Hubbies mental health is killing me slowly
Hi, my hubby suspected ASD and adhd is never ever happy. I have also adhd and we have 3 nd kids under 11. We live in Scotland and his mum lives in England. He’s never lived at home for 30 years or in that part of the world, he’s lived here for 13 years now. We have build a life, a business, a home and have stability but he never seems to be content. Always telling me he wants to move home but no actual plan of how that would look for us other than his mom would take the kids for us. His mum comes here a lot to visit and we have spare room for her so she stays up to a week at a time but when she’s here he never makes plans to do anything with that free time. He doesn’t socialise or try to with anyone, keeps my friends at arms length and just always makes me feel guilty for needing my social life so I rarely go out now. He doesn’t even sit in the same room as me at home. I feel so lonely and diconnected to him and my life and that’s in my home town where I have people in my life, moving to England to have no one and face this isn’t appealing to me coz I don’t know what would change other than I’m miserable. I have a support network here that also support him if he’s allows them too. He doesn’t have friends like that in England not that would be a support to us.. maybe his friends to him now and again but even then I doubt that as his 2 best friends are moving and making plans to not be there. We would be financially worse off by around 120k in property and neither of us would have a job, he’s a tiler but even then I have to run his business for him, find him customers and he just turns up and does the job and gets paid. He doesn’t do anything to drive his own business forwards so I feel mega burnt out with that too on top of my own job.
I’m so mentally drained trying to be the one who manages everyone’s mental health and emotions here. I’m barely surviving and the pressure of him telling me weekly I’ve forcing him to live here is too much. I am not forcing anyone to live here he made a decision to live here and marry and have children away from him home town and now expects us to move to England based of nostalgia and no concern for how that would work with no jobs. He can’t every fill in an application form himself let alone move 5 of us to England and I know all the legal stuff, school stuff, change of addresses andbjob searches would be on me to sort. I’m a shadow of myself and constantly on eggshells trying to not upset him so he gives me an ultimatum to move. I don’t think I could move away and face all the upheaval and uncertainty to be faced with the same distant, unmotivated emotionally vacant husband in a different place. At least here I have a safety network of familiarity. Equally I can’t keep living like this and shutting myself off from going out coz I feel guilty at leaving him to watch the kids, I can’t even join a gym or do hobby stuff for fear of him being lonely and miserable coz I’ve got a life and he doesn’t! I don’t know what do to anymore and I’m resenting him more and more for all this pressure!
Last night he overreacted to my 10 yr old and my child was hysterical, begging me to find him a therapist or someone that can help him as he’s scared of dying, that was after my husband screamed at him about something minor and punched his headboard. I lost it with him and told him to grow up emotionally and to st at t doing the ground work on himself to grow. Again it’s always me having to listen to the podcasts, research ways to parent our kids better and without damaging them all emotionally, picking up the pieces of his emotional state and trying to manage my children’s entire coz of him. All this impacts my rigidity in holding my boundary about not moving. He has a whole heap of self growth to do before I’d consider it, u have another fully gown child to manage here. Sorry for ranting and if you got this far thanks. I’m barely hanging on here by a thread