u/Helpful_District3127

Guys this is going to a long one, but I need some honest judgement and be as blunt as possible. So, I 26M and my girlfriend 26F have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now and to say it has been rough, especially these last few months, would be the greatest understatement ever written.

To provide some context as to how things have gotten so bad, I met my girlfriend in 2019 and at first, everything was "fine". When I first met her, she was going through a lot, she was battling depression after her first boyfriend/ex-boyfriend passed away. To keep things short, this man was not good to her at all; however, I did not know that until at least a year later. So, in her grieving, in that moment, I just thought she was having a hard time with losing someone she loved. Oh, and btw he passed away 2 - 2.5 years prior to when I met her (not that grieving has a time limit), this is important because the way she explained it to me seemed like a lot of this happened recently. Nevertheless, I was able to bond with her because at that time I too had a friend if 10 years who recently passed away and I understood the pain and how lonely it was for me so, who I was at the time, I didn't want that pain for anyone so when I saw this was the case I initially just wanted to be there for her. And I know I know trauma bonding...but nevertheless in a few months that I had gotten to know her, I brought her back to like I literally took her from her lowest point in life and helped her turn a new leaf see the world in a different more positive perspective (also these are her words that she has expressed to me). And I didn't do this because I wanted thanks or because I saw her as a project, I just truly cared about her even without the promise of a relationship, I just wanted her to know she was cared for.

Once things became more familiar between us, we got comfortable with each other, and we stared to talk about past relationships. During this time, I felt like I could be open up with her and I told her about my ex and how I was cheated on...the whole nine, being too nice giving chances, etc. (you know the simp special). This is important because, as a man, with not the greatest self-esteem and not a ton of ppl in my circle to talk to, it is hard for me to be vulnerable in that way, but when I was around her, I felt like I could take my walls down and express...(or at least I thought). So, a few more months pass by and at this point it was safe to say that we are in a relationship, but around this time I also stated to notice some cracks (I couldn't prove anything at this point, but something just felt off). Something to know is, we are not from the same state, I met her in her state during my co-op internship. After the end of my first 4 months of my co-op we ended up sharing location, and I went back down to my state to continue school and we continued long distance.

Now here is where the cracks just became super evident to me. Before I went back down to my state, I noticed that when we were together, she would always be on her phone texting but angle it in such a way that I would not be able to see who. I remember one night we prank called friends and she was able to go into my phone and call my best friend no issues, but when it was time for me to use her phone the prank calls ended. I thought it was strange, but I didn't think too much on it. Then I went back down to my state and I noticed on find my she would always be at a specific house...no it was not her family's house, and this is when radars we going off, but I couldn't do anything about it short of drive 2hrs to her state and figure it out for myself and I was not going to do that. Then we were supposed to go snowtubing in her state and I was unable to make it due to exams and the second I had to raincheck with her she ended up getting mad at me and going with someone else (at the time I didnt know if it was a man or woman). And, finally in February I drove up to her state, again 2hrs and some change, for Valentines Day. She knew I was coming and had me wait 4 - 5 hours in my car at a park with no communication, and when I checked her location...you got it she was at that house I noticed from before...for the WHOLE 4-5 hours that I was waiting. At this point I knew she had to be cheating on me I just had no proof, so it was either crash out and look insecure and crazy or be right...both options sucked in my eyes at the time.

Now at this point in time a few months go by, and I go back up to her state for the second round of my co-op. I remember we had been at a park, and I decided to confront her kind of just shooting in the dark and I told her (jokingly) like who is the other guy she is seeing. When I say the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife, it was because the tension of I figured it out was evident. She confirmed it in the same joking manner, but she could see I was crush and after confirming it several times she rescinded it basically saying it was a joke. Yes, I believed it even if I knew that I was right, I chose to believe it because I had already been hurt by cheating and I couldn't go through it again so for a lack of better judgement I went with it and it would soon come to bite me in the ass. But I will say at this point I was beyond suspicious I just needed to confirm it and I soon would be able to. And just a quick side note in the 6-9 months that I had known her at that point she was always accusing me of having a wife and kid back in my state or basically not trusting me because I had to be living a double life. Like within the first few weeks of us talking this idea was something I had to deal with and "NO" I did not have a secret wife and kids back in my home state. But this is important to know because typically when someone projects like this 9 times out of 10 they are most likely doing it to you.

