what is this?
I have always struggled with this past relationship in the past not because it was toxic (I obviously know that and knew that at the time) but of how I was treated in a way. I never got closure to what he had done to me because I had never known what to call it.
I was a minor at the time and was just a sophomore in high school, my ex was a junior at the time. He had approached me first through text and we had constantly been on and off ever since. He was not a good person but I kept going back to him because of my low self-esteem and my mental health was basically shit at the time. He knew that and I knew that.
He had started to make sexual advances towards me like asking for nudes and stuff like that, I was reluctant but did it anyways because I thought it was the only way to make him stay. I vividly remember that he would guilt trip me, threaten me that he would leave, and would become dry through text. Which made me comply eventually because I wanted him to stay and make him happy.
I felt disgusting as I had never done these things before. He was literally my first kiss. The first red flag (other than the pressuring for nudes) was how he would choke me whenever he would kiss me. I didn’t like it at all and would tell him to stop and he would but it would just start again eventually. I had just kept my mouth shut because again I just wanted him to stay.
He would regularly leave me for a period of time and reenter my life again somehow. He knew I would always let him back in. He knew he had power over me.
He was never violent but one instance was when he had suddenly gotten upset because I hadn’t texted him after his football practice. I wanted to give him the space because I knew he was going to be busy. We were talking like normal and then BAM his mood suddenly changed because of how I didn’t text him and he had started pushing me to go home. ( we were at school at the time) He was like shoving me away from him which surprised me a lot.
But these aren’t what I had always thought about.
One day after his track meet, he had wanted to meet up. I had stayed afterschool for a band activity so I waited for him to get back. I thought he had wanted to just see me and talk which made me happy but he had brought me behind the school and he requested for me to touch him on his parts. I kept saying no and had legit started crying. I was terrified. I was all alone with this guy, who for all I could know could chase me down if I had tried to run.
I stood there crying, I kept asking him that he would just leave me after. He had noticed that I was crying and he hugged me apologizing. I felt a sense of relief that it was all over but he had just taken me away from the cameras and around the corner from where we had been and he had started to ask me again. After he had just apologized for asking that, he just asked again but took me away from the school cameras.
I felt hopeless and I agreed. I looked away and he guided my hand to his part. I felt disgusted within myself and had just felt numb when he walked me back. Nothing happened, he had just made me touch him. The next day he had left me and would eventually try to come back.
After that day and some time to heal I had always wondered what that is. I am no way in shape or form asking this because I just wanted to give my experience a name so that I could be a victim of something and boast it off. I genuinely am wondering what it was and what my 15 year old self had experienced. He was also a minor at the time but just a year older (maybe I’m not entirely sure). I knew that the relationship was toxic but that experience will always be on my mind because I could never figure out what it was that I had experienced.
I’m sorry that this was a long one, I wanted to include as much detail as I could because I genuinely would want to know.