AITA-for leaving after my x cheated
I was with “Ghost” for about 7years. We had lots of ups and downs during this time and a child was conceived in the mix of everything.
Before we started to date, the way we got together wasn’t a normal dating scene. We each had an ex’s whom weren’t meeting our needs, hiding things from us and emotionally withdrawing and we both tried to mend our relationships but it didn’t work out. In the end Ghost and I were able to fill in for each other and provide safety, friendship and then romance.
I will be the first to say I am not perfect as I did try to leave him several times, particularly because I felt at times I was never good enough for someone to be so kind in the way he was to me and I felt I didn’t deserve it. Mainly this came from trauma growing up and past crap relationships.
During my pregnancy ghost was a little to comfortable with this gal I will call “Ashley”, he was sharing vapes, bringing her food to work and it made me very uncomfortable especially knowing I was pregnant. I told him that she was coming off super flirtatious and so was he when they were together and asked him to stop talking to her..Ashley randomly stops by the house one day after our child was maybe about 18-24mths old, while I was working and our cameras were off.. I was not happy. I asked him why the cameras were off and what was she doing in our home. He said she just came to talk, and to be honest I didn’t believe him then.
Issues at home: I would ask ghost to do something like “can you wash the dishes today”.. just emotionally drained me as it would take him days to do this. .. then I would feel the need to become hyper independent and do them and other task myself as I would get tired of asking and seeing dirty dishes in the sink.
Before you ask, yes Ghost and I both worked. He worked longer shifts because of his job, when I worked more during the week among. Ghost has ADHD as well.
After so many years of this going on and losing myself more more.. I completely lost interest in ghost.. not just physically, but romantically.
We would fight and I would want to leave. No one wants to fight with someone they love constantly. We calmed down and tried to work things out. I felt I was doing a lot of it for our child and the love I knew I still had.
I went back to school and ghost was able to get his work schedule to fit my class schedule. Which I was appreciative of.
Everyday, I was having to call and make sure ghost and our child was up for school. I did this everyday on my way to my classes and to my clinical rotations. This became mentally taxing as I felt like I was being a walking talking calendar to a grown man.
No one signs up to be a mother to a grown man and have to remind him of appointments, yet alone getting a child ready for school.
He would get upset bc I would go to bed early on nights I had to drive a hour or hour n a half to school/clinicals.
One day I told him I didn’t love him anymore. I was very mentally and physically tired and numb to feelings. Between losing my best friend who was my dog and a very special aunt.. I became sad and depressed for a while.
I even told him if he wasn’t getting what he needed from me to go elsewhere.. ( this was said bc I again felt like I wasn’t enough and after constantly nagging him as he said.. I’d have rather been alone then to live in fight or flight mode with him).I didn’t say it as a challenge. It was said bc I was tired of sex being brought up when school was 4 days a week, work was 2 and the single day I had off I spent running medical appointments, groceries and doing whatever around the house so he could relax when he came home. Yes, we had sex but not often.
Update to why I left.
- I only found this out bc of a legal document ghost received and when he showed me he kept saying he was going to tell me but he didn’t want me to drop out of school.
He had been cheating on me while I was finishing school, taking care of our child with autism, and our home. I found out he cheated near my last midterms and shortly around our anniversary.
He expected me to just get back with him..
Once, I got ahold of his phone as ghost was in jail. I found conversations and pictures of females going back to a year or so after our child was born.
His tinder page and such.
Then I was informed that he and Ashley were flirtatious when he was with the gf prior to me. Which he denied but several employees he worked with seen it.
Once he was out of jail, I secured a new place and our child stays with me unless it’s work days then our child is with him.
Since moving, after a big fight around my birthday bc ghost was mad I sent my chesticles to the man I’m dating now while he was in jail.i made it clear I was done with him after he received that legal document. To him my chesticles and going on “dates” for food and conversation ( I paid for the meals of these dates) was bigger than him cheating on me.
Smdh
I know I am the a**hole for trying to leave multiple times. I felt things were supposed to get better after every argument/ fight and they didn’t. My depression has been getting better as my nervous system is working its way out of fight/flight mode.
Ghost isn’t a bad dad, he blames me for a lot of what happen. How he got into this space, how I didn’t make him feel good enough about himself and more.
But I felt after the cheating it was time to leave, so would that make me the a**hole?