u/Gummy_Sama

I (31f) have been together with my partner (31tf) for three years now, it has only been about six months since she had come out to me as poly with another already in mind. In the past I had been used, ex's have abused being poly just to cheat on me or leave me after they had gained their partner. I had panicked because of this, however I wanted to try to learn to accept and to even just be okay with things. To trust that she wouldn't leave me. She hasn't, however a number of issues have come up, resulting in is fighting often now. At first it was the fear, because along with this addition to our relationship that person also had a partner. There was also another girl that my partner had developed feeling for and wishes to have her join. (Basically now there are three other women she has developed feelings for.) I felt overwhelmed.. hurt and confused and it left me in mental spirals. The biggest thing due to my trauma is the result of sexual desire, particularly with one girl. I couldn't handle the thought of her being with someone else physically, especially while trying to get used to all of this. But they send hentai (anime porn) to each other. Sext though they don't send nudes. It.. leaves a heated knot in my stomach.. a voice in my head wondering why I get ignored in messages and constant accusations.. I've tried comperson, tried to be okay and breathe. Talk through my emotions and jealousy.. my partner and I used to be so close.. now we fight like cats and dogs. My anxiety is so high that I constantly think about them together and it drives me insane.. it's like someone is screaming at me in my head with a megaphone. "They could be getting spicy again. Just lying and downplaying it. They've already texted while at work. No matter how much you whine it's just going to happen again. And again. It's inevitable."

I hate myself for it. I hate how I am and I just want my partner.. I don't want to lose her.. she doesn't want to lose me either.. aside from therapy and doing myself up with meds for anxiety and depression.. I don't know what to do.. I'm so scared and terrified.. how do I overcome this.. how do I stop the thoughts and just be okay with her wanting to be with others.. I've done so much research and video essays.. writing my feelings out and trying to tell myself it's fine. She still loves me.. I feel like rot.. I feel like if I can't rewrite myself and get out of all this negativity I lose the only light I ever truly had in my life.. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm so scared..

My partner 31(tf) is Poly, she struggled for about a year to even tell me because she knew of my views on it. While I have no ill thoughts against Poly itself, I had previously been used in the name of Poly by ex's (a primary being my ex prior to getting into a relationship with her) who had offered poly after cheating on me with another girl but didn't want to give me up.. others have offered poly to gain another partner to only leave me thereafter.. so I struggle. Her and I (31f) had been together for three years prior to this. At first, it was only to be a single addition, but that addiction also had a partner. As well as my partner developing a crush on a 3rd girl aside from those two. Everything came like a whirlwind and I felt like I had no time to cope, I was left on my own while they just allow their partnerships to deepen and become more sexual.. it's been nearly 6 months of trying to cope, I love her with all of my heart.. she is the light of my life. It started with fear of being abandoned. However out of anything now jealousy has settled in.. it leaves a horrible knot in my stomach to think of her physically with any of the others.. I try to be okay.. I just want to be happy with her and have her in my life. I don't want to lose her.. but I constantly think about it. It's like a voice with a megaphone stuck in max volume and won't shut up. I've tried breathing, sitting with the emotions. I get so manic and scared, we end up fighting nearly every other day now.. we hurt each other because I didn't want things to escalate too quickly when I couldn't even get my foot in the door with being okay.. yet things did. She even lied to me about sexting with one of her partners, or minimizing them just having talks but it's what they want to do with each other..

She just wants me to celebrate her but I don't even know how.. I'm on the verge of losing everything I hold dear in my life.. I don't want her to feel caged though.. I hate how I think. My depression has gotten so incredibly horrible since all of this is started because I'm mad at myself i can't get over my jealousy and fear and pain.. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do.. other than going into therapy to try to work through this..meds.. she thinks it's just my self esteem..

She's not wrong.. I think so low of myself.. yet these thoughts.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm at my wits end.. this is for anyone who had dealt with this kind of thing.. please.. I don't want to lose her.. I don't want it to come to that and I'm willing to try anything.. for those who dealt with this kind of thing and still overcame it.. how in the world did you? How did you get the obsessive loud thoughts to finally stop and just.. be?