r/ParentingADHD

A bit of a rant but also a genuine question- how are you all keeping your house because I feel like we are completely failing and it’s taking a huge toll on everyone’s mental health. My husband, son (AuDHD) and daughter are diagnosed ADHD, #3 is everywhere all at once and I’m positive I’m in some brand of undiagnosed burnout. I just can’t pick up everything every second anymore. Every time I walk into a room it’s worse than when I left it. We have a small house with tiny bedrooms that is missing essential areas like an entry/mudroom, so everything just gets dumped in the living room. My girls (7 and 5) are so good at getting everything out of the kitchen So Fast, and can destroy the entire house in less than five minutes if I go outside to water a plant or say hi to a neighbor - they are so capable and I am so proud of that but it is a curse. They can reach anywhere and find anything we try to hide, it’s incredible actually. We are constantly digging through laundry baskets because we’re barely keeping up, and my husband’s version of cleaning is throwing everything into misc doom piles in the basement and saying he’ll go through it later. I’m tired. I work full time (from home but not sure if that’s better or worse at this point) and sometimes pick up during the day but I’m drained. After work, after all the running around, behavior issues, making dinner, more messes and bedtime struggles I am over it. Battery’s out and I cannot. Every attempt at organizing and giving things a home (I have tried so many times) has been ignored, forgotten, etc. What are you all doing that at least helps? How can we organize our house better and how can I get the rest of the family on board? I’m not type A by any means (I’ll admit to my floordrobe), but we have to do better. At the moment a play date requires 7-10 business days it’s embarrassing…

https://preview.redd.it/r8h77lzd4d2h1.jpg?width=2544&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7930d506f3922af56bc2287d53c7ad7a89df01b5

Hi r/ParentingADHD,

I'm Jon Zeitlin. Glad to be here, and grateful to the mods for making room for this conversation.

I'm a PAAC-certified ADHD expert, and certified through the Professional Association for ADHD Coaches, which sets the professional standards for ADHD-specific coaching. I co-founded an ADHD center where I trained and supervised therapists and coaches.  Currently, I am the founder and CEO of HabitCoach. From working with hundreds of families, I have learned a lot about what works when it comes to ADHD.

If you're scrolling and don't have a specific question in mind yet, here are some of the topics that come up most often when I'm working with families. Pick whichever resonates, or use them as a starting point if your situation touches a few of these: 

• Morning routines that don't fall apart by week two 
• Homework battles and the meltdowns that follow 
• Transitions, especially the small ones that somehow take 45 minutes 
• Emotional regulation when the wheels come off 
• Screen time, and the negotiation around it that never seems to get easier 
• School accommodations and how to make them actually work in practice, not just on paper 
• Talking to teachers when you feel like you're repeating yourself 
• Sibling dynamics when one kid takes 90 percent of the oxygen in the house 
• Parent burnout, which is real and worth naming out loud 
• When and how to bring in professional help, and what kind 
• Parenting an ADHD kid when you might have ADHD yourself

A few things I won't do. I won't diagnose anyone. I won't comment on medication decisions, that's a conversation for your child's doctor. And I won't make promises about IEPs, 504s, or specific outcomes. Coaching is coaching, not therapy or medical care, and I want to be straight with you about that from the start.

Drop your questions below. I'll be live from 3:00 PM - 6:00 PM PST (6:00 PM - 9:00 PM EST). Ask me anything.

>Thanks everybody for your great questions today. I know what is like to be the parent of a child with ADHD and I wish all of you courage and fortitude on your journey.

Hello Parents! 

My 6 1/2 year old daughter is now on her 4th stimulant for ADHD. Unfortunately, it’s not working either. Her developmental pediatrician recommended a non-stimulant next. Has anyone had any luck with that switch? I’m a bit weary so am interested in bearing side effects too.

Trial and error is not fun 😞

Thanks in advance! 

*please be gentle and supportive* sorry this is long.

My daughter is 6, soon to be 7.

She's been highly sensitive, emotional and reactive since I can remember. I remember around age 3 googling things like "is this normal?" regarding her tantrums and meltdowns. They would last for hours and be incredibly severe and intense, multiple times a day. She was my first so I had absolutely nothing to compare to. I just thought it was "terrible twos" and stuff like that. But she never grew out of it. And then I had my son, and he was day and night different. He was a happy baby who barely cried and if he did, he quickly got over it. I realized then that something wasn't right and my daughter was not the norm.

She over reacts to every single little thing, every little frustration, inconvenience, challenge, it's a level 10 problem in her mind and she reacts as so. In her mind, there is no difference between a minor crumple in her sock and an earthquake. Her amygdala is hijacked.

