u/Happy-Hamster123

My gf (22F) and I (21M) have been struggling with communication. She is an avoidant but also has sporadic mood shifts and acts heavily on her emotions. Sometimes she says she may be bipolar and I’m not too familiar with it but upon a quick search, I think it may be BPD rather than bipolar. Like a lot of the things she says or does kinda contradict each other.

I am someone who always wants to communicate things. It doesn’t have to be immediately but just within a reasonable time frame. I hate sweeping problems under the rug, but lately I don’t feel safe being vulnerable and have tried not to communicate about some things but it’s killing me inside.

When I try to bring something that bothers me, sometimes she will really listen and make me feel heard and understood. But majority of the time, that doesn’t happen and I’m left feeling worse than if I were to have kept it to myself. Whenever I try to have serious conversations, I always have to mention several times how I am not blaming or criticizing her and that we are on the same team, but it doesn’t always help or work, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Usually when I try to initiate communication, she tends to do one or more of the following: shut down/stonewall, bring other things up to flip it on me, justify/get defensive, invalidate how I feel (saying I get mad over everything and every little thing), lash out and say things with the intention of hurting me, goes on her phone to scroll, refuse to make eye contact, initiate a break up, etc. These reactions really make me hesitant to communicate for the past 2 years, but I’ve stupidly or maybe not stupidly tried to keep communicating with hopes it would get better. When she is lashing out, if I stand my ground instead of just apologizing, it gets worse. And if I apologize, sometimes it just gets swept under the rug, and I’m not allowed to bring the same issue up again, but she is. It’s just not fair to me.

Sometimes she would be open to talking and hearing me out and would apologize with a promise to change. But when I would ask her what action she would take to change, she didn’t really have an idea.

I know she has a good heart, but sometimes she doesn’t treat me like it. I know she gets overwhelmed easily and has had trust issues ever since she was young. All of her trauma regarding her dad makes me really feel bad and want to be there for her, but I feel like I’m sacrificing my own well-being. She has told me that she has a really big fear of abandonment, but she constantly pushes me away and initiates breakups quite frequently. That’s not what I want. I want my partner to be willing to fight and push through problems. Maybe it’s her pushing me away as a test to see if I wouldn’t leave her, but I don’t know, i just know it’s wrong. Sometimes I genuinely do feel like she does want to break up but I never get the closure I need. It’s just a feeling of not being chosen.

So yeah… I feel drained, but I know she does as well because no one likes conflict. I do love her, but I think the more she sees what she can get away with, the less respect she has for me. Sometimes I wonder if she even loves me. I guess my question is, how should I communicate things to her without escalating conflict or making her feel criticized and result in her lashing out?

This is probably going to be a bit on the longer side so I’m sorry in advance.

My gf and I have been arguing mostly about money and sex, but I feel like most of it could be preventable if she was able to be more patient and focus on understanding why I feel certain ways.

For some context regarding the money issue, I graduated uni at the end of last year (a semester early) and have a job offer in public accounting that got delayed until later this year. In the meantime, I was hoping to find a temporary job or (maybe) even something better. It’s been a rough search, and I admit I also haven’t been the most productive. She also works in public accounting and makes decent money and has been for almost a year now (she is a year older than me). I have had a 2 job interviews/screenings but ultimately I decided not to move further with them. The latest role (life insurance agent) just didn’t feel like a good fit because from my understanding, I would have to get licensed, use my friends and families as an internal network of leads (which I don’t want to as I like to keep my professional and personal life separate), or buy leads which I don’t have the means to do. Getting licensed and working for just a few months before I eventually leave isn’t ideal either. Additionally the role is fully commission and as someone who is introverted, I wasn’t sure I would be able to make much if I wasn’t planning on staying for more than a few months. Not only that but the round 1 interview didn’t really feel… good. It felt unprofessional and mostly my interviewer was boasting about the company’s reputation and how much their top earners are making, and I was cut off twice when trying to ask a question which I didn’t even get to ask. I was excited at first because I wanted to learn sales, but it just didn’t seem worth it to me at the time, so I canceled the interview. So currently, I’ve been unemployed, and my family isn’t well off either. My family situation isn’t the greatest but they are not super super struggling. I’ve been trying to save up for a car because the cars we have are mileage capped so I can’t even really go anywhere I want to without feeling guilt.

