Should I proceed with the divorce, or give it another chance?
Hey everyone, I am 29yo and mom to a 7 months old baby boy. I met my husband about two years ago and got married 4 months later, I want honest opinions from other mums because I genuinely don’t know anymore if I’m overreacting or not.
Before marriage and before having a baby, my husband was completely different. He was affectionate, patient, attentive, and emotionally present. I used to finish work at 2am sometimes, and he would still wait for me just to spend time together ,take me out. He was caring and involved.
After having our baby, his behaviour changed massively.
Since the baby was born:
• He started working 6–7 days a week and leaves almost all baby care to me day and night.
• He rarely wakes up during the night with the baby.
• I completely lost time for myself. No gym, no hair appointments, no nails, no basic self-care anymore.
• Even while exhausted from looking after the baby all day and night, there was still an expectation for intimacy at night as if nothing changed physically or mentally for me.
• Whenever I speak about wanting to return to work or build a new career later on, arguments start.
• I worked for 8 years before becoming a mum and always planned to continue progressing professionally.
• He repeatedly says that because he works “for the family,” I shouldn’t need to work for myself.
• When I explain that I also have goals and ambitions as a person, he says I should have done that before marriage or before having a child.
• He has implied that maybe I wasn’t ready to become a mother because I still want a career and independence.
• Recently, he has started picking big arguments over things like not waking up early to prepare him breakfast before work.
• During arguments, he says things like “be a wife,” “ask your family what a wife should be,” and compares me to “other women.”
• He says he doesn’t want our son going to nursery, but at the same time he runs a full-time business himself, which makes it difficult for me to realistically return to work.
• During arguments, he says things like “if you think the grass is greener elsewhere, go” or “if you think you can find someone better than me, go ahead.”
• Recently during an argument, he repeatedly shouted at me and called me “a piece of shit.”
• During hospital visits after birth, when I was crying, instead of comforting me he told me to “get your shit together before the nurses think something is wrong and take your son away.”
• After giving birth, when I was emotionally struggling and crying frequently, he often ignored it instead of sitting with me or supporting me.
• When I started therapy, he said I didn’t need therapy and refused involvement when the therapist wanted to speak to him.
• He also often turns conversations into long lectures about everything I’m doing wrong rather than discussing the issue itself.
About 10 days ago, we had a major argument which was the moment I finally said I had enough and mentioned separation/divorce for the first time.
Some of the things he said during that argument were:
• “There’s different levels to my anger.”
• “Before it goes to level two and it’s uncontrollable…”
• “You need to fix yourself before you can bring happiness to this house again.”
• “You’re being miserable, you’re making me miserable.”
• “Either fix yourself or set me free.”
• “Next time, learn how to treat your husband with respect.”
• “Rule number one is be respectful to your husband.”
• “Be caring to your husband, look out for your husband.”
• “You don’t even ask me for breakfast.”
• “You shout at me, argue with me, defend yourself, and do tantrums.”
• “Your head has gone.”
• “Don’t push me to level two.”
• “I can equally be horrible.”
• “Taste of your own medicine.”
• “Shut up. Just go cook.”
He also repeatedly told me to ask my own mother and his mother “what a wife should be” and said I should “measure” myself against that.
The biggest change happened after I mentioned divorce.
Since then:
• He suddenly became much nicer.
• He started waking up with the baby sometimes.
• He became softer and more affectionate.
• He started saying things like “don’t ever mention divorce again,” “we can never split up,” and “even if things get hard, we stay together for our son.”
• He started saying he would help with childcare if I work.
• At the same time, he still says he refuses nursery, which realistically makes things harder for me if I want to rebuild my career.
Something that also confuses me is that image and status seem extremely important to him. He often talks about being better than other people because he owns property, businesses, money, etc. He also seems very concerned about not having a second divorce.
I’ve also noticed that he speaks aggressively not only to me, but sometimes to his mother and sister as well.
I know every story has two sides and I know I’m not perfect either. I just genuinely want honest outside opinions from women and mothers because I can’t tell anymore what’s normal relationship struggles after a baby and what crosses into emotionally unhealthy behaviour. And also scared to split up and not being able to care for my son financially due to childcare. So many worries and thoughts comes to my mind!! I am feeling so overwhelmed and finding it hard to go back to normal this time around!!