u/GrizzlyOne95

This is currently happening in my marriage of 9 years and it is causing all sorts of problems. Catholic marriage prep didn't do us any good for preparing for actual marriage.

• NFP was supposed to be a joyous thing that brings us closer together, and isn't actually that hard.
• You can't decide or even talk about how many kids you want because that is a "contraceptive mindset" and you must be open to God's will. Subsequently, we never even discussed kids because the assumption was just "have as many as God wants".
• We also just assumed all the Catholic things would carry forward, basically zero discussion on our beliefs and if they actually made sense.
• Zero talk about sex and how to handle challenges with it and Catholic ethics.

Both of us grew up in extreme traditional Catholic homes, with some things I'd consider abusive for sure. We've had some serious religious trauma that I won't get into.

All that to say we've ended up basically on opposite sides of the spectrum. She's grown even tighter in her beliefs, because it still feels really important to her and brings a lot of comfort and stability. Basically, she's very content with the faith itself despite the countless ways its been used to cause harm.

There's lots of ways this causes conflict in our marriage but a big one is of course, sex. Catholic sexual ethics (basically every act must be possible to create a child) and NFP is a brutal combination, especially with someone who's cycles are all over the place and we've had two children unintentionally already due to a window being longer than anticipated. It basically means a week and a half a month we could maybe do things if she's in the mood, rest of the time everything is forbidden.

Honestly I'm considering getting a vasectomy and being done with it. She'd probably resent me forever, but I don't know if I want to have more children amidst this dysfunction.

This always gets to me a bit. Literally anything can be hand waived away by "that person didn't follow the teachings correctly" including systemic abuse and whatnot. "The actual Catholic teachings are good." "The Church is a hospital for sinners, etc. "

I'm looking for honest input on what I can do better to work on our relationship, as I've struggled with this addiction since I was about 12.

• I have been upfront and honest about my struggles, telling them after we started dating so they could be fully informed.
• At their request, I've confessed directly to them when I've given in to it at specific times. Despite it causing fights every time.
• My partner is religious, and I'm fallen away from it now. But when I was still active, I talked to priests and prayed a lot, trying to work on it.
• I attended years of therapy ranging from personal therapy to EMDR.
• I took an addiction course specifically targeted at this issue, by a licensed counselor.
• We've been in couples and personal therapy for some time.
• I was clean for over a year, but our relationship or intimate life has not improved at all.
• I understand how painful this can be to my partner. To me, it feels like a stress relief or coping mechanism, and typically only when my partner is unavailable or doesn't want me physically. I always would choose my partner if I could.
• The situation is a bit complicated by the fact my partner is religious and we can't use contraception and must abstain regularly due to irregular cycles and NFP. We've had multiple children unintentionally due to NFP failure or confusion.

What are some ways I can actually help my partner heal or understand I truly love and want them? It feels like my efforts have not really been seen and we're still stuck in the same place. This makes it harder to stay clean. It feels like I'm always doomed to be stuck in a place where they never trust my intentions or desire for them, no matter what I do to try and make up for it.