How do you heal your money trauma?
Grew up middle class, had a good life. Parents never taught me or my siblings financial literacy. I’m 27 now and still learning…
when I was 10, my mom packed up my brothers and I, and left our father. She had no job of her own. My dad was the breadwinner, and he was financially abusive. Still, she took us and ran.
From age 10-18, we lived in scarcity. The projects, because that’s what she could afford while being on welfare. She went to the food bank often, which was always stale or had mold. We were told to pick it off. I don’t want to sound snobby or “too good”… but to go from a mostly comfortable life with good food and good quality things to being in this state, it really messed with my head as a kid. Especially because my father made anywhere from 200k-400k a year, so I didn’t understand why he didn’t help and send more for us so we didn’t have to go without. It’s not that he couldn’t. It’s that he wouldn’t, unless the courts threatened to garnish his accounts.
My mom was proud to be on welfare and would constantly brag about how she finessed the system. Food stamps, cash assistance, you name it. It was low class behavior, which did not resonate with me whatsoever. If she at least tried to get a job to improve our situation, I would have been so understanding and patient. But she didn’t try. She didn’t want a job. She wanted that child support and welfare, and spend the rest of her time scrolling on her phone in bed. Barely ever spent time with us either. This made me very depressed during my teen years. Dad was physically and emotionally absent, and mom was… that. I know she was depressed, but she didn’t even try to help herself. Didn’t go to therapy, didn’t do any inner work. Just living life in survival mode, because that’s all she’s ever known. She grew up in the system too, so that played a part.
I’m not trying to sound pretentious or materialistic, because I’m not. But I do know that I enjoy having nice things. For me, that is good, clean organic food, buying and supporting local businesses, investing in myself and my education and my body, etc. health is WEALTH, and I take that very seriously.
Nowadays… whenever I have money, I am so quick to spend it. Without a second thought. I’m always stressed about money, especially in this economy and job market. I’m a stay at home wife and my resume is atrocious. I doubt I could get a job even if I wanted to. I’m also neurodivergent, so that doesn’t help. I’m lucky and privileged to be married to a hard working man in a lucrative industry, and his parents offer financial support from time to time if we fall short.
I’m just so depressed because of the current state of the economy and affordability crisis, and my dreams for ever owning a home are becoming nonexistent and hopeless. So… because of that, whenever we do have money, I spend it on things that’ll bring me happiness in the present moment. I don’t overspend, but I’m not good at saving either. We have just enough to pay bills, and maybe go out to eat every once in a while. It still feels like survival mode.
I went a big chunk of my life living in scarcity, so whenever I get my hands on money, I just want to spend it because I’m always chasing dopamine and I just want to feel happy in that moment. For me, a “guilty pleasure” purchase would be something like a new journal or book, art supplies… stuff like that. Not at once tho. No big purchases, just small things… but that adds up over time.
I’m a mom myself, and I definitely don’t let my child go without. I don’t want him to ever have to experience the “we don’t have enough” mindset. Because of my own trauma and experiences, I make sure he gets all he needs, eats the best quality food, keeping him in sports and activities, keeping his wardrobe updated, and anything that could possibly give him a happy and fulfilling childhood. Even if I go broke doing it.
How do I clear these blockages? I need to improve my relationship with money, without sacrificing lifestyle.