u/Great_War_3409

My mother watched my brother physically abuse me for years growing up and constantly blamed me for it instead of protecting me. He would hit, punch, kick, throw things at me, threaten me with knives, and attack me regularly, yet my mother would ask what I did to “trigger” him. The last time he beat me up, I was 21 and begging my mother to help me while she stood there and told me, “You shouldn’t have spoken badly about your brother.”

Over the years, my mother has continued to emotionally manipulate me, rewrite history, punish me when I set boundaries, and refuse accountability for anything that happened. I eventually removed myself from my toxic family after having my son because I realized I needed to break this cycle. My mother’s own mother treated her terribly, and instead of healing from it, she continued the same behavior with me. I look at my son and truly cannot imagine ever treating him this way.

Now my abusive brother is getting married. My mother purposely hid his engagement from me to punish me for distancing myself from the family, and the entire situation has reopened a lot of wounds. Part of me feels guilty and conflicted about not attending the wedding, while another part of me feels like going would betray my own healing and boundaries.

At this point, I genuinely don’t know what the right decision is. Should I go to the wedding or continue protecting my peace and keep my distance?

Very long story short, I’m the eldest of four kids - one girl and three boys. In 2008, when my youngest brother was born, my second brother was 7 years old. Around that time, he began acting out and became physically abusive toward everyone, especially me. He would hit, punch, kick, throw heavy toys, and run around the house with knives threatening to kill me on a daily basis.

His behavior only got worse over the years, all the way until I left home and got married in 2017 at 21 years old. My mother was an awful parent in this situation. Instead of dealing with his behavior head-on and making sure he got help or stopped being abusive, she became afraid of him, especially as he got older, taller, and stronger. He mistreated her as well.

Because she was afraid of triggering him, she constantly blamed me whenever there was conflict. Instead of protecting me, she would ask me what I did to make him angry or “cause” him to beat me. This went on for years. On top of that, she was also extremely controlling over me throughout my life.

The last time my brother physically assaulted me, I was 21 and he was 15. We had argued about something - I honestly don’t even remember what anymore. I went into my room and called my fiancé to talk about it. My mother came into my room and loudly said, “Why are you talking badly about your brother?” That immediately triggered him. He stormed into my room and started beating me - punching and kicking me. By then, he was already taller and stronger than me because he trained in karate.

While he was attacking me, I was trying to get away and begged my mother to help me. I will never forget her looking me directly in the eyes and saying, “You shouldn’t have spoken badly about your brother.” In that moment, I realized I would never truly be safe with her and that I could never trust her to protect me.

Fast forward to now - over the years, my mother has done many deeply hurtful things, but the final straw happened on August 31, 2025, the day before my 1st brother’s wedding. We all went out to a restaurant to celebrate, and I was pregnant at the time. My mother became furious because I changed my hair appointment plans and wasn’t going with her anymore. She got so angry that she threw me and my husband out of the restaurant.

The bigger issue for her was that my husband no longer allowed her to mistreat me the way she had for years. He defended me and held her accountable, and she hated that someone was finally standing up for me.

Months later, as I got closer to my due date, we decided to try therapy. The only reason I agreed was because I was pregnant and wanted to see if there was any possibility of creating a healthier relationship for the sake of my son. I never wanted to use my child as a tool or keep him from family unnecessarily.

However, after I gave birth, my mother stopped attending therapy without even telling me (I had to learn through the therapist we both were seeing). After that, the verbal and emotional abuse continued exactly the same.

There are honestly too many incidents and details to fit into one message, but fast forward to now: I’ve essentially removed myself from my toxic family for the sake of my mental health, my husband’s mental health, and my son’s wellbeing. Being the one to walk away and break a toxic cycle has been incredibly painful and difficult, but deep down I know it’s the right thing to do.

What makes this even harder is that my mother’s own mother treated her terribly growing up, and instead of healing from it, she continued the cycle with me - honestly, in many ways, even worse. That is a huge reason why I feel so strongly about stopping this cycle now. I look at my son and any future children I may have, and I truly cannot imagine ever treating them the way I was treated. I would never want my children to grow up feeling unsafe, blamed, emotionally manipulated, or unloved the way I did.

In my own personal opinion, I genuinely believe my mother may have some kind of personality disorder. She goes from doing extremely hurtful things - throwing things in my face, punishing me, excluding me, and rewriting history - to suddenly becoming desperate to “fix” things.

For example, she purposely never told me that my abusive brother got engaged. I found out through my cousin. When I confronted her about it, she told me, “Well, you shouldn’t have left the family group. That’s what happens when you leave the family.” It was clearly done to punish me.

She never truly apologizes or takes accountability for anything she does. Instead, she minimizes everything that happened to me, downplays the abuse, and tries to rewrite history entirely. Then, when I distance myself, she suddenly floods me with messages saying she wants to repair the relationship and that she’s “tried everything.”

At this point, I feel emotionally exhausted because we’ve tried conversations, therapy, explanations, and second chances, yet nothing actually changes. I’m struggling with how to deal with a toxic mother like this while also protecting my own peace and my family.