u/HolyH3llBatman

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This girl i go to college with, been friends with for 6 years.

They're a chill friend i can't lie, i have fun talking to her.

But twice already she's tried to get into a relationship with me. First time said yes it wasn't really working as a relationship so that ended, we went back to friends. Second time i wasn't in the right place to be dating so i said no and that was over a year and a half ago now and after that we distanced ourselves from each other. Since starting college we've become good friends again i suppose.

Just now she sent me a message saying 'i like you 👉👈'

What makes her think this time is different?

I don't want to lose a friend and I'm gonna say what i need to say to let her down gently again and try to keep the friendship.

Why must it be so difficult?

edit: oml, the thing is i don't feel the same. I was meant to have written that, sorry.

My family is a mess all over.

I could go on forever about them.

My parents are really REALLY weird. They realistically have nothing in common, they talk shit about each other to me and my brother behind each others backs, they fight a lot.

And they don't seem to believe in 'love'. Just earlier this year for mothers day, my dad was making me and my brother pick out mothers day cards. Now i resent my parents a lot, they've never shown me any semblance of affection so I don't feel that way towards them because I've never had a reason to, and the card said 'I love you mummy.' (Now, i hadn't even read the card out yet, i just picked it up)

My dad saw it before I had and said 'you freak, 'i love you mummy'(imagine it said in a snidy, sarcastic mocking tone)'

Of course I immediately put it down and picked up an average more appropriate to my age card which simple said 'happy mothers day' and it genuinely got me thinking. Why are they together?

Not only that, but my childhood has been incredibly rough. Aside from what my oldest brother did to me, my dad is quite verbally and emotionally abusive. He has anger issues, imo, can't control himself. Every mistake was met with shouting, really fcking loud shouting. I was never allowed to go out by myself and spend all my time in my room alone so socialising is just a very weak point for me, my social skills: practically non-existent.

Hugs? No, or at least not genuinely, the only time i remember a 'hug' from my mum was when she poured albas oil down my nose when i was little (very prone to illnesses, a cold for example which was why i wanted a little albas oil) and pouring it down my nose caused immense pain and an allergic reaction so i was crying in pain and she was just trying to get me to shut up and not tell anyone about it.

And the more i think about it, the more i wonder why the fuck they had kids at all.

They obviously don't love us, i feel more like a slave-prisoner if anything, i do chores (more chores than my brother by the way), sometimes i have to take my dads socks off or put them on for him (he has a bad back for some reason and can't do it himself so usually my mum does it), i have my own room and I'm given stuff but they don't care about my preferences or opinions. I just exist in this house and college. I've suffered mentally and physically with many issues for many years and my parents just... can't be bothered to take me to a doctor. I don't even remember the last time I've ever been to a doctor. I've had chronic pain since i was 12 accompanied by headaches and often nausea/stomach aches and i used to complain about it, tell them about it, they didn't show much of a damn. Hardly cared. So i hardly talk about my issues to them anymore. I try to avoid talking to them as much as i can.

But suffice to say, I've never felt wanted.

And I've never observed behaviour between them which would indicate why exactly they're together.

I'm just really upset over everything. my mum said she's going to come into my room tomorrow whilst i'm at college, meaning she's going to be looking through my stuff and binning stuff.

I've been so fucking alone and I just don't really feel like a person. I wish I was dead.