Our entire household constantly feels like we're walking on eggshells. We've all been in fight or flight mode for years because living right a person this emotionally volatile is the single most draining thing I've ever experienced in my life. We never know when the next explosion is coming.

I tried homeschooling her and she could not focus. It was very challenging to get her to pay attention and learn. I had to take very very frequent breaks and repeat things over and over. I noticed that she hadn't learned her alphabet and everyone else around her had. I just kept hearing from well-meaning friends that every child learns at their own pace and she just isn't ready yet. They kept telling me not to worry about it, that when she was ready it would all just click.

Fast forward, because of her constant volatile moods disrupting the household, hubby and I decided to put her in school in grade 1. We needed to put some distance and see if being in a school environment would be helpful. She did ok in terms of not being emotional at school (masking I guess it's called?) but she's been incredibly behind in math and reading. She's needed every single support and extra work to catch up to her peers. She just can't seem to focus and absorb info. She shows signs of dyslexia, too, like reversing numbers and letters.

So why isn't she medicated? Hear me out. Its a combination of beliefs based on how I was raised and what I've studied, and my own negative experience with medication (in my case, SSRIs). I was raised to believe to try everything natural first and have medication be a last resort. I've been told, and studied myself, that many ADHD symptoms can be caused by other factors that can be corrected. I had horrible side effects on SSRIs and I know many people report negative side effects with ADHD meds, often times saying it made their kids mood even WORSE... more anxiety, more depression, more emotional volatility. You can't blame me for being extremely scared.

So what have we tried? Play therapy, primitive reflex training work, nervous system work, changing diet (no gluten, food dye, fresh whole foods etc.), natural supplements, been to an allergist, tested iron, been to an ENT and airway dentist, we've had her 'Assessed' for ADHD - not an official test but he had me fill out a questionnaire and then do it again a year later and said basically based on your answers, she has it.. We have literally turned over every stone possible.

And she's getting WORSE. Shes more emotionally unstable than ever. She's constantly melting down and crying and whining and fighting with her brother about literally nothing and everything.

I'm at my wits end. We can't live like this anymore. I'm just completely frazzled 24/7 and summer is coming and I'm extremely worried about how that's going to go, having her home all day again. I worry for my younger son who takes the brunt of it.

I'm ready and willing to explore medication as an option now but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified... Terrified of side effects, of it getting worse, of having to do the trial and error period. I'm really, really anxious.

That's why I'm wondering if anyone has any recommendations of specific medications that are good for mood stabilizing specifically. And how low of a dose to start with. Just any words of comfort, advice and encouragement.

Thank you so much for your kindness and not judging. I love my child more than anything and just want to help her thrive.

TL;DR: after trying many things I'm ready to explore medication for my emotionally volatile adhd 6 year old but I'm nervous and need help on where to start.

We have recently introduced a reward chart for our 4.5 year old son who has undiagnosed hyperactive ADHD.

He gets a star for playing nicely, not having accidents, using the toilet before bed and being kind. At the end of the week he can choose his reward, a new board game, some limited screen time or chocolate. We are on day 4 and so far he's gotten a couple of stars but I think he's still getting his head around it.

Has anyone else found reward charts useful for their ADHD child and how long did it take for your child to understand the concept?

Tonight, he and I are snuggled up in bed and he’s trying to negotiate with me to stay longer. Then he says “if you don’t stay x minutes, I’m going to get a kitchen knife and stab you in the head and kill you.”

My son is 6 and diagnosed with combo adhd and anxiety. He currently takes cotempla to help with focus at school. He has a nervous system that “is on fire” and is constantly in a state of fight or flight. He sees an OT and has done talk therapy. The only screen time he has is a family movie night 1x a week (we watch Disney animated movies) - no video games, no iPad. He does swim team and plays outside for hours every day.

Should I be concerned or is this something 6 yo boys say?

I’m exhausted.
fully ND family of 5. I’m tired of the advice to burn the energy off “.. to put my kid in sports.. proprioception.. quiet time… routine.. clean diet.. therapy, meds, etc.. nothing helps.

