Don't know how to deal with it
Sorry for my english!
Hi! Recently I found out I have PTSD. My psychiatrist prescribed me miravil and progabaline, I take them every day. I wanted to share my story.
When I was 14, almost 15 I was in a relationship (if you can even call it a relationship). I knew him many years because we went to class together. I wasn't sure if I want a boyfriend but I decided to give it a shot. It was nice at the beggining. I told him that I'm not ready to kiss yet, that I want to wait with it. He totally accepted this. I was so in love with him, I also was very happy. We decided to spend New Year's together in my friends house. He didn't drink but me and my other two friends did. We were young and It was the first time we drank alcohol. It was like 3 shots and I was totally drunk. My friends went outside to set the fireworks so my he told them to go and he'll stay with me. We were standing on a balcony and all I remember is that he just started to kiss me. I didn't know what to do. I was so drunk I kissed him back. Then all I remeber is us kissing in my friends bedroom. I asked him to touch my breasts and he did that. Then i fell asleep and it's pretty much. After this incident I was no longer scared to kiss him, we even did some sexual things (but never sex). Once his parents were out of town so he invited me for a sleepover. Everything went good so far, but when he was scrolling messages with his best friend I saw something weird. I asked him what was that but he suddenly became angry and changed the subject.
We went to sleep. I asked him plenty of times what was on his phone but he just ignored me, gaslighed me that I must've seen wrong. He barely touched me when we went to sleep. I wanted to hug him but he said that he doesn't want to sleep that way. For some reason it made me cry. I know he could hear it but he didn't give a shit. It were hours like that and I decided to look at the messages he didn't want to show me.
He told about our sexual stuff his every friend (when we disscused that we won't), made fun of me with them, talk about my body - that I have a flat ass but amazing tits and saying them if I cum or not.
I felt like someone just stabbed me in the back.
He woke up and yelled at me for looking up on his phone. I just went back to sleep, still crying, he still didn't care.
When we woke up there already was tense. He went to his training and I went home. I was the one who said sorry.
He broke up with me over message saying that "he's not ready for a relationship". I couldn't eat all day. I knew that I'll have to see him in class. And I did.
One day after breakup we met in the classroom. Not even a hi.
I said that I want to talk with him and I can walk him home. He agreed.
I said that I want us on good terms, especially because we had still 5 months of seeing eachothers faces 5 times per week.
I said that I'm ready to accept that and be friends with him. We agreed on everything and he went home.
The next day I come to school he says the whole class that I'm a whore and he sticked 2 fingers in me.
He started to make fun of how I look and how I dress.
Like a completly different person, like he started to hate me the second we broke up. But we agreed to be on good terms, and I did nothing wrong. So why?
I met someone 1 month later. We're together for more than 3 years now. But the beggining wasn't so pretty. On our first date I cried because of how my ex treats me.
I thought that maybe it's just too soon to start a new relationship but it wasn't just that.
My ex started to appear in my dreams (still does). First he was laughing at me and I was crying, then he was telling me that I'm worthless but for some time now I have these dreams where I cheat on my bf with him or that I want to be again with him. I'm so confused. I have nothing but anger and hate for this man. Why the hell would I dream about him like he was worth at least any of my tear?
I also had an episode when while having sex with my bf I was sure I saw my ex. It was creppy as fuck.
I can't even describe how much guilt I feel when I have dreams like this or when I see his ugly face while having a moment with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the most loving person I know. I don't want to do this to him. It's been 3 years like this now. Every time I feel like it gets better it falls apart. The meds are helping for the anxiety part. I was in therapy for a long time but it didn't help. I just regret I agreed to be his girlfriend every single day. Because he's now living his life while I have to deal with shit he made to me.