u/Heavy-Mushroom

When hypomanic, I lay in bed with my eyes closed and I can see a dancing kaleidoscope show going through my mind and not being able to sleep. Sometimes it’s pixelated shapes made of led lights that are dancing to a beat.

And if I open my eyes, I can still see it in the dark room. Or in the moonless night sky if Im outside. Matter of fact, during the day when it’s lit, I can see parts of it only in the shadows or where ever there is an unlit dark spot like in between objects.

This makes driving at night very difficult after dark till the sun rises.

One time when I was 8, I had the same sort of thing with pirates, tv characters and such. I thought it was a nightmare and I was scared, but someone told me that people can’t see nightmares with their eyes open, so it had to be a hallucination. Idk.

I also have DID, tinnitus, low spectrum autism- so it’s never quiet in my head. I’ve also taken a bunch of lsd back in the 90’s which might of scrambled the pictures, lol.

Does anyone else experience this?

We’re a walking contradiction with parts of opposing ideas, philosophies and values.

As a singleton we come across as flakey, flip floppy, indecisive, mind changing, unstable, inconsistent, contradictory, and as a liar at times.

We’ve written more posts than responded to and 99% of them gets deleted because another didn’t like what was written.

This post might stay, but I doubt it- only time will tell.

Do you often find yourselves at odds with yourselves and how do you handle it? Do you redo what you did to do it all over again… or just give in and walk away. I think we’re the walk away kind.

We’ve the type that don’t want to raise attention, be embarrassed or ashamed while others here are bold and unabashed.

We can be self-sabotaging: so as a system we play it safe to not be seen or heard, but yet be solid.

This may sound crazy, but from day one from the moment it begun 50 years ago at the young body age of 8, I remember when and how I became because even then at that moment I was like wtf.

It was black with a pinpoint of light that rushed at me growing rapidly like coming out of a dark tunnel. Sound was like a vinyl record on a turntable just starting with the needle on the record picking up speed. Then bam- full reality in the day of conscious life.

I was standing beside (it seems) in mind with a young boy in a Best Western motel lobby in 1975 staring at a time clock on a shelf. He was fascinated with the mechanical whirring and clicking sounds that the clock was making and he was think talking that he wanted to take it apart to see how it works. Yes… our job is to fix just about anything today, build a house and repair machinery. Go figure, lol.

I’ve been out ever since and have completely no memory of what happened prior to that moment. I will never forget it.

Has any other person part experienced this type of awakening or something different? I’m just curious to know.
Thanks.

Like I hate pictures of me and mirrors.

But my shadow goes wherever I go and mirrors don’t. It is a constant reminder that the body and me aren’t the same.

The shape is wrong and very unsettling. You know what I mean. :’(

When meeting people and you happen to mention or talk about DID/OSDD at first if you do… what is their instant reaction and consequent attitude and demeanor afterwards?

Do you feel judged, feel like the person is amused, or feel what?

We are a secret system that stays hidden by not broaching the subject out of fears of being ridiculed and judged, laughed at and teased, and being isolated and rejected- that’s basically how we grew up and are used to over exhibiting abused behavior and physical traits.

This is one of the reasons why for 38 years we’ve stayed silent and not seeked therapy, even when we finally could.

Some systems seem to freely talk about it, exposing their inner private selves unashamedly with confidence while other systems are like ours.

To those that do talk about it, how is the end result? Are they sympathetic to your situation, compassionate or down play your condition as it being all in your head nonsense like?

How do you feel afterwards?

I’ve often wondered what would happen if we were that free- would it of been beneficial, painful, satisfying, or what? I just don’t know. Would life have been totally different?

Thanks for your replies.

Time before last I was in a depressed non thinking stare at the phone screen state for several days.

Saw Pdoc and got smallest dose anti-d can get.

Past few days I couldn’t speak much, but was able to do things and take care of business.

Good enough.

