The reason for the break up is me, and I feel inhuman asking for that because of that as well as i do not want to break that no contact because it is getting better for like this. But we lived that month together and it feels correct that we split it maybe even 60/40.
Hello everyone. I am very sorry if the tag doesnt resemble the topic im going to talk about and also sorry about the long context but it is needed!
Very recently (1,5 months ago) ended a 2,5 year relationship where i was fully at fault. I talked behind my partners back with another person (E) and neither side knew about another. And we talked for a week. I visited E for 5 minutes just meet her cats but thats all. There was more things but this is pretty much the extent to my and E’s connection. Nothing physical happened as of why i will talk about it later. Afterwards me and my ex still kept a very good contact through which i understood the reasons why i started talking with another person in the first place as i did not want anything physical and nothing more than friends at MAX.
2 weeks later I got to a conclusion. That I am very prone to avoiding any kind of negativity or hostility against me, and to an even further extent I tried to search for affirmation and positive things from others constantly, that being the main reason as of why. Also, I never set any boundaries which also made things worse as I clearly did not explain where i draw the line. I then vowed to myself to be more honest and open minded while also setting a clear boundary to people i meet, which immediately would help me avoid shallow relationships, which was one of the roots for my issues. (I was not believing in any form of good to me from close people, because i was scared that they say that because of a potential bias to me)
I then talked to people and tried doing everything differently. Setting clear and understandable boundaries. Deleting social media (installed reddit for this haha) to filter those people who care to those who dont. Which led me to meet another person (L) through a video game. Long story short, we enjoyed the session so we agreed to play again. Amidst of that session L asked about me and such, where i stated about my current situation and where i stand so there arent no misunderstandings. When we did not play anything, we also talked about other things, but very mild and nothing oit of the ordinary. Also because of my and my exes aggreement, where we decided to be open about who we talked to so if needed we can cut ties, I told her about this situation.
When i brought this up with her however, she decided immediately to cut ties with me because I am not willing to change, and did the same thing again. To which I was confused because I specifically did things to make sure that i become better. (Open, honest, very clear about my boundaries) And everywhere else my efforts were showing, for example at work i was nore productive and a better colleague.
I feel very stuck because I know that I did the neccessary actions to be better and not do it like I did last time. And I feel like if that would be the other gender, this would not be that big of a problem. And now i dont know what to or how to act now to actually improve and become better. Before I knew that there was a certain path forward for me where I am acting exactly like i was acting with L. Clear, open, honest and truthful. Now none of this makes sense to me and I cannot understand what actions are neccessary to be actually better all around.
I am looking for guidance on what to do or tell me that maybe I am doing everything wrong.
Also I want make it clear, that I have nothing against my ex! She is very well in her right to do this. I am purely confused on how i should act from now on and where does my path actually lead to.
If anyone needs more context ask!