Talking out loud to myself way too much
32, Black Female, 5'2, 145lbs, 10 years of complaint, Meds: Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Adderall, Diagnosed Depression, Anxiety, ADHD
My concerns are best described in scenarios:
Holding arguments out loud with people I've known in the past or through pop culture about politics, culture, etc. I am always the victor and display a level of confidence I don't actually possess in normal life. I sometimes voice out the opposing argument, and then also offer the rebuttal. I am not hearing voices though; I'm literally just arguing with myself with the intent to ridicule the opposing argument.
As I exist in my home alone, I often pretend there are other people there watching me. Not as if I'm physically seeing a person but more like pantomiming how I would act if they were around. Example: Pretending that I'm dancing in front of someone I'm attracted to at a concert. The person is behind me watching and thinks the world of me. All of this happens while I know I'm alone, and that what I'm doing is not normal, but it makes me feel really good in the moment.
Other times, I'm prone to pretending I'm around a group of people I admire and having conversations that I want to have with them. Sometimes, I'll see something online, and map out how I would relay that topic to someone I know. I'll literally rehearse every word, anticipate what the other person would say, and practice over and over and over again until I reach the perfect joke or the most clever retort. I can do this, and the above scenarios listed above, for hours on end.
Tangentially related, I have a major issue with racing thoughts or intrusive thoughts. I can never not be thinking about nothing. Even while I'm reading, I'm either singing a song in my head, or thinking of an incident from years ago or five minutes ago. And when doing normal thing (walking down the street, grocery shopping, taking the bus), I often imagine that I'm either being observed negatively by "someone" watching me, or I'm behaving very gracefully as if to impress someone I am sure is admiring me from afar. And when I'm walking down the street, I specifically feel that everyone is watching how I walk and judging it negatively. So I mentally have to go through all the steps of walking gracefully. In my head, I check off these boxes: 1)extend leg, 2)don't forget to sway hips naturally, 3)keep your head high, and 4)don't swing your arms weirdly. It's gotten to the point where I will fill a purse with unnecessary heavy things I don't need because I only feel normal walking down the street if my bag looks and is so heavy that it explains why I'm walking the way I am.
I lead a fairly normal life. No one I know would ever guess that I suffer from any mental illness. I am a professional, college grad, and all of my colleagues have at one point or another described me as the funniest person, and mentioned how "put together " I am (i.e. wear makeup and have a keen sense of style).
What would you tell me if I was your patient? I appreciate this sub so much for being the only place I can actually be honest about this. Thank you.