My youngest 2 constantly make noise.. fighting or playing.. one is hyperactive and explosive.. he barks orders at everyone, throws stuff at me, bounces off any surface he finds, screams and does what he wants despite consequence.. refuses to do anything he doesn’t feel like doing, hyperfixates and is just miserable 75% or more of his wake hours.. anytime he’s around the whole room has a more chaotic and intense vibe.. I can take him out.. he can burn it off.. and then he’s just worse after.. we do grocery pickup, stopped doing story time, rarely leave the house because he is dangerous and impulsive and ruins every fun plan we have.. he was freaking out about a leaf that he lost at the roller coasters last weekend.. (yes he’s audhd, pda.. etc) the other one is just a button pusher.. who gets bored and makes sure to set off the older one when he gets bored and then who goes on chant to drown out the older boy.. and is picking up on his behaviours.. all while the teen gets pushed into responsibilities they dont need to be carrying because I cant and dont have a strong enough nervous system to do it all on my own and our family has barely any outside support. No family nearby, cant keep friends (probably due to my unstable middle child..)

my family would match a super nanny family at this rate.. I can’t redirect them, I can’t help them manage their energy.. they’re essentially overloaded Duracell batteries that have mini explosions all day… get recharged and repeat the cycle..

I just want to give up.. I think I already have.. I have lost who I am.. or who I wanted to be.. and I’m in pure survival mode..
I’m so tired of pushing a ball uphill that just keeps rolling on top of me.. and I know it’s only going to be getting worse.
I’ve found myself addicted to my screen to disassociate when stressed and Info obtaining for hours that go no where.. I’m spending 6-8 hours a day gathering info that is of no use to me..
I don’t feel like i can turn any of this around.

I’m hoping to find other parents who’ve been through something similar, because I feel like what we’re dealing with is way beyond “typical ADHD.”

My daughter (7) has a long history of extreme emotional dysregulation, sensory overwhelm, and fight‑or‑flight reactions. She masks well outside the home, but at home she has explosive meltdowns that can turn dangerous.

Tonight was the worst episode we’ve ever had. She became so overwhelmed that she tried to stab herself in the arm with toys during a meltdown. She wasn’t trying to hurt anyone else — it was all directed inward. She was screaming, denying reality, and completely unreachable. It took a long time to get her safe.

What scares me is the pattern:

• Methylphenidate → severe irritability
• Azstarys → intense anxiety
• Guanfacine → fainting
• Adderall → dose‑sensitive, made her edgy
• Strattera (current) → extreme agitation and self‑harm behavior
• Benadryl → paradoxical agitation instead of sedation
• Melatonin → makes her wired instead of sleepy

It feels like her nervous system reacts opposite to what medications are supposed to do.

She also has:

• huge meltdowns triggered by tiny things
• sensory overload
• panic‑like episodes
• trouble accepting any verbal input during dysregulation (“none of this is true”)
• long recovery time after meltdowns
• a very “threat‑sensitive” profile

I’m not asking for medical advice — I’m just trying to understand whether anyone else has a child whose nervous system reacts like this, and what diagnoses or frameworks helped you make sense of it.

Did your child end up having something beyond ADHD?
Did you find a clinician who understood this pattern?
Did anything help stabilize things?

I’m exhausted and scared, and I just want to know if there are other parents out there dealing with this level of intensity.

We’re in the midst of an unseasonable heatwave and our kids are under 10. Today’s practice was canceled but the coaches are asking us to go to this one coach’s private home for a “strategy” session.

I don’t know this coach very well and I have some qualms - the first being that this seems unnecessary in the middle of a heatwave. Like many ADHD families, we do sports to get energy out, not to sit in a classroom atmosphere in the evening after his meds have worn off. It won’t really work out as desired and this coach is also extremely strict, often expecting developmentally inappropriate things from kids (ie, no discussing anything but the sport while on the bench waiting to sub in at a game when they were 8.) There has already been some “disciplining” of my kid I’ve disagreed with - like being made to run laps for not hearing instructions on an extremely windy day.

I’m feeling really anxious about their expectations for my kid at their house because there’s no way they’re going to sit quietly for an hour while they get lectured on strategy.

Am I being unreasonable? I also prefer to know people fairly well before my kid goes over to their house, I have no idea if this person will have functional A/C on a 95 degree day, whether they have animals (whole family is severely allergic), whether the family has items that would make me uncomfortable in the house, etc. I don’t want to bombard them with questions and seem high maintenance but at the root - is this even a reasonable expectation for a kids sports team?

This is one of those all volunteer parents, sub $200 leagues, not one of those crazy $1200+ travel leagues.

What would you do? Keep the kid home or send them to the coach’s house? A parent would stay if we decide to go (which is a whole other thing - I’m exhausted from a long week plus weekend of work and have absolutely zero interest in socializing tonight with the other parents - but I’d do it if I had to.)

Hello fellow parents! I have an 11 yo daughter almost 12, and she loves to sleep in and eat junk food. She's slim, fit, athletic and very active. She's on track for her age, weight and height.

