u/Happy-Figure-9849

Some backstory:
I have two children—a 12-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter. They have different fathers. My husband (my son’s father) passed away when my son was only 6 weeks old. My daughter’s father came into our lives when my son was very young and has raised him as his own. Even though we’ve been separated for six years, he’s still a loving and active father to both kids.
There are two women who have been constants in my life through everything: my stepmom and my late husband’s mom.
My stepmom helped raise me. She and my dad were together for years, but she ended up cheating on him and leaving. Six months later, my dad passed away. Before he died, he asked me to keep her in my life, and I’ve honored that promise.
My late husband’s mom has also remained in my life. She calls me her daughter even though I’ve remarried, and she calls my daughter her granddaughter, despite there being no biological relation. She’s been incredibly supportive over the years, and I truly appreciate her.
That said, I’ve started noticing something that’s really bothering me.
Both my stepmom and my late husband’s mom seem to heavily favor my son. They take him on outings, keep him for weekends, buy him gifts, and generally shower him with attention. When my daughter was little, I understood. Taking a toddler everywhere is a lot harder than taking one older child.
But now she’s 9, and she’s noticing.
She has ADHD, and while medication has helped tremendously, she asks a lot of questions. They often interpret that as “talking back.” She’ll ask why she can’t do something, and they’ll say she’s being disrespectful. She’ll respond, “I’m just having a conversation,” because, from her perspective, she genuinely wants to understand.
Then there are the little things that add up.
For example, we mostly drink water at home. When my late husband’s mom visits, she always brings a 12-pack of Dr Pepper. She’ll let my son have as many as he wants, but when my daughter asks for one, she’ll tell her no or tell her to drink a zero-sugar one instead (which my daughter doesn’t like). I’ve started buying regular Dr Pepper myself before visits so my daughter isn’t the only one being told no.
Recently, my daughter has started calling it out.
She’ll ask me, “Mom, can I have a Dr Pepper?”
I’ll say yes.
Then she’ll look right at Grandma and say, “Well, Grandma says I can’t have any.”
Grandma immediately acts confused or innocent, like my daughter is making it up, even though I’ve witnessed it happen multiple times.
It’s not just the soda. There are countless little moments like this where my daughter is treated differently.
It’s gotten to the point that if I need someone to watch my daughter, I’ll usually ask her dad’s wife (we’re very close) instead because I know she’ll treat her fairly.
My son obviously loves the attention, and I don’t blame him. I don’t want to punish him or take away relationships that are important to him.
But I hate watching my daughter slowly realize she’s being treated differently by people who insist she’s their granddaughter.
My biological mom is the only grandparent figure who truly treats both of my kids exactly the same. She can’t afford to spoil them, but she loves them equally, and they both know it.
So here’s my question:
Would I be overreacting if I told them that if they’re going to call my daughter their granddaughter, they need to treat her like one? And if they can’t or don’t want to, then maybe they should stop calling her their granddaughter altogether.
I’m not expecting everything to be exactly equal, but I also don’t think it’s fair for one child to consistently feel like she’s second choice.

Edit to add: My stepmom and Late husband’s mom hangout a lot. My stepmom has a guest house and my late husband’s mom will stay there for a week or two and have my son some of the time while she’s there. So it’s not just one or the other doing it individually, they are both actively not taking her or doing things with her at the same time.

I also want to add that while my son is away with them, I do my best to make that time special for my daughter. We’ll have movie nights in my bed, go get our nails done, have lunch together, relax in the pool, or just spend one-on-one time together. I never want her to feel like she’s missing out.
The thing is, I know I’m trying to make up for something that shouldn’t need to be made up for.
She hasn’t directly asked me why her brother gets to stay with them and she doesn’t, but I know that question is coming. For a while, I’ve been mentally preparing excuses to protect their feelings and spare hers.
This weekend really made it hit me. We spent the Fourth of July together, and when we left today, they kept my son for a few more days while I brought my daughter home. On the drive home, I realized I was already rehearsing what I was going to say when she eventually asks why she doesn’t get to stay too.
Then I stopped and thought… why am I preparing to make excuses for grown adults?
Part of me feels like I need to finally say something. Another part of me wonders if I should stop protecting them from the consequences of their own actions and let my daughter ask them directly why they treat her differently.
I’m really torn because I don’t want to damage anyone’s relationship, but I also don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like she’s somehow less worthy of love or attention.

I should’ve added a couple of things for context.
There is another granddaughter who stays with them regularly too—my stepbrother’s daughter. She’s only about two months older than my son, so they absolutely do have another grandchild stay over. (So no its not sexist behavior)

I also don’t think the Dr Pepper situation is about my daughter’s diet. She actually cares about making healthy choices on her own. I think that’s something she’s picked up from me because I’m always reading nutrition labels. Sometimes she’ll ask me if something is a healthy choice, and she gets really proud of herself when she chooses healthier options.
At home, I do limit junk food and soda for both kids, but I’m not overly strict. I usually say things like, “Everything in moderation,” “Drink some water first,” or “Let’s pick a healthier snack,” and I’ll redirect them toward fresh fruit or vegetables. I’m definitely stricter than the grandparents are when it comes to what the kids eat and drink.
That’s why the Dr Pepper thing stands out to me. It’s oddly specific. She’ll let my son have as many as he wants, but when my daughter asks, she’s often told no or told to drink a zero-sugar one instead. It isn’t consistent with how she treats the other kids, and that’s what bothers me.

