After 8 years of planning, we decided we were ready to have kids. Now my husband is saying he’s not sure he’s ready to lose his freedom and he’s not sure he wants to be a father after all.
My (30f) husband (34m Juniper) and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. We started as ENM, but transitioned to true polyamory around the same time we got officially married. We are each other's nesting/primary/anchor partner. We only plan to live with one another and only plan to share finances with one another (both our paychecks go into one account and we each get the same amount of “fun money” deposited into our solo accounts. We use that when we’re doing our hobbies or dating other people.) So obviously there’s a considerable amount of hierarchy built in from the start. I have one additional partner, Magnolia. Juniper has a long distance partner, Elm. And a partner who lives closer, Hawthorne. Each of these relationships was established 2+ years ago so it’s been a pretty steady time in our lives as far as dating goes and we maintain a generally KTP dynamic.
Juniper and I have known from the very beginning that we’ve wanted kids and we’ve planned for that for years. Every person I’ve dated in this time has been aware that this (Juniper and I having kids together) was my plan and I’ve even ended relationships because I saw the time was approaching and I felt overwhelmed at the idea of dating so many people and also becoming a mother soon. Juniper and I talk about becoming parents all the time. From the general “Man it would be so cool to coach a little league team, I wonder if our kids will want to play ball?” to hyper specific conversations like kids names and exactly what I would need from him while I was pregnant.
Finally, back in December we decided it was time. But I had some work to do. I started cutting back on caffeine. I got back into therapy and worked through my baggage. I scheduled with a new psychiatrist and started the process of transitioning to pregnancy safe mental health meds. When my meds, mental health, and substance use were in a good place I finally scheduled to get my birth control (arm implant) out. Juniper drove me to the appointment and held my hand the whole time. Making jokes about us as parents.
Well literally 2 days later we’re talking about kid stuff again (specifically what music and audiobooks we’d want to share with kids on car rides) and he drops a bomb: He’s not sure he wants to be a father. I was taken aback, but I did what I could to listen to what he was sharing without judgement. He mentioned he was afraid of losing his freedom. Like the freedom to have spontaneous dates if he has a day off. He mentioned how he already has a lot of responsibility in his life taking care of all his partners and keeping up with his elderly father. He even asked if I would divorce him if he didn’t want to have kids. I was honest but gentle. I told him in no uncertain terms that kids would be a part of my future, and that I wanted to stay married to him if possible but that deciding not to have kids with me would have a major impact on our future together, and left it at that. I did not mention the obvious - if he decided to change his plans for the future it would impact every part of our relationship from our romantic relationship to our finances and who we live with. I felt like going into those details was more likely to frighten him into making the decision because he was afraid of losing me, rather than because it was what he honestly wanted for himself. I was shocked and honestly devastated but I think I handled that conversation with grace and kindness.
The next morning he texted me saying he’d thought about it late into the night and the next morning he woke up 100% sure he wanted to have kids with me. That he’d never been more sure of anything in his life. I was hesitant but hopeful. We talked about his fears at our next relationship check in. At that he told me that his LDR relationship with Elm was on the rocks and might be ending soon. And that his partner, Hawthorne, had just started dating her ex (which he has no respect for) again because “she wants what we have in our marriage to one another”. Both things he normally would not share with me about those relationships but I kind of understood because he was explaining what kind of emotional state he was in. It did unfortunately change my perspective on Elm and I lost a lot of respect for her hearing how she’d treated him(this is why we don’t overshare about other partners folks!). That conversation ended with him saying he was 100% sure he wanted kids with me, he even swore on his mother’s grave. He just wasn’t ready right now.
I convinced him to get therapy set up for himself and we started looking into couples therapists (hard to find when you’re looking for someone poly friendly, even in a big city). A week or so later he’s texting me at work saying he’s been having hard feelings. I make time to step away and call him. He’s back to saying he’s not sure. He starts saying things like, “You deserve better than me.”, “I don’t want to waste any more of your time” “I have to look out for my own needs but I don’t want to drag you down with me.” At this point I’m thinking this man I’ve built my life around is gearing up to leave me. I ask him lots of questions and work on being empathetic. I lead with love, but I do share some of my own feelings too, like the whiplash of him going back and forth, how scary it is for my whole future to hang in the balance while he makes up his mind. The hurt of planning my whole life around this only for him to not think about it until it was real.
We talked about it more in person, and have continued talking about it in the week+ since then. Where he is now, he’s very apologetic. He knows I’m hurting but he’s still figuring things out for himself. He’s done a little research. He has therapy scheduled. We had a talk where we listed out some of his very specific fears. He made space for me to talk about how this is affecting me. He keeps trying to comfort me telling me “The goal is to get there” and that he’s confident he’ll decide he wants kids… but he hasn’t yet.
Where I’m at: Part of me feels hopeful, confident in him and in the future we’ve been planning for all these years, sure he’s just stressed and spiraling and needs some time. Another part of me is well aware that this is a consent issue. If there’s not 2 enthusiastic “Yes”s, then it’s a “No.” And that’s what it is right now. I’m terrified sitting here in limbo, I feel like my whole life is on pause. Do I keep taking my prenatal vitamins? What do I tell my sister (Neonatal nurse who was going to have lunch with me and talk about conception & pregnancy) and my friends with kids who I’ve been talking to about this before everything? The doctors? Do I go back on birth control? My BC of choice lasts 3 years so that’s a whole commitment. Parts of me are furious that he didn’t think about this before everything I did these past 5 months (and even well before that) to make it happen. Furious at all the things I’ve sacrificed for him and for this plan, that I’m quite literally willing to put my life on the line to make it happen and he’s afraid that he won’t go on as many dates. I feel scared and so vulnerable watching him wrestle with whether or not he wants the future we planned together. I’m tired and stressed and looking for any piece of advice, commiseration, stories of similar experiences. Literally anything to make me feel less alone and scared right now. I’ll even take the gut punch “divorce this man” that reddit is famous for.