So i will list my questions.

1. School is practically over for the year and she will sleep from like 10 pm until 11 am or longer the next day. Should I allow this?

2. She has a major sweet tooth. For example if we buy 6 donuts they will be gone in 2 days, completely eaten by her. I have told her and taught her so many times that eating healthy and making better decisions about food is important. But then I catch her sneaking it anyways, or just eating another type of junk food in its place

Reference: she eats pretty descent, eats most meats, and some fruit, veggies, and dairy for meals. She eats like a typical kid and then also seems to be constantly hungry. I don't want to be too restrictive and cause food issues, but I don't want to be on her constantly about her bad habits either. But clearly she has no will power with sweets. Plus. She has adhd and will most likely grab what is quick and easy.

Ty for your advice.

I have a 13 year old; I don’t know how to get out of these loops of arguing without melting down (myself). We’re in these back and forth situations and I just don’t have the tools to diffuse. And therapy hasn’t helped so far. All the language that our numerous therapists have given me to use just doesn’t help… yet. I feel like I’ve been given parts of a bridge that I don’t know how to build yet.

If things get heated and I walk away, she taunts and tells me how I’m suppose to be the adult and deal. When I calmly say “you don’t have to like or understand my decisions, but you need to respect it”, she attacks my parenting and tells me I’m teaching her to fail. She refuses to do anything around the house, no chores, no cleaning up after herself and blames it all on me because I’m not teaching her anything. She knows exactly what to say to hurt. And she doesn’t care.

So yeah I know, don’t take it personally (I’m trying so hard) but nothing is helping. I can’t steer these discussions to results. We are spinning our wheels in the mud.

My husband and I tried to get our daughter tested for ADHD when she was around 3 years old, because we were quite sure she had it. Doc said she may or may not have it, but most kids grow out of it in the next year or so. 

She’s not a few months shy of 5 years old and we’re more sure than before that she has ADHD. We have an appointment scheduled, but it’s a ways away unfortunately. 

In the meantime, I was hoping to get some insight into if anyone’s kiddos deal with this specifically. 

Recently, our daughter has started to “hide” things from us. The first time she did it, she cried her heart out and said she did something horrible. Something that would make us hate her. Now, we assumed it was something awful (even though we knew it wasn’t because she is a sweetheart). It took a long time until she told us… she accidentally looked into a kiddo’s desk drawer when we were at a friend’s house. That’s it. 

It has since snowballed as she says “there’s something I’m not telling you” maybe a dozen times a day. When we can get some info out of her, the thing she’s “hiding” is always something insignificant. 

She overheard a nickname or first name. She noticed something unique about a person we past at the mall. She had a random thought, random memory from 2 years ago, etc. Nothing ever to warrant such a reaction, but the reaction is always the same. 

My husband and I implemented a mantra of sorts to maybe help: “I can tell Mami and Daddy anything and everything. They can handle anything I have to say. Mami and Daddy love me no matter what.”

She is so hard on herself and stresses about these things she’s hiding so much. It breaks our hearts because we have tried so hard to give her a safe space to be herself, and for some reason, she has hyper focused on these things she’s “hiding”. Her dad and I both grew up with our own issues, and so we have always tried to do better for our daughter than our parents did for us. 

I’m not looking for a diagnosis. Just wandering if this is a common occurrence in kids with ADHD? Just to get some insight before our appointment. And if not, then that still gives us some answers. Any insight would help. 

I know this is meant for parents but I just need help and advice. My sister is a junior in high school, very smart, kind, amazing. Past few weeks she hasn’t been going to school anymore though and will just sleep all day long. My parents leave for work early in the morning , they do wake her up for school but she just won’t go. I don’t know how I can help. She has meds, a therapist, I try to give her motivating words to go to school and she just won’t. I’m so worried about her and my biggest fear is losing her. ANY advice appreciated.

She will not talk to me. When my mom asks why she didn’t go she says I don’t know.

My son will be 4 in a month. He is on the waitlist to be screened but I have been observing him closely his entire life and I really think he has ADHD. But, I’m curious if any of your small children struggled socially?

I’ve noticed when my son is around new groups of kids, he gets vastly excited and/or overwhelmed. He introduces himself but then doesn’t know what to do next. He loves kids and loves to play with kids but he just doesn’t know how to remain regulated to make that connection without it just appearing as sloppy and the other kids don’t know how to respond.