Just yesterday, she sent me a post of a BOGO deal for boba. I was quite surprised because I had saw this a few days ago and was actually planning on surprising her even though I don’t have much money left. I asked her if she liked the drink and jokingly teased her by asking her if she sent the post to me because she wanted to buy it for us. She said the drink looks “okay,” and said “Do you always want me to buy things for you?” This seemed passive aggressive to me or maybe I’m just sensitive but i guess because it aligned with how she acted in the past. It’s true that she takes on more of the financial burden currently in our relationship and I’m grateful. But, she usually complains about it and uses it against me. The thing is, I don’t even remember the last time I asked her to buy me anything. I hardly ask her partially because I don’t feel safe to but also because I just don’t really “need” anything. I don’t even buy anything for myself or my family, and when I do, it’s always stuff on sale.

Her asking if i always want her to buy things for me hurts because she knows I’m unemployed and even when I only had a few hundred dollars left, I still offered to treat her for our anniversary. She always has the expectation that I should be paying for her and the thing is I’ve expressed to her I would love to, it’s just I’m not capable of doing that now, until I start my job. She then complains about how she wants to be spoiled and taken care of and how I can’t treat her. Even during the past months, I’ve still been buying her things every now and then. Yes it’s not very often but also it seems like I reject her a lot because she asks me very often. I’m torn because when I do get her things, she’s always so happy and smiles so brightly and she’s very grateful. But then she also doesn’t understand my perspective and calls me lazy, saying I don’t want to work, how she doesn’t see a future with me anymore, and how this isn’t how she wants to live her life. But then when we communicate that, sometimes she tells me she sees I’m trying my best and she’s willing to wait. It’s contradicting and I don’t really understand. She also blames me for picking and choosing the type of job I get bc I didn’t move on with the 2 previous interviews I had and proceeds to claim that she heard on social media that “people said when a guy really loves you, he will focus on his career,” and that “ if you really care for me, you would do it (the jobs).” And she also said “if you really want to take care of me you would have tried working other job.” Idk why but typing this all out seems childish now and as if I’m getting hurt over nothing. She’s also asked me “What’s the point of getting out of school early if you’re just staying home not making money.” I don’t really know what to feel. I felt burnt out at one point and when I told her, she told me “what is even there for you to be burnt out about, you don’t do anything. If you had school or work yeah that makes sense.” But the thing is I was feeling a bit burnt out before, when I was still in uni and seeing such little support also contributed to that mental load.

It really hurts to see all the comparisons she makes with people on social media because I never feel like I am enough. There’s this guy on TikTok who doordashes to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring and she even brought that up as her argument. I like his videos but now have that empty feeling whenever I scroll past his videos. Now the part that hurts the most is the very next day, she shared with me that her dad’s wife asked my gf if she could buy her boba bc she is craving it, and she ordered one for her dad’s wife and her brother. Seriously? Right after just getting upset by me teasing her if she would get that for us? And the one for us is on sale too lol. And then she told me she would get the BOGO for us, but I just don’t really feel special or happy. It just reminded me of how in the past, we were talking about our budgets for birthday gifts. She said her budget went down to $100 and I was curious so I asked why because she had recently started a job in public accounting a few months prior and it makes decent money. She was complaining to me saying how she didn’t have money and is so stressed and I was like okay that’s fair no worries. Then the very next day, she just went and treated her whole family to boba. Doesn’t that just contradict the whole, “I don’t have money” narrative? Recently she also just bought an Apple Watch and AirPods for her dad for his birthday, worth around like $800, and she also told me she didn’t have much money left. I mean, I don’t really ask her for anything, but it hurts seeing her pick and choose who is a priority in her life and who isn’t. Whenever I bring these issues up to her, she gets mad and yells at me about how I compare to her family and she hates that. But how do I express my feelings in these scenarios without comparing to show her my perspective? Even when I had those interviews, I hesitated telling her because I wasn’t sure how she would react. It kinda breaks my heart that I sometimes feel hesitant to share a happy moment in my life.