Maybe a month after that incident occurs, we decided to take a trip, and this is where everything falls apart. Leading up to that trip I basically had to piece together her phone password because she had full access to my phone but I couldn't even look at hers. The first day was good on our trip but I was still super aware that she would always keep her phone out of my eyesight, so on the second night of a 6-day trip I had pieced together her full password and that night I decided to get the answers I felt like I needed. And I assume you all already know...ding ding ding, I indeed was getting cheated on, from the day we met up until that night when I confirmed it myself. Not a single day missed not a single consideration of if it was wrong just straight cheating. When I found out, I am not going to lie it sent me back into the stone ages, it hurt so much more than the first time because I already was miserable, I already felt like I couldn't relate to any one and I thought that this one person loved me only to figure out that it was all a lie that love was something that could never be afforded to me. I thought that I could be truly loved enough...just enough not to be taken down this road by myself again. And to make matters worse I had 6 days left on this trip so I had to be there (for context we had to take a flight to our destination and was a broke college student, so it wasn't as easy as booking a new flight home).

Fast forward, trip is complete and like a clucking idiot I chose to stay...go ahead roast me in the comments. I know, I truly do know, a lot of what happens next is because I stayed and I took a worse situation and made it dire. But to my defense I was broken by this and pair that with low self-esteem and zero self-respect and you've got me. She tried to damage control and again the sweet nothings, but I shit you not the same day we got back to the states, and her sister picked us up from the airport she was back to texting this guy and hiding her phone from me. When we got back to her state, she was back at his house, the bullshit just didn't end for me. There is other stuff but to keep it short she never loved me and even if she can say she did she sure as hell never respected me.

Now fast forward a bit I decide to double down on the mistakes being made and we moved to a brand-new state together. For sake of time Ill speed run this part, but in a nutshell...she changed his contact name and continued to talk to him, I didn't like her during this period of time but was too afraid to be alone hoping in the promise that she might actually love me, Was told that her trauma was what caused this and that hurt ppl hurt ppl. Figured out that either she was cheating on me with him or I was being used so she could cheat on him (not a great feeling either way). Was essentially SA'd, forced to have nonconsensual relations and out of that came an abortion. And the one part that I will spend some time on is this she basically created the most unsafe space for me to ever express. Like I said it was already difficult to express, and she made it 1 a thousand-fold worse. it was this relentless cycle where because she said "I am sorry" that should have been enough for me to express to her; but the only issue was that the person that hurt me was the same person that would want me to express, I would be lured into a false sense of safety to express only for her to ALWAYS get upset about what it was that I was expressing causing me to shut down and not express anything to anyone. That whole period I had to deal with getting cheated on by my own. I also could not be upset with her for inflicting pain but also love her the same way all while still getting played. I literally had to drag myself out of hell on my own while the person that put me there continually tripped me up at every point on my way out. It was miserable.

Eventually she ended up leaving the other guy and it was only me (but that only happened because I called him and gave him his address and that put an end to that). Nevertheless, the damage had already been done, and I just couldn't trust her, but I also felt as if I couldn't leave nor did I know how to. Oh, and also the guy that she was cheating on me with was also not good to her, but here is me the one person that is good to her and this is the situation that I had to deal with, always coming in 3rd place to two men that beat her and actually mistreated her. And, I will say that her trauma was real so...

Now fast forward to more recent times and what actually caused me to write this post. So yeah, she never cheated on me after that last time but like I said the damage was already done and if I am being honest in my perspective in the 8 years that I have known her she has only recently started loving me. but before I get into that after everything that had happened, we had arguments (not about the situation but about relationship stuff some small and some not so) but the one thing became evident to me and it's she is always playing victim to everything and anything. So much so that it comes of as if I am not allowed to express and disdain with how she treats me...and in my life rn she is the meanest person to me and it doesn't compare. I realized that after the whole cheating situation she believes that she causes no issues and a lot of times she has a very hard time accepting the fact that who she thinks she is character wise is not who she is in real life and that is always and has always been shattering to her. Because she is not the person that she portrayed when we first met, that nice, sweet innocent girl she never acknowledges the fact that she hurts me. And it like because I know the hypocrisy in what she portrays a lot of times she gets to hurt me cry about it like I am the one that hurt her, manipulate the situation by telling me I don't love her and a lot of time straight up just gaslight me and rage bait me into some of the worst arguments possible. She doesn't realize that the same men that hurt her is who she now has become to me, and maybe it's not that she doesn't realize it, but she cannot believe that its true. Like we recently go into a disagreement, and she truly believes that she is the best thing for me, telling me things like "you won't be able to do any better" and "you'll see that after me it won't be as good". The amount of deflection to the problems and issues that I bring up to her is world record breaking. Before I just wasn't aware of what an abusive relationship looked like for me, because it's not a physical thing so for a long time it went over my head. Idk I am just tired guys, like I am honestly just so very tired. And not that I am perfect either and I hope this didn't come off like I am because I definitely have had my faults, but I have never hurt her in the same ways she hurts me or has hurt me. I never really asked for much, I just wanted someone to be nice to me and maybe just maybe even reciprocate a fraction of love that I give, I feel like a part of me died and a that remains is who I am today.

Anyways, I know that was long but that's my story and I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.