Feeling betrayed and alone after friend called emergency services on me
This only happened last night and I am really in need of some community support and to vent.
I have dealt with mostly passive suicidal ideation since I was 15. It’s been about 12 years of trying to cope with these feelings on and off. I tend to get really triggered in close interpersonal relationships. I’ve been working hard for the past two years in therapy to widen my window of tolerance and cope better emotionally around my menstrual cycle.
I have a really close friend that I have felt safe enough to open up to about feeling suicidal over the years, and he has always been very supportive, even when he doesn’t experience those feelings himself.
Last night was different though. I could not regulate or shake whatever had triggered me. I’m still not even sure what caused such a chaotic sequence of events to transpire, but I ended up purchasing blades at a local store and driving out to the beachside to be alone. I’ve always been “in control” during suicidal ideation and I’ve always never been able to bring myself to even self harm let alone take my own life. I bought the blades as somewhat of a safety blanket. Last night I was on the phone to my friend trying to express my overwhelming suicidal thoughts. I was in a very heightened state so I was not communicating properly and I had said several times that I wanted to take my life and that I had blades etc.
At one point I hung up on my friend out of intense overwhelm to try to calm myself and he got so worried that he called the police on me. The police went to where I lived first to ask my parents where I was. This really worried my parents, and has also extremely humiliated me as I’m not close with them and don’t tell them the ins and outs of my mental health. They know I go to therapy and that’s it.
The police ended up finding me and there were about 6 or 7 officers. I felt so scared and overwhelmed. They were nice enough, but I had no idea what was going to happen. In the end, they thought I was a risk to myself, despite me telling them I had no intention to use the blades, and they detained me and transported me to the nearest hospital for an emergency evaluation assessment. This has never happened to me before in the history of my mental health journey. I have managed to stay out of hospital this whole time.
I was there for a few hours. Everyone was lovely, but I was so scared and I felt so out of control being held somewhere against my will.
Upon reflection, I understand why my friend did this. But I really never thought he could do that to me because he understood that I wouldn’t be able to cope well with a situation like that. My friend and I have decided to take some space for a few days to refresh and recoup. He said he feels terrible for what happened and he thought the police would have called the ambulance for me and that I wouldn’t have to be detained, escorted in the back of a police van or held at the hospital against my will.
I just feel so heartbroken that my mental health led me down such a scary path. Even despite my best efforts to work on regulating how I’m feeling and being conscious of my moods 24/7. I’m heartbroken that my friend and I are taking space after this as it seems to have fractured our friendship. He is one of my closest friends and someone I would seek support from quite often. We are planning on repairing in about 3 days and I have a therapy appointment booked on the same day we are reconnecting.
I just feel at a loss of words about what happened last night. I’m tired of being mentally ill :(
thank you to anyone who reads this.