u/Hiply

I picked up my little Topaz's ashes on Monday, cried like a baby. Tuesday I took her for our last walk together on one of our two favorite trails, carrying her ashes with me, and yesterday I did the same on our other favorite trail. More tears, for sure, but one or two quiet smiles along the way when I could see her stopping to sniff at something, look around at a sound, or look back over her shoulder at me with that "Let's keep going" look on her face. I found myself talking to her like I was holding the end of her lead...and not this little box I wound up clutching to my chest as we got back to the car for a ride home. This tiny little box I can't stop looking at without tearing up.

I know that may seem weird but I promised her those two last walks and we didn't get to do them before she just couldn't anymore and she left for the other side. I had to keep that promise, and somehow keeping it feels like it helped - just a little. I'm very much not ok, but after those walks I think I will be in time.

Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased. Thus do we refute entropy. - Spider Robinson

My beloved Topaz - a mini schnauzer who became the love of my life - crossed the Rainbow Bridge this morning, after 14 well lived, and well loved years. From the time my MIL brought that bundle of joy home (we lived barely 2kms apart), to the time since my MIL passed away when we welcomed Topaz into our home, she's owned a place in our hearts and had me wrapped around her little paws.

She arrived with a heart murmur and trachea issues...but nothing slowed her down. Waking up to her head butting my side so I would get up and get out of her way, or waking up to her having welded herself to my side in blissful sleep has been one of the quiet joys of my existence for the past few years.

Long leisurely walks in the shady woods while she sidetracked me to sniff everything, neighborhood morning and evening "take me out to do my business" walks where everyone knew her and she would religiously check 'peemail' and respond while getting her share of "Hi Topaz!" attention from neighbors both 2 and 4 legged.

Evenings on her 2/3 of the couch snuggled into her blanket and angling for treats and watching me like a hawk as I ate...because her getting dessert after I ate was a ritual we never missed...right up to the end.

Two weeks ago she crashed hard for a few days and we thought we'd lost her (which was when I joined this group), but she, her amazing vet, and I decided 'not just yet' and took one last shot at getting her back. Nothing invasive...she was 14...but a diuretic and then when she got potassium-flushed an appetite enhancer to get her to eat again seemed to have done the trick and she rallied.

It turned out the rally was an "I want just a little more time with my human", and 2 days later, last Friday, she crashed again. Finally she decided she wasn't having fun anymore and gave the unmistakable signs of "Please, I love you, let me go."

She put up one hell of a fight, but now it's time for her to rest. I love you, little one.

I'm fucking broken.