u/GravityKeepsMeDown

I need outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind a little.

I (28M) have been extremely close with my best friend, A (26NB) for about 7 years. We’ve been through a lot together: bad living situations, mental health spirals, breakups, huge life changes, family stuff, all of it. There have been points where we had romantic feelings for each other at different times, but it never turned into anything, we are not together, and that avenue is dead.

For years, A and I talked about moving to the same city and living together. That plan became one of the only things I had to look forward to during a really awful stretch of my life. I put a lot into making it happen. I paused my own dating/social life, moved to a bigger city to make the next step possible, spent a ton of time researching apartments and logistics, handled a lot of the planning, signed onto the lease, took on a big chunk of the actual move, and spent a lot of money getting us both here.

I’m not saying that means A owes me control over their life. I know they don’t. But emotionally and practically, this move was a massive investment for me.

Before A and I moved in together, I was extremely clear that I did not want to live with a couple. I have done that before and I hated it. I hated feeling like a third wheel in my own home, feeling like I was in the way, dodging around their need for privacy, and dealing with the weird resentment that builds when everyone is trying to pretend the dynamic isn’t happening.

As we were planning the move, A started seeing B (24M) in a friends-with-benefits situation. At the time, A assured me they were not dating and their was a time limit on their relationship - it would end by the move. Then, by the time we actually moved, A and B had decided to keep the relationship going. By that point, I was already deeply financially, emotionally, and logistically invested in the move, so backing out did not feel realistic anymore. The relationship situation changed in a way that directly affected the living arrangement I thought I was signing up for.

B lives a few hours away. Because of all of that, A and I talked a lot before moving in about boundaries around B visiting. The agreement, as I understood it, was that B would visit every other weekend, for less than four days, with a heads-up about the visit ahead of time, and no sexual activity in common/shared areas.

This past week was B’s first real visit after we moved in, and it felt like all of those agreements went out the window immediately.

Instead of a weekend visit, B was here for an entire workweek. An extra day was added without really asking whether I was okay with it. There was also enough sexual/romantic activity happening in the living room/common areas that I felt like I had to keep earbuds in almost any time I was home to either give them privacy or avoid hearing things. I felt deeply uncomfortable in my own apartment.

I also felt really unwelcome around B. I know some of that might be my anxiety and emotional reaction, but there were looks, timing, and energy shifts when I entered shared spaces that made me feel like I was intruding just by existing there. Whether that was intentional or not, it created the exact dynamic I was afraid of: feeling like I had accidentally moved in with a couple despite being very clear that I did not want that.

This hit me way harder than I expected. I got extremely emotionally overwhelmed, had trouble eating, felt physically sick and dizzy, and started spiraling about whether the friendship was already changing beyond repair. I know some of that is mine to manage. I know that while not romatically based, I still have jealousy and abandonment fears tangled up in this. I am not pretending I’m totally objective here.

But independent of my emotional reaction, the actual roommate agreements were not followed. That is the part I keep coming back to. I trusted A to uphold those boundaries, especially this early into living together, and instead I feel like I got put in a position where I either bring it up and create tension, or stay quiet and let resentment build.

I want to have a serious conversation with A before B comes back. I don’t want to attack their relationship. I don’t want to make A feel like they have to choose between us. But I do need the apartment to feel livable for me too.

How do I bring this up in a way that is fair but firm? How do I separate my own jealousy/emotional spiral from the actual boundary violations? And is this salvageable, or is this a sign that living together was a mistake?

I need outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind a little.

I (28M) have been extremely close with my best friend, A (26NB) for about 7 years. We’ve been through a lot together: bad living situations, mental health spirals, breakups, huge life changes, family stuff, all of it. There have been points where we had romantic feelings for each other at different times, but it never turned into anything, we are not together, and that avenue is dead.

For years, A and I talked about moving to the same city and living together. That plan became one of the only things I had to look forward to during a really awful stretch of my life. I put a lot into making it happen. I paused my own dating/social life, moved to a bigger city to make the next step possible, spent a ton of time researching apartments and logistics, handled a lot of the planning, signed onto the lease, took on a big chunk of the actual move, and spent a lot of money getting us both here.

I’m not saying that means A owes me control over their life. I know they don’t. But emotionally and practically, this move was a massive investment for me.

Before A and I moved in together, I was extremely clear that I did not want to live with a couple. I have done that before and I hated it. I hated feeling like a third wheel in my own home, feeling like I was in the way, dodging around their need for privacy, and dealing with the weird resentment that builds when everyone is trying to pretend the dynamic isn’t happening.

As we were planning the move, A started seeing B (24M) in a friends-with-benefits situation. At the time, A assured me they were not dating and their was a time limit on their relationship - it would end by the move. Then, by the time we actually moved, A and B had decided to keep the relationship going. By that point, I was already deeply financially, emotionally, and logistically invested in the move, so backing out did not feel realistic anymore. The relationship situation changed in a way that directly affected the living arrangement I thought I was signing up for.

B lives a few hours away. Because of all of that, A and I talked a lot before moving in about boundaries around B visiting. The agreement, as I understood it, was that B would visit every other weekend, for less than four days, with a heads-up about the visit ahead of time, and no sexual activity in common/shared areas.

This past week was B’s first real visit after we moved in, and it felt like all of those agreements went out the window immediately.

Instead of a weekend visit, B was here for an entire workweek. An extra day was added without really asking whether I was okay with it. There was also enough sexual/romantic activity happening in the living room/common areas that I felt like I had to keep earbuds in almost any time I was home to either give them privacy or avoid hearing things. I felt deeply uncomfortable in my own apartment.

I also felt really unwelcome around B. I know some of that might be my anxiety and emotional reaction, but there were looks, timing, and energy shifts when I entered shared spaces that made me feel like I was intruding just by existing there. Whether that was intentional or not, it created the exact dynamic I was afraid of: feeling like I had accidentally moved in with a couple despite being very clear that I did not want that.

This hit me way harder than I expected. I got extremely emotionally overwhelmed, had trouble eating, felt physically sick and dizzy, and started spiraling about whether the friendship was already changing beyond repair. I know some of that is mine to manage. I know that while not romatically based, I still have jealousy and abandonment fears tangled up in this. I am not pretending I’m totally objective here.

But independent of my emotional reaction, the actual roommate agreements were not followed. That is the part I keep coming back to. I trusted A to uphold those boundaries, especially this early into living together, and instead I feel like I got put in a position where I either bring it up and create tension, or stay quiet and let resentment build.

I want to have a serious conversation with A before B comes back. I don’t want to attack their relationship. I don’t want to make A feel like they have to choose between us. But I do need the apartment to feel livable for me too.

How do I bring this up in a way that is fair but firm? How do I separate my own jealousy/emotional spiral from the actual boundary violations? And is this salvageable, or is this a sign that living together was a mistake?