Hi. Son is 5. ADHD Combined type. He attends prek 4. My son is def hyper, impulsive, all the “adhd” things. But one thing that he’s really never been is mean for apparently no reason. Yes, he’s reactive and can be unkind when a friend has been mean to him… but we’ve never seen him intentionally try to hurt feelings… until now.

His teacher reached out today that this is the second time she’s had to talk to him about being unkind and making others feel sad. Apparently yesterday a student was having a rough day and crying for his parents all day. Well today, my son was behind him in line and said something along the lines of “no one’s coming to pick you up today. But someone’s coming to pick me up!” His teacher felt like this was intentional to make the kid sad and upset. I don’t disagree. The first time it happened she didn’t really give details, just said he was unkind unprovoked.

To me this is bully behavior and it’s disturbing. I understand he’s impulsive but I feel like saying something like that is idk…. Intentional? I spoke to him about it and he had zero explanation as to why he said that to the kid. We are a loving family. We do not speak unkindly to each other and every time he gets rude with us we put a stop to it and let him know it’s unacceptable. How can I curb this behavior?

I am big on establishing consistency, communicating expectations, and following through. Here are some of the reasons why this has been questionable regarding my daughter (6) putting away her things:

-Her time is limited at home. Between my work schedule and her dad’s visitation schedule, my daughter cannot WAIT for unstructured play time at home. I feel compassion and want her to be able to decompress and have creative free play to help her wind down. Since evening wind down takes a couple hours, it feels like I would be asking her to clean up just as she has finally started to relax. Then the demand would get her all fired up, distracted, and hyper again.

-Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. I do not want all this stuff in our apartment. She comes home from her dad’s with a different toy almost every time. HIGH conflict with him, so even simply sending the stuff back is a risk for me. PLUS my daughter resists sending it back. Should I just donate all this so I don’t have to ask her to put it away??

My concern is that some times I might be adamant that she clean up, and other days I can recognize that she is completely tapped out. Asking her to clean up would probably delay bedtime by another hour, even though picking up toys and dropping them in a basket could take 30 seconds without ADHD. Tonight, I tried the counting, “let’s see how long it’ll take…” and she demanded that I restart counting for when she was “ready.” Since time/schedule demands are another area of struggle, I felt the need to continue counting because of the reality that “time waits for no one.” Then I realized we were in a ridiculous power struggle, I should not have asked that she clean up since she just laid down, and now feel I can’t follow through with consequences because I “should have known” not to ask her. BUT THE CONSTANT MESSES ARE NOT WORKING FOR MY BRAIN.

Any thoughts…. I wondered if I should simply clean up after her because in the short term it is SO much easier. But I see the risk in her never learning. I feel like I’m trying every technique in the book, every collaborative game to make it easy. But the schedule and her bandwidth feel like real barriers and I wonder if I should give up the idea that she will learn to clean up after herself any time soon.

Any tips on getting an 8f to stop weeding the bed? No accidents when awake. Wet diapers every night. I don’t know what other details to include.

Edit: Now I know what details to include. I prefer to only hear recommendations from people who’ve experienced this. I don’t need advice like “withhold liquids” or “wake up twice a night for the next two months”.

Our child sleeps very deeply. She used to get worried about wetting herself if she fell asleep in the car. Sometimes she leaks out of her pull up and still doesn’t wake up.

My 10 kid took her first dose of concerta today. She cannot stop talking. Is this normal?! She has been talking constantly for 6 hours now.

As a mom, I’m struggling to figure out what to do next. My son is 11 and was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety 2 years ago. He’s an overall very hyper kid, but also has explosive anger. He’s currently on a stimulant (Azstarys) and Abilify. He’s also tried guanficine and clonodine for his emotional issues. I do notice a slight improvement in his anger since getting on Abilify, but his anger and emotional dysregulation in general is still a big issue. He’s also tried other stimulants. He just recently got pushed down to a lower level team because his soccer coach no longer wants to deal with my sons emotional responses on the field. He used to be in therapy but he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about anything. I’m currently looking to find him a new therapist in hopes that the last one just wasn’t the “perfect match” for him. I’m at my wits end. I’ve been dealing with these anger and emotional outbursts for years and just don’t know what else to do. He was taught quite a few techniques to try in the moment when he gets dysregulated, but in the heat of the moment, he has zero interest in doing any of those. I try to talk to him and work with him and I just have run out of ideas at this point. I’m so terrified for him to grow up and still be this dysregulated. I don’t know how he will function as an adult and I am so worried for him. His med provider says he can try risperidone next but honestly I’m a little afraid to put him on that due to some of the side effects he could potentially experience. Please tell me it gets better. Please give me any advice you may have. I just want him to be able to live a normal life 😭