u/Healthy_Ocelot_7524

All i’ve been thinking of for the past month is my body and it’s been driving me to suicidal thoughts and exploring methods.

im truly just at a loss with myself. When I was skinnier I was called disgusting looking and now that I’ve gained weight I still look disgusting and just as thin as I did before. I’ve gained 10kg from my lowest weight and 7-8kg from the weight I was the most during my ED

i just don’t know what to do anymore I to change and I just end up getting even worse and it disgusts me to see.
Theres stuff that i physically cannot change and will be there forever.

I’ve delt with thoughts like this before but ultimately decided that i wont go through with them until im older (so no need to worry about that)

I just dont know what to do at all im terrified of being intimate and afraid ill just be alone forever because of my body. The worst part is i can see everything thats wrong with me it’s not just body dysmorphia but a lot of them are just my genetics which I cant change this is causing me so much distress I dont know what to do at all.

My preoccupation with my body has completely taken over my life and is ruining it. I spend hours searching for “ideal” bodies I want to look like, then making plan after plan to try to achieve them. Every free moment I get, I measure my body. I weigh myself twice a day, and whenever the number on the scale changes, I feel stressed for the rest of the day.

The problem is that I have extremely important exams in three weeks, but I spend most of my days and nights obsessing over this instead of studying. I don’t know how to stop. I’ve been fixated on my body for so long that hating it feels more comfortable than loving it.

Even just a temporary way to cope until my exams are over would help. When I try not to measure myself, I get extremely anxious and end up crying. I’ve deleted social media and tried to avoid comparisons, which has helped a little, but the images and comparisons still feel burned into my brain.

If anyone has advice for calming the anxiety and sadness, even for a little while, I’d really appreciate it.

I was talking to one of my closest friends and i mentioned that I had gained some weight and her reply was that she was glad and that she thought I was disgusting before. This happened a few months ago but I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve struggled with body image since I was 10(i’m 17 now) and she knows this she even knows I struggled with a restrictive ED. I opened up to her a little about my body image and she comforted me and told me I look fine, that was before I gained It’s been stuck in my mind because i’m realising she must have lied to me before when she was comforting me. I always thought my body was disgusting but I’ve never had any proof so part of me thought it was just so scared of my weight dropping again or even fluctuating i’m become more obsessive with my body (weighing myself twice a day everyday, measuring my body any time i can, body checking)
I just want this all to stop idk why I was cursed to be like this. I haven’t told anyone about this because I feel so embarrassed because what if they’re all thinking the same

Edit: I meant to say disgusting not disguising