u/Gucciflippflopp66

This will seem like a lot, but I’d want to know what others think about my situation.

Recently, due to a pretty bad emotional breakdown I had where I was honestly inconveniencing everyone involved (especially my boyfriend), I’ve been actively seeking out treatment, diagnosis, therapy, literally anything.

For context, I’m a 19 year old female living in Toronto. Throughout my life, I had adapted and thought of the symptoms I’m going to share are normal. Not only that, but my family was never too keen on getting me any sort of assessments (even though the signs were obvious now that I think of it). After that incident, and gaining a newfound perspective on psychology after taking PSYCH101 (pretty surface-level, I know…), I’ve began to suspect some disorders I may have.

I want to preface this by stating I would hate to be one of those people who claim they have any psychological disorder under the sun in order to fit in, seem different, excuse their actions, etc. My willingness to be assessed comes from my need to be organized, structured, and productive. If I know what’s going on with me, I know how to manage it, because as you will see it’ll be apparent on how these suspicions based off my symptoms have taken over my life. Given my concern though, any sort of reality check would be appreciated.

I had gone out of my way to seek out psychotherapy, and have gone through two sessions with a psychotherapist. This week, I went to the ER for separate reasons but also brought up my concerns over a depressive episode to the doctor and they referred me to a psychiatrist. This is why I’m making this post, to hopefully know what to expect, and make sure I come off as clear as possible to the doctor.

I’m going to list off some of the suspected disorders that may seem like a whole laundry list of attention-seeking. I wish it wasn’t this comprehensive, but that’s truthfully what I’ve been dealing with. I’m going to use terms that would apply to me if I were to be diagnosed.

Major Depressive Disorder
- Episodes lasting over two weeks
- Loss of focus & attention
- Dysfunction (a bad depressive episode made me drop out of my second semester of uni, normally I maintain great grades (first semester was 3.8 gpa in biomedical sciences)
- Irritability
- Feeling empty
- Needing to “focus” to even feel any sort of emotions
- Low libido
- Heightened anxiety
- Disassociation/separation from my own thoughts
- Feeling trapped in my own head
- Hopelessness
- During bad episodes, I think of suicide (I think of methods, but they seem to be more of a fantasy than an actual plan i’ll act on)
- Drug use (heavy consumption of alcohol when consuming it socially, frequent cannabis use to maintain my high, and nicotine daily cigs or vape)
- Either an extreme appetite or an extremely low appetite, before this year it would almost always be on the side of having a voracious appetite, but now it’s almost always an extremely low appetite
- Either no sleep at all (or very little) due to not wanting to even spend a second with my own thoughts, or heavy sleep (pretty much the entire day)
- Social withdrawal
- Bedrotting
- This is the condition that I got referred for, after an intake phone call with a social worker, the clinical notes had “patient++ depressed. Has some symptoms of MDD”
- Had a brief period of going to a GP in waterloo, and she referred me to a psychiatrist because I displayed symptoms of anxiety and depression. Didn’t end up going lol ghosted them
- Anhedonia
- Sister takes fluoxetine (or, well took, she didn’t respond well to it)

Bipolar Disorder
- Depressive episodes (see above for MDD)
- During my mental breakdown, I believe to have seen/heard things that didn’t actually happen that deluded me into thinking my boyfriend was cheating on me (more info later on Borderline Personality Disorder section)
- If I take Adderall XR during a depressive episode, it’ll kick me out of it (sometimes if my tolerance is low). If it really hits me, I might get into a manic episode (more on my use in ADHD section)
- Whenever this happens after a depressive episode, I don’t even take whatever happened seriously. I just think that I was overreacting, that it’s normal, and i’m perfectly fine and normal.
- Hypersexual
- Suspected mania/hypomania episodes (even without involvement of Adderall)
- Episodes often, but not always, include feelings of grandiosity, risk taking, low anxiety, talkativeness, heightened awareness, irritability, euphoria, talkativeness, confidence, planning, and pro-action
- Sudden switch to this state, spontaneous or if a trigger (like adderall, something good happening, an event) is present
- I feel fine without eating or sleeping
- I suddenly become the most social person ever