Even last Friday, my parents wanted to go eat at this restaurant for lunch. I told my gf in advance and updated her a bit. I told her when I was heading there and took pictures for her because she loves that, I told her where I was headed after and all the grocery stores we went to and whatnot. When I got home, it was about 4:30pm and my gf and I had plans that were pre-established. I quickly showered and told her when I finished and she self sabotaged by saying that I should just stay home and rest and she also wants to rest. I said okay but was disappointed because I was looking forward to it, and then she lost it. She got mad that I didn’t ask her if we could please go and to tell her I want to go, and how she felt left out because I didn’t invite her to go with my family even though I knew she had work but an invite wouldn’t hurt. I told her I understand she said we can talk in person and asked her about 8 times if we could please talk in person. She refused and told me she wanted to break up, just like that and kept telling me to leave her alone. She later ignored my calls and texts until after I basically texted the 10th time after being ignored the next day. After that, she would just ignore me and reply every few hours. Typically I wouldn’t reply anymore but because she has this habit of self sabotaging. It’s honestly really draining because after I kept reaching out and trying to ask her to not be cold and be sweet, she just refused and I eventually told her I felt really demotivated because I had been trying my best but it doesn’t seem like it’s working. She just told me that she never asked me to try and that I can give up, she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I understand what hurt her and how she felt excluded and not important but I don’t really understand how this even compares to the pain that I’ve been feeling. How she spent $800 for her dad’s birthday gift. How she frequently complains to me about money and frequently asks me to buy her stuff and when I tell her I don’t have money, she gets mad and says she wants to be spoiled. She doesn’t ask for anything out of the ordinary like fancy bags or designer clothes but she does ask me for a lot of food and it feels like it adds up especially when I have no income coming in.

We also argue quite a bit about sex. I’m relatively hypersexual and my gf doesn’t really seem interested in me anymore. She always says she still wants me but hardly flirts or initiates. We have sex about once a month or every two months and have oral once every two weeks on average. A lot of the time I get rejected and I slowly lose the urge to initiate anymore because even when we do it, it feels like a chore to her. I don’t feel desired or wanted the same way I desire and want her. And over time, it has slowly made me feel more ugly and insecure. And I can’t bring this up either because she would tell me that’s all I talk about or she feels like I only love her for her body because I don’t buy her things whenever she asks me.

I guess the big issue is I don’t feel as important or special to her as her family even when they don’t treat her well and are emotionally abusive. It just feels like they have all her love just because of their blood relationship. I don’t feel like I have that same level of love. She isn’t as patient and understanding with me, she isn’t as respectful to me, she doesn’t spend as much time with me, she doesn’t reply to me as fast as she does to them, she seems more open to spend money on them than me. I don’t feel like I am lovable as a man unless I have money to give. I feel unwanted, undesirable , and unloved. I used to be pretty confident that I was a good partner. I was patient, understanding, id always hold her and listen to her about her problems, I would do acts of service for her like warm her food up when we were at school, I’d always save the food pieces of food for her, i would take her car to the shop when she asked, id provide incentives for her to do well on her exams, I felt like I tried. But slowly I’ve been having a hard time thinking of why she’s even with me. If I’m as horrible as she says I am, why be with me? I thought I was a decent partner but I’m slowly starting to be gaslit into thinking I’m horrible.

My gf 22F and I 21M are both in our early 20s. Our sex life has never been the most “active,” but it’s gotten worse ever since she started her job in public accounting. I know this industry is not only stressful but very tiring, so I can understand that. We have sex (penetration) about once a month or once every two months right after her period ends. Even though we use protection and pull out, she doesn’t fully feel comfortable doing it at any other time besides immediately after her period ends. I never want to force her into anything, but I’m not sure how to reassure her about this.

Even then, that isn’t my biggest issue. We still have oral sex every now and then, maybe once a week or once every two weeks on average and we see each other about 2-4 times a week for a little bit after work. I think I might be hypersexual because on 90% of those days, I’m craving her, but we rarely get intimate. Maybe I’m overthinking it a little but she hardly seems enthusiastic about it and it seems like a chore when we have any type of sex. She always feels bad for rejecting me, and I feel like I’ve lost hope. The reasons she gives sometimes don’t fully make sense to me. Like she is deathly afraid of her family finding out she has a partner and feels like if she stays out too late after work, they might be suspicious. She’s even brought up how her dad tells her uncle she gets home late from work… I just don’t get why that is an issue. Also, she is mostly always tired and while I understand and have been there, I feel like more than once a week isn’t unreasonable to ask for.

I’ll see posts or comments of people talking about how they get intimate once or even multiple times a day, and honestly I feel jealous and unwanted. Most of the time she rejects me because she doesn’t feel like it or is tired, and I understand that but sometimes I just wish I was desired the same way I desire her. I’ve started to feel unwanted, unloved, and insecure about my body. And if I bring it up, she says she feels like I only love her for her body, so I don’t know how to bring it up anymore. I genuinely do love this girl, I want to make things work with her and I care about her deeply.