Found old messages from my bf to his friends about me 2 years later. (TW sh and mental illness)
TLDR bf cheated twice with ex and i just found messages from 2 years ago of him absolutely destroying me to the ex and a friend. I think I’m overreacting with how severely I’m affected.
I (18 trans ftm) found messages from my bf (18 m) of 7 months to his friends yesterday. One being his ex. Talking about how I was mentally unwell and crazy but hot enough. He asked friend A smash or pass on me as well as said "Game is infact game and she doesn't look too bad. Actually pretty good for the area I'm in" and his friend said "she looks like the epitome of a white girl with daddy's money". (At this time I was homeless with my mother while she was dying from a disease eating her lungs) This was before we dated and were friends but flirting. He was dating friend B at the time but broke things off and asked me out. I knew nothing about his relationship. I drew NSFW of our characters together which he laughed about and never once told me to stop. I have autism spectrum disorder and struggle badly with jokes and tones. He’s very up front. Never once did he complain about the drawings. But he sent them to Friend B saying how he wanted to swing on me and let him call me disgusting things. Letting them and himself misgender me despite knowing the full 4 years of our friendship that I’m trans and present fairly masculine.
This was all on discord. In 2024 October we got together and broke up February of 2025. We got back together this past October after summer. I’d had another relationship where it ended because she said I was too suicidal and ghosted me. I didn’t know he dated Friend B again till a few months in and he said it wasn’t serious. Then I found him cheated on me emotionally with friend B and talking horribly about me to both friends.
I’m almost 3 months clean of Self Harm (8 years and recently hospitalized from a suicide attempt) and recovery feels so hard right now. I Love this guy. We’ve talked about marriage and we’ve helped each other through so much. He said I was overreacting when I found the messages and cried till I was sick and drank till I was dizzy and sick. Every moment I see him I remember everything said about me. Every comment on my body and how deranged and sick I am. Claiming I intimately abused him when we were mutually intimate and verbalized consent so his ex (friend B) would insult me and talk about how disgusting of a person I am. While drawing photos of their OCs having intimacy.
Am I overreacting? I don’t know how to stop blaming myself and feel normal. Every moment alone since I’ve thought about taking my own life. I think he’d be better with his ex if I was dead. He cheated twice in both relationships with the same guy and cussed at me, hit me, and blocked me multiple times in the start of our second go because of his lasting feelings for his ex. I might be overreacting with my severe reaction wanting to take my life. He said it was 2 years ago and everyone’s forgotten about it by now. But I just found it and I’m distraught. It’s new to me. Am I overreacting and it’s not that big of a deal? I don’t know what to do with myself. I blame myself and I can’t leave him. I won’t.
Tried AIO because I really think I’m overthinking it because it was a long time ago and I don’t process things right.