u/Half4lien

The last two days I have been incredibly depressed and low. I felt abandoned by a couple of important people in my life and it set off my need to regulate by self-destruction.

I used to do a lot of drugs and hang out with very unpredictable people. Lately I have been sober however, but I find myself romanticizing that life so much today. This still life that I try to manage feels so fucking fake when I’m this low.

I have so much rage and emptiness in my body right now. I felt like breaking my whole apartment today in a fit of rage, cut myself, leave town to go to the city and get fucked up and go back to not caring about my life anymore. But all I do is sit here. Been watching movies all day, completely unable to do anything else since my lust for life is completely gone. I hate everyone and everything. And in the middle of it all, I realize I’m in an episode and that I need to manage it and use my new skills that are taking form. But it fucking ITCHES. God I just want to take the fucking edge off but then I know another dark cycle will just reopen :)))))))))))

Does anyone relate?! This life feels so fucking fucked.

I wonder how many other pwBPD feel like they struggle with weed?

For me it’s always the same. If I pick up weed, it only takes a month for me to lock myself in my apartment, curtains closed, smoking 15 joints a day and barely getting anything done, watching youtube forever without even paying attention. Not even eating. Just numbing out. So deeply alone and deeply depressed. Giving up on myself. I get severe issues with handling my emotions from this and when I sober up during the day I get very agitated easily, I lash out on loved ones and all my symptoms come crashing down on me.

I was sober from a lot of things all last year, but the past 3 months after a breakup with my ex I’ve been in a weed-relapse. I’m 3 days sober now again and right now I’m handling myself extremely well and I feel better, even if this change is really tough and I coldsweat every night.

I have tried countless times to be moderate. But honestly there isn’t a single thing in my life that I do moderately and weed is like my cryptonite. It makes me really sad how alone I felt during this relapse. How I was thinking to myself that the whole thing was like a substitute for suicide. I’m not dead but I’m not here either.

Does anybody relate to this? And I really don’t need anybody here feeling positive about weed right now or try to convince me that their way of smoking works for them. I am only reaching out to pwBPD who feel stuck in this cycle and suffer more because of it.

Hey there,

Last year I got sober mainly from weed since it was my biggest issue, but also from nicotine alcohol and partydrugs, and I kept my sobriety for a whole year and was on a good path. Changed a lot of things and went to therapy.

However 4 months ago I broke up with my then partner who mistreated me and left me deeply heartbroken. After a month of really tough grief I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I started smoking myself out completely to numb out from what I’m feeling.

Now I’ve been in a 3 month relapse and I’m smoking my last joints tonight, because I told on myself and told my psychologist last week about this. My kind of therapy becomes kinda pointless if I keep getting high instead of processing. And also my moodswings are getting more and more out of control.. Having really dark thoughts and I’m just so deeply sad inside I feel like… There have been times these months that I really wish I wasn’t here anymore…

I’m writing and sharing this because I need people who understand me and feel supportive, so if you do, please don’t hesitate to write a comment. I’m feeling very alone in this relapse. A lot of shame and guilt as well.

Thanks to anyone for reading this far.