u/GroundCharming8492

I 19F recently found my mothers reddit page and discovered she’s read through my entire diary and looked through my phone many times throughout my life. I found out a little over a week ago and I feel violated all the time. 

It’s also brought back a lot of other memories of her violating my space and coming into my room while I was changing just to stare at my boobs before pointing out the size of my boobs (for the millionth time) or how I should really shave because I look disgusting with all that pubic hair. I am so constantly disappointed by her and I’ve been living out of our home country for a year so I haven't seen her a lot. All of the hurt is just coming back and I don’t know how to manage it. I feel stuck. 

 I've talked to some therapists who have told me that I need to choose “clean pain” (hurting my mom and is relationship which will ultimately make me feel more solid) over “dirty pain”(hurting myself by constantly bending over backwards for someone who's hurt me my whole life) meaning that for about a year and a half I’ve been trying to just go with the flow and keep myself as emotionally distant as possible and also still pleasant. Its not easy- so:  

Any advice on how to stop feeling so intensely about all of this? I don't want to hurt her or escalate the situation. I just want to be able to breathe and let go especially because I'm away from her right now.

I, 19F, am living away from home for the first time, since August. I was searching something kind of niche about an area I used to live around and the 3rd or 4th result down I knew instantly that it was my mom posting a question.

I have since looked through every single on of her posts (currently up and deleted) and hundreds of comments. About half of which are about me, her, and our relationship from the past 4 years. I don’t regret it. She often gives personal details about my life and our relationship to the internet which I was obviously not aware of. This includes that, unbeknownst to me, she's looked both through my entire phone and diary. I write in my diary a lot. like almost every day for years. My mom, as recent as july, talked about my diary and how she never would have known that I was molested if she hadn’t read it, or other very personal things I've never told her. She’s never confronted me about any of this. She is under the impression that we are close and our “rough patch” (starting when I was 13 and worsening until 17) is over and we are okay now. We at one point had a family therapist. The therapist asked to have a session with me alone in which she said I had to choose over living life for my mom or living life for myself. Since, Ive tried my best to just emotionally distance myself from our relationship and go with the flow for my family as a whole. That being said and done its not always possible and her comments sometimes set me over the edge even when they’re mild, just because of the way ive been effected by our relationship throughout my life. Ive had two therapists talk to me about emotional immaturity when it comes to my mom, as well as a little but about emotional incest as in, she emotionally expects me to fulfill the role of husband instead of daughter. Like she needs to rely on me as if I'm her romantic partner.

She's a single mother with a full time job and currently my 9 year old sister at home. Idk I just needed to put this somewhere and why not online if she's going to look through all of my stuff regardless of how many boundaries I try to set up between us.