CM, SA

Hi, the body is 58 to start with. I just want to let this out for I don’t know anyone to talk to about it, so please read if you want or not. It’s just about possibly discovering why I am the way I am.

When I came to, it was like popping out of nothing into existence. There was a quick rush of light and sound to then I found myself standing inside a body in a motel lobby staring at a whirring and clicking time clock.

Another part in head was fascinated with it saying that he wanted to take it apart to see how it works: my very first memory.

I just learned that I was four years at that time visiting my grandparents motel that they were managing. Even since then I knew that there were others because of the constant head comments, but as a child: it was normal and surely this is how all people are, so I never thought twice about it till my teen years.

It wasn’t to this year that I started learning about the family secret of my grandfather being a child molesting pedophile from my younger sister who said that he said bad things to her. A few “shhhh” early stories about it I won’t go into.

My cousin also young then did get damaged and is suffering from it badly today. My father must of been badly treated because he beat me up often and acted as if he hated me till I moved out.

I always wondered why my memory began right then and there in the lobby and nothing before that… did something bad happened that caused a split that I have no knowledge about?

Could it be….?

Questions that will go unanswered of things that I want to know nothing about or at least remember. Is this suspected blocked memory possibly the root cause of me having multiple parts?

There was something that happened before the light happened, for the abuse I was to then go on and endure for the next 14 years at the hands of my parents was just ice cream with the cake that further caused poly fragmentation.

At this age, it really has no bearing on my psychological state and it doesn’t really affect me any. They are long dead and the family shame has been exposed which I feel unaffected by.

It’s just that question that I’m guessing that some people with DID have: how did I get this way? What has happened to me to cause this- the root cause?

There is no way to be certain and nothing to mention to others, but I’m beginning to think that I’ve found my answer.

Thanks for reading if you have.

I’m quiet in a state of shock right now, I can barely speak. We had a young teenage girl take over and went driving to the store and nobody stepped up and stopped her.

She was so excited and happy, and her voice is reverberating in my head and I feel sick. This isn’t suppose to happen this way.

I’ve been talking up a storm and all of a sudden we went left face. I guess it still can happen as much as we try to prevent it, rogue alters can still come out. At least that it went well.

Her energy and vibe is so hard on us older and mature parts that now we feel like we just came out of a tornado all shell shocked and blown away. It was a total out of nowhere surprise and now I can barely physically talk, just write.

It definitely was an eye opener that we still can get that way, spending years on cruise control and then suddenly bam- the throttle got stuck wide open.

I’ve got a feeling she’ll show again, especially now that she got to drive- something to guard against.

It’s just one of things that we of this particular frame of mind have to contend with…. I’ll be okay. I should be fine in the morning as long as the others don’t keep me up past my bed time drinking like they usually do.

Thanks.

OMG… I just got to go driving!!! It was exhilarating! I got to go to the store to pick up our prescription (which I’ve never done before) and drive around town! I was wondering why the outside looked so fresh and new like I’ve never seen it before.

The guys, I don’t know why they didn’t show up to drive, after all it’s their job. But anyways, it was so much fun. I did okay, I kept hearing that we were a professional licensed driver so I drove extra careful under the speed limit. I didn’t want to get pulled over. The car felt so big.

The hardest part though was trying to walk like the body- it was hard so much that I quickly left and got back in the car. I didn’t want to be seen or noticed because I wouldn’t know what to do!

One of our rules is that we have to be like the body. I’m just not a good actor and it felt really weird and I think I almost got it right.

I hope I get to do this more often. Maybe I can do a better job and stay out more often.

I just had to tell somebody, thanks for listening! Bye!

Is why I’m on here so much, this and a few bipolar subs. We also pass the time (years) for our entire system plays the same phone RPG war game, taking turns.

We just received a CDL from a few months of sporadic training to drive a school bus that starts in the fall, so a split shift with possibly a lunch time job totaling most of the day- going to be busy!

