I hate my life
I'm sorry for this post. It feels like self pity but i just need to get it out. I hate my life. I hate my life so much. I realised a few years ago, at a breaking point that my family is narcissistic. It came to a breaking point when they kept trying to convince me to quit my job because i was a failure. I've since cut contact, moved away - had the therepy and am trying to get on and live my life - except i am completly alone. How are you supposed to move forward and live life completely on your own.
I have friends , am trying to make friends and expand my support network and social circle - but even they have their own lives. I'm trying to date - but years of being controlled and isolated have left me with very little dating and sexual experience. Things most people work through in their late teens/20s - i'm now trying to do in my 30's. Who would want to date me - i come with such baggage and feel like a disaster.
I was also molested by my parent but in my head- it was just cuddling - for a long time - but it's made me significantly wary of men in intimate situations and my body just freezes. I would love to just go on tinder and hook up but what i really want is someone i can feel safe with -- but i can't imagine any normal man wanting me- i'm so embarrased and ashamed - for what life has done to me. When i cut contact i nearly became unemployed and had to stop working/ had a complete breakdown - so it's taken me some years to get back to a stage that i can work and support myself.
Now i've got a stable job, income , i'm buying my first house and i got a dog. I'm trying to do everything i can to move on - but i just feel so lost. everyone else is moving on with their lives and living normally - and i'm just here completely alone with my dog. I feel like my life has been completely taken away from me- and i'm just left to try pick up the pieces and move on.