ADHD
- I can’t tell if my symptoms coincide with my suspicions of depression, or even my “manic” episodes
- I oftentimes need some sort of stimulation (fidget toy, music, video) in the background when i’m doing anything
- I get good grades in school, but studying varies a lot for me. I can easily put in 10+ hours of pure study, but other days I’ll sit in my bed and procrastinate super super hard and end up not even doing anything. This applies to starting and completing other daily tasks like cleaning, self-care routines, etc.
- Caffeine or adderall almost always need to be involved
- on adderall: i initially started to help with my studies, and it helped tremendously. It also helped me become a normal person. It makes daily tasks and routines much more manageable. My friends sometimes insist my use is problematic, but I choose to continue taking it because the benefits it gives me are immense. I can go to the gym, study, clean, shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, socialize, keep up with things so much easier while i’m on it. It also helps me manage my weight, since before I was a little on the overweight side. Now I sit at a comfortable, healthy, normal weight for my age and height. This incentives me to keep taking it. I can still eat though, even if not much. I even notice I eat healthier and gravitate less towards ultra processed foods. I’ve learned to manage my sleep while on this too. Not taking it doesn’t make me “crave it” by any means. Yes, i’ll take it if i feel a depressive episode coming or if i feel i should lower my weight or lock in, but I don’t ever up my dose (30mg) or feel like I need it everyday. Whenever my tolerance is low and i take it, I do feel that sensation of being wired or even high, which I heard is a sign that I don’t have ADHD?
- My mom, dad, and sister are all diagnosed with ADHD
- Low spatial awareness (bumping into things, uncoordinated)

Autism
- This one is probably the one I suspect the most, but also feel the most uncomfortable with
- I have a difficulty maintaining and making female friends. I feel as though they rely on even more implicit social cues as opposed to male friendships. My friends consist of men. It’s not like I don’t want female friends at all, matter of fact I go out of my way to try to make them with little success. My interests coincide with more men as well. I mask less often around men as well.
- My high grades are tied to the fact that I have several hyper fixations that are linked to academia in some way (evolutionary biology/anything to do with prehistory and zoology, chemistry, astronomy, anime, manga, video games, certain TV shows and movies)
- I struggle with social cues and expressions. I’ve learned how to adapt to that by studying others, but they don’t really come easy to me
- I’ve been told I can’t control my volume when speaking. Either I speak too loudly or too quietly.
- Been told I look “standoffish”, mean, unapproachable and that I have a resting bitch face. Not my intention at all.
- Been told I should have a talk show, because it’s easy for me to go on long tangents. I crave long conversations. I hate the surface-level conversations that others engage in. Like why is it weird I want to talk to others about how pterodactyls aren’t a real thing and pterodons aren’t dinosaurs but flying reptiles???
- Sensory issues with certain textures and food. I was always the one eating chicken nuggets at fancy restaurants when I was younger. My palate has since expanded, but I struggle to eat fruits and vegetables
- I’ll get angry if my routines are disrupted. I have a unique way of organizing myself in a way I can’t even explain.
- Obsessed with planning, making routines, and organization
- I present myself as a generally attractive girl in order to make people less weary when it comes time I unmask

Borderline personality disorder
- This has to do with my mental breakdown. I fully convinced myself my boyfriend was cheating on me and broke down because of it.
- Fear of abandonment
- Black and white thinking when it comes to categorizing others as either all good, or all bad
- Manipulative towards others
- Vindictive towards people who I deem to be all bad
- Past traumas that have to do with abandonment and a betrayal of trust
- Will idolize people on a whim, and believe they can do no wrong

Anxiety
(some of these symptoms are present when i’m normal, depressed, or “manic” interchangeably)
- Struggle with speaking to strangers
- Sense of impending doom
- I tend to socially overcompensate
- Need for social validation
- A fear of being perceived
- Imposter syndrome

That was a lot, but it’s what has been building up for me. I understand how these conditions are rare, especially if they’re all present.

With whoever reads this’s expertise, I want to know how I should bring these suspicions up with a psychiatrist or my psychotherapist or literally anyone without making it seem like I want these for fun or something. Literally any thoughts or opinions are welcome, I feel like a literal alien at best and a loser attention seeker at worst

is it smart to tell people about my diagnosis?

should i be telling people about my diagnosis?

just got diagnosed for type 2, any experience with these meds?