Hope everyone’s having a wonderful day. The sun is shining and bright and fresh to begin. Take care!

Good luck! :)

Edit- wrong Caps. BD

Years ago at 35, I went into a poor man’s shrink office cause wife said I had a mood problem, dude loaded me up on anti-depressants. Off to the races.

Months after that wife said I looked like I was on amphetamines (which I did like), so I went back and told the shrink that I’m bipolar. So he wrote BD1 on my chart and I started on stabilizers which then after a few experiments and tweaks- I’m fine.

Now years later, I’m still labeled that and still is medicated doing fine with more tweaks in between. I have always paid cash, so the label didn’t matter to me because labels are just assignments and for insurance purposes.

I still don’t care because all that matters to me is the treatment. The end.

Oh- point being no need to get hung up on the alphabet.

To those that have both, does your mood swings trigger out alters that exist in that emotional state?

When depression hits, the depressed hurt parts surface and I’m more likely to find evidence of SH and crying fits. It sucks to be sobbing watching and not know why.

Same with manic symptoms, All kinds of parts front and go with the manic flow doing what they enjoy which are things that are so out of character for me. All kinds of packages show up at the front door of stuff I’d never buy.

Switching seems to hit harder when manic and subtlety less when depressed because who likes to be depressed?

Sometimes the line between both disorders are hard to distinguish and I get lost in the MI.

It’s gotten to where I gave up on reading books because it takes forever. I’ll start a chapter and by the middle of the first paragraph I tend to go into a daze.

When I look at where the bookmark is later… It’s like a chapter or two away and I have to go back to where I last remember reading in the first paragraph to do it over again.

Reading some of these posts that are longer than a few paragraphs do me the same way (sorry). By the time I’ve read half the post, I’ve lost the reason or meaning of what I was reading- or stop reading and go with what I remember.

Hopefully this sheds light on why my replies are way off the mark sometimes. All the words crammed into one paragraph seems to confuse me, that’s why I separate sentences.

It makes me think that I might have ADD. I can’t stand to watch a full length movie because of the same.

Anyone avid readers that can enjoy a good read? I so miss reading… I used to get immersed in it when I was in school 40 years ago.

Is it because of age maybe?

Coughing, congested, wheezing, sore throat, headache, hacking, and oozing chest cold. Also tired, dazed and to a point dissociated.

Parts keep surfacing griping about how sick we are. Thanks for the update insiders as I’m on the outside dealing with it.

With the brain fog it seems parts are having an easier time of voicing their opinions about anything. We’ve been switching in and out all day. I guess the energy and will just isn’t there to resist.

We tried to take mum (84) grocery shopping and we normally walk along side her, but the guys said they were too sick for this (which we are) and we went back and sat in the car waiting for her.

Day 3 and I heard that this is going around the area. Eyes are half shut and need to snooze it. Ciao.

Spent the better part last week bouncing around, but not hypo. Even my school bus trainer said I seem nervous- which I wasn’t.

I’m also not telling them that I’m bipolar. Today… I just want to go back to bed- no zip to it. It’s my down period and the 10 mg Prozac is stopping me from going deep and dark.

Another part made this account and picked it years ago. I want to make another account, because they won’t let me change my name here. I’m not heavy and I don’t look like a mushroom.

Can we make sub accounts under this account? I’d hate to ruin all their hard work even though it’s probably just a bunch of nothing.

Doctors ask me why I have high blood pressure and how long have I had it- what do I say? Idk and probably forever since I’ve heard about it years ago.

Anyone having BP problems?

I’ve bought a BP monitor because I had to get my BP down to pass a DOT medical certification. It was averaging 155/83 and peaking to 167/81 (stage 2 hypertension). Finally on 40 mg Lisinopril I was able to get to a low of 125/72 ish (elevated) where 130 is the cut off line to pass with a 1 year re-cert.

