Avoidant girlfriend (27F) making me (29M) feel dejected and heartbroken
Hello. My girlfriend and I have been together a bit over a month. About a week into dating she had me take this attachment style quiz and told me she’s an avoidant. After doing some research on what that means and watching her behavior over the last few weeks I’ve become seriously worried.
The beginning of the relationship moved very quickly, and she used to say things like “I’ve never done X so fast before” or “you’re the first guy I’ve ever had meet these friends”. She said she’d never meet a partners parents until at least 6 months in, but then asked to meet my mom after 2 weeks (she did). She also communicated to me some pretty severe trauma from her childhood that she’s only ever told to her best friend, the boyfriend in her longest relationship, and me.
She describes herself as “emotionally frustrated” or I guess bottled up and that she has difficulty expressing her feelings. I’m fairly secure if not slightly anxious attachment style and I have been pouring into this relationship, reassuring her and trying to make her feel at ease. I told her I’m fine moving slowly and that I’ll wait for her to become comfortable opening up to me fully.
Three weeks in we had an argument where she called me a loser and accused me of acting in certain ways just to appease her, that essentially I’m being fake to make her like me. It’s like she’s paranoid that I’m tricking or manipulating her somehow when I’m being thoughtful and caring? It’s things like “you’re just saying that because you know it’ll make me happy”. We also share many of the same hobbies but she’s convinced I’m doing them just to earn her favor..?
At this point I would even describe her as somewhat selfish, mean, and generally cold. There’s moments where she’s very affectionate and sweet, and I can tell she’s making an effort to express her feelings for me. On the whole though, things aren’t great. When I brought up to her that it’s been one month since we started dating, she responded “oh a month? I don’t really care about that”. Made me feel like an ass for even saying anything.
It’s like I’m patronized for expressing my emotions. Recently each time we hangout I’m left feeling somewhat heartbroken even if we spend quality time together. I don’t expect anything excessive after only a month, but it feels like such a switch up from the beginning. I know that’s characteristic avoidant behavior, and I’m trying to just ride it out. How do I tolerate this for the time being while still taking care of myself?