TL;DR: My late husband’s mom and my stepmom consistently favor my 12-year-old son over my 9-year-old daughter, even though they call her their granddaughter. My daughter has started noticing and pointing it out. Would I be overreacting if I told them to either treat her equally or stop calling her their granddaughter?

Some backstory:
I have two children—a 12-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter. They have different fathers. My husband (my son’s father) passed away when my son was only 6 weeks old. My daughter’s father came into our lives when my son was very young and has raised him as his own. Even though we’ve been separated for six years, he’s still a loving and active father to both kids.
There are two women who have been constants in my life through everything: my stepmom and my late husband’s mom.
My stepmom helped raise me. She and my dad were together for years, but she ended up cheating on him and leaving. Six months later, my dad passed away. Before he died, he asked me to keep her in my life, and I’ve honored that promise.
My late husband’s mom has also remained in my life. She calls me her daughter even though I’ve remarried, and she calls my daughter her granddaughter, despite there being no biological relation. She’s been incredibly supportive over the years, and I truly appreciate her.
That said, I’ve started noticing something that’s really bothering me.
Both my stepmom and my late husband’s mom seem to heavily favor my son. They take him on outings, keep him for weekends, buy him gifts, and generally shower him with attention. When my daughter was little, I understood. Taking a toddler everywhere is a lot harder than taking one older child.
But now she’s 9, and she’s noticing.
She has ADHD, and while medication has helped tremendously, she asks a lot of questions. They often interpret that as “talking back.” She’ll ask why she can’t do something, and they’ll say she’s being disrespectful. She’ll respond, “I’m just having a conversation,” because, from her perspective, she genuinely wants to understand.
Then there are the little things that add up.
For example, we mostly drink water at home. When my late husband’s mom visits, she always brings a 12-pack of Dr Pepper. She’ll let my son have as many as he wants, but when my daughter asks for one, she’ll tell her no or tell her to drink a zero-sugar one instead (which my daughter doesn’t like). I’ve started buying regular Dr Pepper myself before visits so my daughter isn’t the only one being told no.
Recently, my daughter has started calling it out.
She’ll ask me, “Mom, can I have a Dr Pepper?”
I’ll say yes.
Then she’ll look right at Grandma and say, “Well, Grandma says I can’t have any.”
Grandma immediately acts confused or innocent, like my daughter is making it up, even though I’ve witnessed it happen multiple times.
It’s not just the soda. There are countless little moments like this where my daughter is treated differently.
It’s gotten to the point that if I need someone to watch my daughter, I’ll usually ask her dad’s wife (we’re very close) instead because I know she’ll treat her fairly.
My son obviously loves the attention, and I don’t blame him. I don’t want to punish him or take away relationships that are important to him.
But I hate watching my daughter slowly realize she’s being treated differently by people who insist she’s their granddaughter.
My biological mom is the only grandparent figure who truly treats both of my kids exactly the same. She can’t afford to spoil them, but she loves them equally, and they both know it.
So here’s my question:
Would I be overreacting if I told them that if they’re going to call my daughter their granddaughter, they need to treat her like one? And if they can’t or don’t want to, then maybe they should stop calling her their granddaughter altogether.
I’m not expecting everything to be exactly equal, but I also don’t think it’s fair for one child to consistently feel like she’s second choice.

Edit to add: My step mom and Late husband’s mom hangout a lot. My stepmom has a guest house and my late husband’s mom will stay there for a week or two and have my son some of the time while she’s there. So it’s not just one or the other doing it individually, they are both actively not taking her or doing things with her at the same time.
I also want to add that while my son is away with them, I do my best to make that time special for my daughter. We’ll have movie nights in my bed, go get our nails done, have lunch together, relax in the pool, or just spend one-on-one time together. I never want her to feel like she’s missing out.
The thing is, I know I’m trying to make up for something that shouldn’t need to be made up for.
She hasn’t directly asked me why her brother gets to stay with them and she doesn’t, but I know that question is coming. For a while, I’ve been mentally preparing excuses to protect their feelings and spare hers.
This weekend really made it hit me. We spent the Fourth of July together, and when we left today, they kept my son for a few more days while I brought my daughter home. On the drive home, I realized I was already rehearsing what I was going to say when she eventually asks why she doesn’t get to stay too.
Then I stopped and thought… why am I preparing to make excuses for grown adults?
Part of me feels like I need to finally say something. Another part of me wonders if I should stop protecting them from the consequences of their own actions and let my daughter ask them directly why they treat her differently.
I’m really torn because I don’t want to damage anyone’s relationship, but I also don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like she’s somehow less worthy of love or attention.

TL;DR: My late husband’s mom and my stepmom consistently favor my 12-year-old son over my 9-year-old daughter, even though they call her their granddaughter. My daughter has started noticing and pointing it out. Would I be overreacting if I told them to either treat her equally or stop calling her their granddaughter?