u/Gullible-Orchid-9210

This Tuesday makes 4 weeks on 20 mg. My first two weeks were full of nightmarish anxiety, but I believe that to be due to going off of Latuda. It has since lessened greatly.

I feel like I don't really care much about anything. Most of the time I just feel lazy and bored. I haven't been to the gym since going on the med. I've slept a LOT. And I don't really do much lately except play on my phone.

It's weird though because I'm not totally mad about it? I still get mildly depressed and anxious here and there but I'm nowhere near the nervous wreck that I was. I also had trouble sleeping before this pill and now it's not a problem. My bf and I got dinner and saw a movie last night and it kind of restored some of my enjoyment in life lol.

I can't tell if this is what non-mentally-ill people are supposed to feel like or if I'm blunted emotionally 😂 but like I said, a lot of the side effects of my mental illness are MUCH easier to deal with. My rumination and social monitoring has gone down significantly and I don't think about k*lling myself much, if at all, anymore. So... I guess it's a success?

I stopped taking my Latuda (40 mg) about 4 weeks ago and started Prozac instead due to side effects. I think it was akathisia?

But if I'm being honest, Prozac has done absolutely nothing for me except make me grind my teeth and have no sex drive. Other anti-depressants have always done fuck all for me. I've tried Prozac in the past, as well as Zoloft, Cymbalta, and Lithium and not a single one of them helped. Trileptal and Lamictal helped a bit, but I don't wanna take those again because they can interact with the birth control I'm on and I have no desire to stop using my preferred method. Wellbutrin helped a bit also but it caused SEVERE insomnia that no sleeping medicine ever fixed, and I can't compromise my sleep quality.

Latuda was single-handedly the best medicine I've taken in my entire life despite being on it for only one month. My appetite and energy levels were stable, I was smiling and laughing, I got back in the gym, it completely nuked my social anxiety, and I was easily able to get chores and errands done without dragging my feet.

But God! The panic and akathisia right after taking it was terrible! On top of that I'd become EXTREMELY tired an hour or two after taking it, so it felt like chasing an Ambien with three Red Bulls 💀 but at this rate I'm willing to just accept it because again, it changed my life for the better and I miss it immensely. It sucks there has to be a drawback to get better.

Should I chat with my psychiatrist about it or wait a little longer for the Prozac? I have my appointment on Tuesday.

I used to love hiking, going to the gym and going for walks. I liked going out. I didn't have crippling social anxiety. I actually cooked and ate real, healthy food, not just takeout and frozen meals. I did my hair and makeup. I was in shape and at a healthy weight.

Then this crippling depression and anxiety set in. I wake up every day, prepared for another day of misery and overthinking. I'm always exhausted no matter how much I sleep. I can barely drag myself out of bed, let alone to the gym or out in public to do anything besides work or errands, both of which I do because I absolutely have to. I haven't cooked a real meal in months.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was watching a movie with my would-have-been stepbrother (things didn't work out between my dad and would-have-been stepmother) and my dad called me downstairs for dinner, in the nice house I grew up in 3 states away from where I'm at currently. My dad passed away in 2020 from a heart attack. It was a beautiful dream. I didn't want it to end.

I woke up realizing my younger self wouldn't want this life for me. She would want me to tap into the creativity I lost upon entering adulthood and take care of myself and my circle. I went for a morning drive today to clear my head, and got a strong urge to write and draw. I've done neither since this fog started looming over me.

I mourn who I used to be. I just started a new medicine that will hopefully help me and I start therapy next month. I hope to get back to being who I was before all this. I've been depressed since I was 11, honestly. But I coped so much better just a few years ago. I just want to know that there is a life after this, and it could be mine.