I can’t bring myself to try anymore. Since as young as I can remember I’ve hated myself. I’ve been unloveable for so long. I keep seeing these videos where people talk about how people treating you has nothing to do with your looks, and maybe in the past year or so I’ve had hope that maybe, just maybe, it’s true. And I’ve really grown as a person. I have aspirations, long term goals, a career path hopefully lined up. I take my physical fitness and health into account. I have a good diet, and work out often. I have so many hobbies. I rock climb, create art often, cook food, volunteer a couple times a week building houses, and in the last month or so I’ve been learning a new language. I’m dedicated as a person, I take 6 days out of my week to study and learn about the career I want to get certified for.
But I just can’t bring myself to try anymore. I’m sick of overcompensating. Because the truth is you can’t earn relationships through hard work. Noticing all the little things, like people not looking at you when you talk to them, or micro aggressions directed at things you cant change, or people thinking you’re stupid or lesser than because you’re ugly. I see attractive people just get fawned over constantly in classes I’m in. When people perceive you, the instant moment neurons in their brain fire and realise, yes, the person they’re talking to is in fact ugly, they think you’re a worse, more immoral person automatically. We see this in media all the time, with people equating evil and ugliness as similar things. I saw a video the other day, reporting on the Israel Gaza war. The report’s video showed Israeli soldiers dragging and assaulting a child with down syndrome who was displaced from his home. Guess what, the only thing the comments could talk about was how the soldiers were probably ugly. In people’s minds, being ugly is more of a crime than even the most despicable acts.
And please don’t say it’s my personality. I’ve had both men and women say I’m a really funny, compassionate person and someone they want to be around. The other day one of my friends who is a woman told her friends, “Hes literally so me coded,” and everyone is always laughing at my jokes. I just wish someone loved me as more than a friend. I’ve never had anyone even show the slightest bit of interest in something romantic with me. I just really wish I was seen as more than this ugly body I’m trapped in. I wish people would give me the grace I give others. I wish someone would just give me a chance, I would be a great boyfriend. I have money. I’m generous. I’m empathetic and forgiving. I’m funny. I’m dedicated. I just hate how I have to keep doing more and more all to no avail of anyone loving me.
I often find myself daydreaming about everyone just being little orbs floating around, where people can only be judged on the content of their character. I’m sorry if any of this came off as me bragging or narcissistic, I just wanted to talk about my achievements and the good things about me to really set the scene of how I feel. I really just don’t know what to do from here on out. And it really only gets worse from here, I haven’t even left high school. And I’m not blaming anyone for this. I understand that it’s just our nature to want someone attractive. But I don’t know, I just wish things were different. If you read all of this thanks for taking the time out of your day to connect with me through this text wall :)