I sincerely need some advice beyond “just leave”… F (37)
I feel trapped in a relationship that I know is destroying me emotionally, but I’m terrified to leave because I genuinely don’t think I’m strong enough financially or mentally right now to survive the fallout.
My partner has cheated repeatedly for years, and my self-esteem and mental health are at the lowest point they’ve ever been. I feel constantly anxious, emotionally dysregulated, depressed, and honestly just worn down after so many years of this.
One of my biggest fears is that if I leave, he will use money, resources, and stability against me and destroy my life while I’m already struggling to hold myself together. We have a one-year-old together, and the thought of fighting while trying to survive financially feels unbearable. He has made very direct threats to me and called me every name in the book while screaming at me in my face. I’m so embarrassed that I’m in this situation, but I sometimes I just take it and cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I scream back, but that results in some type of retaliation from him and I’m scared now and broken. He behaves in front of my kids, and they’ve never seen the side of him that is so evil, mostly I’m grateful of that. My whole life revolves around being a mom and all I ever wanted was a happy family and to be loved by someone. This now makes me feel weak and pathetic…
I also share two older children with my ex-husband. My 15-year-old is in Arizona with me, but my middle child, who has autism, is staying in Washington with his dad because they currently have a stronger support system for his specific needs. That decision alone has shattered me emotionally because I never imagined my life would look like this.
Financially, I feel completely trapped. I have almost nothing of my own right now. I’ve become so dependent on the lifestyle and structure of this relationship that the idea of suddenly figuring out rent, childcare, transportation, food, and rebuilding a business while emotionally broken feels impossible.
I know people will probably judge me for saying this, but I’m scared of how drastic the lifestyle change will be too. I’m used to surviving day to day without worrying about basic needs because everything has been tied to him financially. Now I feel ashamed even admitting that because I know there are people struggling far worse.
I don’t want pity. I think I just need support, honesty, and maybe advice from people who actually got out and rebuilt their lives after feeling financially and emotionally trapped for years. I feel like I can’t do this. I logically know I should leave, but my nervous system feels stuck in a constant freeze response and overwhelming fear about surviving the aftermath.
Did anyone else feel completely frozen FOR MANY YEARS before they finally left? I am not getting any stronger.. I kept telling myself if I wait longer, I can get stronger emotionally to do it, but I just feel more beat down.