u/HitAndTrial3

I have despised regressive festivals and associated customs all my life, where the onus of one gender's long life, well being, prosperity and what not lies on the other gender like Vat Purnima, Karwa Chauth etc.
Men still have option to perform the customs along with women in the name of equality but for women it is still a mandate and even if men participate with them, the heavy lifting is still done by women.
Prior to my marriage I have had multiple conversations with my partner on the same wherein I had told him that this is what I believe in, and I do not have a problem in taking part in the customs as a whole, but I would draw the line wherever I feel like. For instance, fasting for the whole day or even for sometime for somebody else is a huge no for me. Similarly, I understand and am willing to dress up in traditional attires on these festivals but if you want me to stick to a dress code it ain't happening. To be specific I was going to marry a Maharashtrian and all of their festivals have a dress code of saree for women. My point was let's be open to other traditional options like lehengas, salwar suits etc.
After a lot of such discussions my partner said yeah it is not mandatory to fast and other attires can be considered too. I was a little proud of myself that I am breaking the regressive cycle to whatever extent and my partner is aligned with me.
Cut to, we got married and enter my in laws who have no idea of our such discussions and like many of Indian families expect, assume and mandate that I will take part in these so called festivals like how everybody else is doing following their protocols to the T.
One of the similar festivals was approaching and my MIL asked me if I was going to do it? I asked her what all is expected of me and she answered this is going to be a pooja and fasting that I have to do for my husband and it includes me fasting, wearing a saree and performing xyz steps. I asked- is wearing a saree mandatory? She said yes. I asked if I do all of it this first time, will I have to do it all my life? She said yes.
I voiced my opinion that if fasting and wearing a saree is mandatory, it is a NO from my side as previously discussed. My partner at that time told them the same and the discussion ended their but I know the MIL was bitter.
All hell broke loose when the other in laws got to know the same and started to make a big deal out of it (not to me directly but in their gossip sessions)and it reached my partner and through him to me. Now comes the worst part of it- my partner started echoing his families words and when I told that this is something we had already discussed, he told you could have at least done it this time as it is the first year of our marriage, you could have said no for the fasting part but could have done the rest of it. I said that if you guys are so rigid about everything why should I negotiate anything? All of it created a fight among us.
The conclusion was- we are not going to ask you to take part in any customs, if you feel like taking part yourself let us know. My point still remained the same- I would want us to meet midway regarding all the customs.
Here comes the next big festival of theirs - Vat Purnima. As always it is their tradition where I am supposed to fast, play fancy dress, pray in different forms all for my husband while he gets to chill in his shorts at home eating whatever whenever he wants.
I was thankfully away from my in laws in husband during this time and my husband casually mentioned that this festival is approaching on Monday and he can let me know of the prep and steps so that I can prepare for it casually throwing in if at all I want to.
I didn't say a word at that time because my stand remained the same and I did not want to get into the same fight. He followed up again on the coming days and I said I will give it a thought and well let him know.
Then after really thinking I came to the conclusion that this is yet again the first of its type, I should be doing it but on my terms.
I told him so and he sent me a list of things, and the steps to be performed. When I asked that are all the god and outdoor steps covered he said yes and I said ok all take care of the rest. Then came the googly- he asked me to fast until the pooja is done. I said it is not going to happen. He said if you are doing it, do it properly, it is a matter of few hours only. I said I don't care if it is 1 hour or 1 day, you should not ask me to fast atleast. And then we spiraled into a huge fight. I did the pooja in my way, but I did not have any feelings while doing the same and I merely performed the formality. I have started resenting my husband even more (all this while many events helped in building up the resentment) and I guess he is on the same boat but for opposite reasons.
I have no hopes left for our future and can see my marriage breaking because a lot has happened till now and honestly I don't even want to work things out.

TLDR: Like many Indians my in laws think that I am supposed to perform their culture's traditions all for the benefit of their raja beta, and their raja is not expected to do anything in return despite it being their tradition to begin with, and my husband is an enabler of this thinking too, causing disputes between us and making me hate these regressive practices a lot more than before. FUCK PATRIARCHY. FUCK REGRESSIVE CUSTOMS. FUCK ENABLERS.

