u/Great_idea_fellow

hey all,

gif, ever evolving person in recovery

Recently at the gift of clarity from my sponsee I've been pondering a lot about the use of derogatory language.

In my professional spaces I've evolved to use person first language. Keep the focus on the behavior and my side of the street and avoid labeling the other people.

This was and is being exasperated by one of my sponsee who has been feeling unsafe in SAA meeting when people use derogatory language to describe sex workers and their behaviors.

As you some of you know I am one of the mods here and have had people raise concerns about my request to be mindful of language.

Here is my perspective. Derogatory language has been used to dehumanize people to justify and rationalize abuse. Out of consideration for our minor attracted fellows we do not use the p word. Out of concern for people who pay for access to other peoples bodies with dont use the other fin. p*g word.

Why should we allow people to use derogatory labels for sex workers ? I dont think it's fair. Its also something various of my sponsees express make them feel uncomfortable in meetings especially taking ownership of how difficult it is staying sober at the idea of being paid to act out.

Sex addiction takes many forms. For those who act out with people it can be the compulsions to pay for access to a person who would not have allowed you to touch them otherwise. I.e the person who purchased sex. Or it can be the sick and suffering addict struggling to stay sober who caved to the idea of letting someone outside of their attraction spectrum touch them in exchange for something they needed.

Language has power. I welcome you to comment if you disagree and let's have a conversation

hey all,

gif grateful sex addict in recovery.

I am feeling rather annoyed, agitated and frustrated. So I wanted to label the emotion.

I've been a mod here for a couple of years. This space has been cathartic for me after ending my 2nd marriage when they moved on to someone who has way more money than me along with close to $10,000 of money, tools and resources from my business. I own i am salty. I wake up angry every day. I am powerless over broken people and take responsibility for allowing them to rob me as I existed in the fog of my disease.

one thing which sets me off is injured partners and their lying entitlement.

This is how most of the harm was done in this last relationship. I would ask for affection they would ask me to support them buying something expensive...My loved ones saw the transactional nature of that relationship.

I believed wrongfully that I could buy love so if I kept buying their affection they would allow me access to their body. Access which ended when I ran out of money.

Fast foward to this morning

I check the sub every morning as part of my daily commitment to center sobriety in my day.

Recently I've come across some broken injured partners that well sound like my x and get really aggressive when we set boundaries about their contribution.

Today I banned a person who has something like 33 comment/post removals on our sub.

their comment

This group is ridiculous. As I've already explained to the moderators, I am a recovering sexual addict whose ex partner can't recover. We aren't allowed to discuss a single thing in this group. What is the actual point of this group.

help me find empathy and clarity

my sexual sobriety has nothing to do with the fact my x continues to sell access to their body. Am I resentful that I was bamboozled. absolutely

Yet their recovery doesn't have anything to do with me

This op (person who made the comment) has consistently made comments blaming sex addicts seeking support, demeaning comments of sheer sincerity that to me sound very much like I did in early recovery. Worse off she compares all of us to her x not herself. This was my first flag. She never identifies with any of us only how we remind her of her x

Personally I'm offended my emotional connection my x also felt because they were not sex addicts that my addiction and recovery needed to look they way they thought it should be and well as I've learned in my journey no 2 people recover the same. Nor can an injured partner not be bias in their "ideas"

i know how hard it is to stop unwanted behavior. Being told to stop never once worked for me. Threats, demands, talking down even less. As an addict in these closed addicts space i resonate with the idea I talk to each of you as I had hoped someone spoke to me. Its difficult to own my behaviors and being shamed never helped me.

so did i take it too personal ? Probably, but whoa the amount of lying this op engaged in with the mods makes me want to scream.

how do you or how would you manage broken injured partners that refuse to honor boundaries in addict only recovery spaces?

Hey all,

As important in our in person fellowship groups we the mods believe regular inventory of our sub keeps the shared virtual space safe for each and every sex addict.

Recently we have found clarity that the leading reason the volunteer mods need to moderate a post is people pass the auto mod rule preventing posting age and gender.

We welcome comments below on the issue and will have this poll open for you to submit your vote.

in solidarity,

r/sexAA mod teams

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