u/Guacamolethe1st

I hate myself so much.

I rarely go out, and when I do, I take hours getting ready and trying on a bunch of outfits to feel "pretty" only to step outside, see all these random strangers and realize I'll never compare.

I'm so awkward and I don't know why. I feel like everyone hates me.

I stopped doing everything I liked, reading, painting, journaling, poetry. I now just lay in bed and neglect my uni courses thinking of how lazy and tired I am

I complain about not having a job but I'm not trying to even get one because I'm so scared of expectations and fucking up because of how clumsy I get when I'm anxious. I wish I could just stop existing.

I only have two friends, one keeps flirting with me and making me uncomfortable so I avoid him, the other is my ex's friend, he also flirts and I avoid him too. I'm mentioning this because sometimes, rarely... I want to go out and be a normal teenager. Hang out with friends, see movies, etc and those two consistently ask me to hang out but its exhausting. The thought of getting dressed only to go out and feel exhausted the whole time and being awkward and clumsy again is overwhelming.

It sounds so stupid but in my head, its all intensified.

I havent started with my coursework for an important class and I just cant start. Its like a mental block and the pills arent working. My family doctor is a dismissive sexist man and im scared to go to him for a change in medication because I have MDD, yet the pills I have are mood stabilizer (lamotrigine) that doesn't even help.

I'm so ugly, stupid, disappointing, clumsy, embarrassing, odd. I doubt there is any positive traits about me.

I just feel like an empty plain shell with nothing valuable at all and I'm so scared that no one will love me for this.

I told myself that when summer starts I'll request the med changes, start going out more and focus on my summer course and I havent even done any of those.

All this came crashing down because I went out to get art stuff today and saw a lot of people my age hanging out, being normal and I was walking alone. I even saw my roommate outside. With friends. My brother outside. With friends. All the people around me have friends and I'm just the plain old withering wallflower.

I have so much to do but no energy and motivation to do it and when I tell my dad and older sibling, they tell me to... "just do it" like that's supposed to fucking help. I tried getting into therapy but I applied two months ago and got no response till now.

It feels like all my efforts to be normal are just useless and I'm wasting my time.

I was lonely, always anxious, felt helpless and unloved, so when I found out there is an Almighty God who loves unconditionally and won't judge me, I jumped straight for it.

I was taught as a kid that my nightmares, sleep paralysis and hallucinations, and screaming at night without knowing when I wake up was all spiritual warfare and that demons are attacking me...

I'm studying psychology now and it wasn't a demon after me, it was just my own brain playing tricks on me because of how bad my mental state was. It was just social anxiety, hypervigilance, and severe MDD.

Now I feel guilty because it all felt so real aside from the trauma. I felt loved and peaceful in my quiet bible study sessions and worship sessions. It was the only time my brain would shut up. And my brother would look at me weird because I'd casually be talking to God like He was in the room with me.

"...and then--"

"Who are you talking to?"

....

"Jesus..."

And he'd side eye me and walk away lmao.

I haven't prayed or read my bible in two years and I feel guilty for it. Like I'm abandoning a part of my life that was important to me, but everytime I look at my bible I remember the situations they are associated with (abusive step mom) and just... shut down. Like I want to keep it accessible but don't want to touch it anymore.

Am I making sense? I feel way too much and struggle verbalizing these feelings.

To me, its not about Christianity, it's just about what it got me through, and opening that bible again feels like I'm going back to that house under the care of that woman. She weaponized religion to punish me (what a damn hypocrite) for things she did herself and the same Bible would condemn her for.

I feel like I have to emphasize this: it felt so real—it FEELS so real. Like deep down in my chest I know that there is a higher power out there who has been looking out for me in situations where I was so damn lucky, but then I grow resentment because why do I get the privilege of being "blessed" but children and victims who need it more don't?

I prayed for a burrito once and an hour later my dad ordered us uber eats (a burrito). And then I thought of children in other parts of the world praying to a God for food and safety and to just survive.

And after going grocery shopping with ex step mom from hell (I was forced to come with her because I'm a woman, whatever the hell that means) we would sometimes get a meal. I was underweight and didnt eat much so would save the rest as takeout. Going to the uber home, we passed by this guy who looked my age in dirty clothes begging for food. I wanted to give him mine but the witch (...evil step mom from hell) pulled me away.

I was 16 at the time. A homeless 16 year old.

I journaled and prayed about it that night.

I may have strayed a bit but my point is that it all felt so real. I want to believe. I do believe. But I have begun to resent Him. But I also feelimg guilty for feeling that way.

Ya feel me? I hope I'm making sense here because this just feels stupid. I wish I had people to talk to about this but I don't soooo, thank fuck for reddit.

This is my thesis for the whole post: "I feel like I used religion as a coping mechanism rather than a spiritual belief"

In the post, I'm not pushing my religion on others, I just want to vent or be on a thoughtful sub that allows personal religious experiences. I know its a controversial topic so the subs I found don't allow religion stuff which is fine, but what are safe non judgemental subs that allow it?

I kinda just want a thoughtful conversation on it.