I have despised regressive festivals and associated customs all my life, where the onus of one gender's long life, well being, prosperity and what not lies on the other gender like Vat Purnima, Karwa Chauth etc.
Men still have option to perform the customs along with women in the name of equality but for women it is still a mandate and even if men participate with them, the heavy lifting is still done by women.
Prior to my marriage I have had multiple conversations with my partner on the same wherein I had told him that this is what I believe in, and I do not have a problem in taking part in the customs as a whole, but I would draw the line wherever I feel like. For instance, fasting for the whole day or even for sometime for somebody else is a huge no for me. Similarly, I understand and am willing to dress up in traditional attires on these festivals but if you want me to stick to a dress code it ain't happening. To be specific I was going to marry a Maharashtrian and all of their festivals have a dress code of saree for women. My point was let's be open to other traditional options like lehengas, salwar suits etc.
After a lot of such discussions my partner said yeah it is not mandatory to fast and other attires can be considered too. I was a little proud of myself that I am breaking the regressive cycle to whatever extent and my partner is aligned with me.
Cut to, we got married and enter my in laws who have no idea of our such discussions and like many of Indian families expect, assume and mandate that I will take part in these so called festivals like how everybody else is doing following their protocols to the T.
One of the similar festivals was approaching and my MIL asked me if I was going to do it? I asked her what all is expected of me and she answered this is going to be a pooja and fasting that I have to do for my husband and it includes me fasting, wearing a saree and performing xyz steps. I asked- is wearing a saree mandatory? She said yes. I asked if I do all of it this first time, will I have to do it all my life? She said yes.
I voiced my opinion that if fasting and wearing a saree is mandatory, it is a NO from my side as previously discussed. My partner at that time told them the same and the discussion ended their but I know the MIL was bitter.
All hell broke loose when the other in laws got to know the same and started to make a big deal out of it (not to me directly but in their gossip sessions)and it reached my partner and through him to me. Now comes the worst part of it- my partner started echoing his families words and when I told that this is something we had already discussed, he told you could have at least done it this time as it is the first year of our marriage, you could have said no for the fasting part but could have done the rest of it. I said that if you guys are so rigid about everything why should I negotiate anything? All of it created a fight among us.
The conclusion was- we are not going to ask you to take part in any customs, if you feel like taking part yourself let us know. My point still remained the same- I would want us to meet midway regarding all the customs.
Here comes the next big festival of theirs - Vat Purnima. As always it is their tradition where I am supposed to fast, play fancy dress, pray in different forms all for my husband while he gets to chill in his shorts at home eating whatever whenever he wants.
I was thankfully away from my in laws in husband during this time and my husband casually mentioned that this festival is approaching on Monday and he can let me know of the prep and steps so that I can prepare for it casually throwing in if at all I want to.
I didn't say a word at that time because my stand remained the same and I did not want to get into the same fight. He followed up again on the coming days and I said I will give it a thought and well let him know.
Then after really thinking I came to the conclusion that this is yet again the first of its type, I should be doing it but on my terms.
I told him so and he sent me a list of things, and the steps to be performed. When I asked that are all the god and outdoor steps covered he said yes and I said ok all take care of the rest. Then came the googly- he asked me to fast until the pooja is done. I said it is not going to happen. He said if you are doing it, do it properly, it is a matter of few hours only. I said I don't care if it is 1 hour or 1 day, you should not ask me to fast atleast. And then we spiraled into a huge fight. I did the pooja in my way, but I did not have any feelings while doing the same and I merely performed the formality. I have started resenting my husband even more (all this while many events helped in building up the resentment) and I guess he is on the same boat but for opposite reasons.
I have no hopes left for our future and can see my marriage breaking because a lot has happened till now and honestly I don't even want to work things out.

TLDR: Like many Indians my in laws think that I am supposed to perform their culture's traditions all for the benefit of their raja beta, and their raja is not expected to do anything in return despite it being their tradition to begin with, and my husband is an enabler of this thinking too, causing disputes between us and making me hate these regressive practices a lot more than before. FUCK PATRIARCHY. FUCK REGRESSIVE CUSTOMS. FUCK ENABLERS.