaning she had me pretty young, she met my dad in high school and they got married shortly after. They divorced once I was born and she’s pretty much been a single parent since. I had a step father but he was suffering with extreme ptsd and alcoholism which caused him to be verbally abusive and always made me very uncomfortable. As far as I remember and probably since I was 14 (technically. I’ll get more into it) my mom was heavily addicted to pain killers. Looking back at my childhood it really was just me most of the time due to her either being at work or being “asleep”. I also rarely ever was punished or lectured which caused me to rebel and get into my own bad habits.
By the age of 14 I was doing drugs, vaping, drinking, having sex with grown men and I really never faced any consequences for any of it. At one point I almost dropped out of school and she kinda just let me do it. On top of her addiction we have always had money problems which made us almost always have a random roommate, who was almost always also on drugs and almost always made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Fast forward to present day she’s technically no longer on painkillers but she has been taking suboxone for years to “treat her addiction” except she has not lowered her dose and she still takes it by the nose. I still live with her as it’s the cheapest option for me atm but I realize how difficult it is to be around her. I don’t really respect her and I have distaste towards her. I see my boyfriend with his mom and how he turned out and I just get so jealous. My mom wasn’t a mean mom, she never hit me, we’ve had hundreds of great memories and I know I should be grateful for those parts. Except I just can’t. I feel like I deserved more, and now that I’m grown up and know it’ll never be that way I just get mad. I have quit most of my addictions (vaping, unsafe sex, alcohol, drugs) the only thing I do now is smoke weed (which I have a goal to quit after a festival I’m going to next month) and she’s still in the same place she’s been for years.
She got mad at me for not saying anything on Mother’s Day, I guess I didn’t straight up tell her “happy Mother’s Day” and I didn’t even realize. The day before I had asked if she wanted to go see a movie since I got off early, she declined and said she took some pm Advil for a headache so she’d be asleep. The day of Mother’s Day I offered to take her out to eat and she said no and that she already ate. So I got myself food and went to sleep. She then woke me up at 5am to ask me for 5 bucks for a pack a cigarettes, I told her I did not have any cash. She said “where’s your piggy bank I’ll just take your change.” I didn’t answer and she left without taking anything that I know of. But the next day I get a call from my grandpa saying she was upset with me because I didn’t wish her happy Mother’s Day or get her anything. And all I can feel or think is just how pathetic of a mom i have. I couldn’t tell you the last time I have asked her for money, maybe middle school? And this is just a regular day for me now, I’ve given her over 5k since I was abt 16. I guess this was really just a vent and I don’t really have any real question. To anyone who went through anything similar I would love any advice. I possibly may cut ties once I’m able to move out but I also feel like she doesn’t deserve full no contact I just need her not to depend on me like she has always.

I am 20F turning 21 this November, my mom is 40. Meaning she had me pretty young, she met my dad in high school and they got married shortly after. They divorced once I was born and she’s pretty much been a single parent since. I had a step father but he was suffering with extreme ptsd and alcoholism which caused him to be verbally abusive and always made me very uncomfortable. As far as I remember and probably since I was 14 (technically. I’ll get more into it) my mom was heavily addicted to pain killers. Looking back at my childhood it really was just me most of the time due to her either being at work or being “asleep”. I also rarely ever was punished or lectured which caused me to rebel and get into my own bad habits.
By the age of 14 I was doing drugs, vaping, drinking, having sex with grown men and I really never faced any consequences for any of it. At one point I almost dropped out of school and she kinda just let me do it. On top of her addiction we have always had money problems which made us almost always have a random roommate, who was almost always also on drugs and almost always made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Fast forward to present day she’s technically no longer on painkillers but she has been taking suboxone for years to “treat her addiction” except she has not lowered her dose and she still takes it by the nose. I still live with her as it’s the cheapest option for me atm but I realize how difficult it is to be around her. I don’t really respect her and I have distaste towards her. I see my boyfriend with his mom and how he turned out and I just get so jealous. My mom wasn’t a mean mom, she never hit me, we’ve had hundreds of great memories and I know I should be grateful for those parts. Except I just can’t. I feel like I deserved more, and now that I’m grown up and know it’ll never be that way I just get mad. I have quit most of my addictions (vaping, unsafe sex, alcohol, drugs) the only thing I do now is smoke weed (which I have a goal to quit after a festival I’m going to next month) and she’s still in the same place she’s been for years.
She got mad at me for not saying anything on Mother’s Day, I guess I didn’t straight up tell her “happy Mother’s Day” and I didn’t even realize. The day before I had asked if she wanted to go see a movie since I got off early, she declined and said she took some pm Advil for a headache so she’d be asleep. The day of Mother’s Day I offered to take her out to eat and she said no and that she already ate. So I got myself food and went to sleep. She then woke me up at 5am to ask me for 5 bucks for a pack a cigarettes, I told her I did not have any cash. She said “where’s your piggy bank I’ll just take your change.” I didn’t answer and she left without taking anything that I know of. But the next day I get a call from my grandpa saying she was upset with me because I didn’t wish her happy Mother’s Day or get her anything. And all I can feel or think is just how pathetic of a mom i have. I couldn’t tell you the last time I have asked her for money, maybe middle school? And this is just a regular day for me now, I’ve given her over 5k since I was abt 16. I guess this was really just a vent and I don’t really have any real question. To anyone who went through anything similar I would love any advice. I possibly may cut ties once I’m able to move out but I also feel like she doesn’t deserve full no contact I just need her not to depend on me like she has always.