We are actually in good shape for 58, always having to do something. We exercise some (hard to with blown knees and joints), has always been fit to do lifting and bike riding and am not fat. I don’t eat out, no fast food, greasy foods, cut the salt, no candy or sweet breads. I basically eat proteins like white meats and vegetables only. Of course we gots to have beer, but no liquor.

I thought about it: can it be the stress of having multiple personalities, some in conflict with each other? The stress and hangover of childhood trauma and abuse till I was 18? Maybe the hypomania of bipolar adds to it?

There are times when 2 alters of different feel and emotions are triggered and try to present at the same time, causing me to have hard chest pressure and stress like being strained.

I swear and predict that I will die of a heart attack in the not too distant future if this keeps up. Because of all this we try to maintain a calm mental state and to not get agitated or too excited.

I also experience tachycardia when the heart starts to race even though I’m just sitting at a table reading. I’ve tached out at 165 bpm of which I have to then do calming techniques to bring myself down.

Also the other day just sitting there my watch started beeping like crazy when my heartbeat rate dropped to 47 bpm (average 65) of which I then got up and started moving around to get the heart pumping. I got a smart watch to mainly monitor my heart and when exercising to not exceed the max for my age and weight.

Because of no cause that doctors can find from blood work, heart tests and a physical to account for HBP, I heavily suspect it’s because of DID.

What can you do?

I hope this isn’t delete worthy because the title won’t let me use the word ‘multiplicity’.

Who else is comfortable living as a multiple- as an alternative to integration? For there are those such as myself that integration is improbable if not impossible.

It’s like we don’t even think of it for the most part, working together while living each day moment to moment while relying on each part to do their task without fanfare and recognition.

The only time that DID comes to mind is when I started coming on this part of Reddit of which I’m beginning to feel that it might just be a little too much.

Of course there are other others that bewail and hate this, but for the most part the system is stable and happy as long as we keep taking our bipolar meds. It took years (58) of finally working together to reach this point.

The memory is a blank, so we figure that the only real option is to putting the system first, getting along, supporting each other, comfort the hurting, cover each other, stay hidden for safety reasons, do our individual best for the good of the system, maintain financial freedom, take care of our body by diet and exercise, let parts have their time out and hobbies, be ourselves, don’t embarrass the body, always be honest (can’t remember lies), share, try to not trigger out the Angry One and maintaining a calm disposition, not over indulge on alcohol consumption: self control is a must, stay out of the limelight- doing whatever it takes to promote peace, happiness and harmony within the system environment.

Want amazing shock? Look up your body in a school yearbook.

I was looking into HS class sizes online for a response, so I grabbed 1986 as a year that I was attending school and my old high school name. Turns out that was my senior year there, so I looked up my name and actually found the picture.

I did not recognize the person in the picture. I stared for recognition: none. It was actually a shitty time in my life, the time from when I was born till I was 18. “I” didn’t look happy while pictures of forgotten classmates all had smiles and grins on their faces.

I imagined a made up personality for this face that had the body’s name below it that would seem to fit it- but it was far from what was actually me.

I’m now sad of a lot of things: what was, what happened, and everything since.

Made a post earlier about seeing the pdoc after cutting my med dose in half because I was cycling hard- she took it rather well. No ‘WHAT??!’ Or ‘okaaaaaay…”…

I explained to her what was happening, explained to her how my cycles roll (3-4 days up, flat a few days, 3-4 days down, flat a few days) she said I was very cyclic.

Now after the dose reduction, my baseline is instead of zero (calm and ok) it’s like -2 on the depression side with manic instead of coming out high- it’s a mixed episode.

I requested a small dose of anti-d to raise my baseline without going hypo. She’s agreed. It helped letting her know that years ago that I was on the same regimen.

She said she was so glad that I knew myself which makes her day easier. I’m such an easy client.

Of course this requires a 30 day follow up which I don’t think I need which is $$$ in her pocket- oh well… anything for a better day.